Self-Sabotage: Why I Draw So Slowly (Pt 1)
This post is strictly introspective. I want to be able to come back to it, reread it, and remember that by making this thought public, Iām trying to pin it down - so I donāt spiral back into endlessly picking at the work.
The moment has come when I can no longer afford to spend so much time drawing slowly and meticulously. I KNOW, almost no one even sees what I draw, because I only post a tiny fraction of it. But this post is more of an internal note - a way to mark this moment for myself, including publicly
My āslow styleā evolved not only because it fits the aesthetic standards I hold myself to, but likely also as a way to keep the work from entering the world. The longer you draw, the longer you can avoid facing your own reaction to it. Perfectionism often disguises itself as āI just want to make it as good as possible,ā when in reality, itās a form of avoidance. And Iām a master of avoidance, as you know. I feel safe behind a heavy render. It takes up all the space and leaves no room for the question: whatās actually underneath? Is this a reluctance to face the places where I still havenāt fully formed as an artist? Where did this come from? The old school (I mean the 2010s) taught us to act like weāre in an office. Iām a merchant, hereās my product in the window. You show up with something āfinished,ā polished, and every piece is obligated to justify the very fact of its existence. But damn, the modern way is to basically live on the internets - itās a habitat now. And it feels like a return to an even older style, just without that 90s and early 2000s cyber-optimism. Too bad it's gone (But thatās a separate topic and I have plenty to say about it).
I cling to the āslow style,ā the massive rendering, realism, and meticulousness because itās part of the identity the old school drilled into me. It feels as if simplifying is a form of degradation. And thatās probably the main toxic bullshit in my head. Switching to a fast and light style feels like a blow to the ego. Now I know itās total bullshit. I personally look for and save mostly light-styled art, technical polish isnāt the first thing I care about, not even the second.















