THE ILIAD, OR: A “PERFECTLY REASONABLE” MILITARY OPERATION
( welcome to my Monty Python style sketch )
SCENE I: THE PLAGUE COMMITTEE
CALCHAS: The god Apollo is angry.
CALCHAS: You kidnapped his priest’s daughter.
CALCHAS: So if you’d return her—
AGAMEMNON: Absolutely not.
Everyone immediately begins coughing.
CALCHAS: You see, that’s the plague.
AGAMEMNON: Could be anything.
ODYSSEUS: Men are dying by the hundreds.
ACHILLES: Return the girl.
AGAMEMNON: Fine. But if I lose a girl, someone else loses a girl.
ACHILLES: That’s not how compensation works.
AGAMEMNON: It’s exactly how compensation works.
NESTOR: Now, in my youth—
SCENE II: THE GREATEST WARRIOR RESIGNS
AGAMEMNON: You can’t quit. We’re in a war.
He dramatically exits w/ theme music.
ACHILLES: I shall also complain about it continuously.
Exits again w/ louder theme music.
The gods sit around a table labeled “COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL OBSERVERS.”
ATHENA: I also hate Troy.
ZEUS: Right. As supreme ruler of the cosmos, I shall make an unbiased decision.
SCENE IV: THE ARMY ASSEMBLY
Agamemnon stands before the army.
AGAMEMNON: Men! I have a test.
AGAMEMNON: Let’s all go home.
The entire army immediately begins running toward the ships.
AGAMEMNON: No, wait, that was the test!
SOLDIERS: That’s a terrible test!
ODYSSEUS: Right, everyone back.
ODYSSEUS: Because the king says so.
SOLDIERS: That’s not a reason.
ODYSSEUS: It’s the only one we’ve got.
A scruffy soldier steps forward.
ODYSSEUS: That’s already suspicious.
THERSITES: Has anyone noticed this war has lasted ten years?
THERSITES: Also, our commander keeps stealing everybody’s stuff.
AGAMEMNON: Double treason.
THERSITES: And Achilles quit because of that exact problem.
AGAMEMNON: Triple treason.
THERSITES: Frankly, I think the common soldier is being exploited by an aristocratic military elite.
THERSITES: We do all the rowing.
THERSITES: All the dying.
THERSITES: Most of the plague.
The Greeks look around nervously.
ODYSSEUS: Well, that’s enough democracy for one day.
THERSITES: I have a point!
ODYSSEUS: That’s exactly the problem.
Odysseus whacks him with the royal scepter.
ODYSSEUS: Parliamentary procedure.
ODYSSEUS: Unauthorized speaking.
THERSITES: Everything I said was true!
ODYSSEUS: You’ll upset the chain of command.
THERSITES: There shouldn’t be a chain of command if the command is stupid!
AGAMEMNON: Quadruple treason.
SCENE VI: THE CROWD REACTS
Then the army erupts in laughter.
SOLDIER #1: Look at his back!
SOLDIER #2: Excellent beating.
SOLDIER #3: Splendid argument, thoroughly refuted.
THERSITES: He didn’t refute anything!
SOLDIER #3: That’s what made it so efficient.
SCENE VII: PARIS AND MENELAUS
Paris enters wearing approximately fourteen pounds of leopard print.
PARIS: I challenge Menelaus.
Menelaus appears and cracks his knuckles.
PARIS: On second thought—
NARRATOR: Thus concluded another productive day of Bronze Age governance.
AGAMEMNON: Lost Achilles.
THERSITES: Beaten for making sense.
PARIS: Immediately regretting everything.
ODYSSEUS: Maintaining order.
NARRATOR: Which, in fairness, was considerably easier than maintaining competence.
Freeze frame and a title card appears:
A story about grown men handling conflict with maturity and restraint.
Cut to Achilles screaming in his tent.
