This place is strange

@genesissaturna is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up because he turned out to be emotionally abusive against me, using me to cheat on his current partner, and I guess drew a picture of our breakup as a mockery of me. I've already posted about it, but here it is again:

Of course anyone would get upset at their drawing a picture of them that's basically used for mockery and posting it online for others to see. But the anger felt deeper than that, and I've been wondering why. Now I know.

Back in 8th grade when I lived in Arizona, toward the end of the year, my mother decided to style my hair a certain way where it was split up into ponytails. During my last class when it was almost time to go, I wasn't paying attention and was looking down at my phone when one of my classmates took a picture of me without my permission. That picture was then edited where a Neo-nazi symbol was drawn over my hair, and it was shared all over the school as a sign of mockery. (Yes, I am African-American) This was at Coronado K-8 school in Tucson. My parents got me out of the school since the student only got suspended for a few short days; they didn't feel like I was safe being there.

That picture made me feel deeply paranoid and ashamed of myself. One of the people I knew said that some of our classmates were laughing at the picture and calling me overweight. It felt like everyone, even the friends I made there, were against me. 

This is why I'm deeply upset at this picture. I know it was posted a few months ago, but as I've just seen it recently, it triggered a deeply upsetting memory from my past and I feel like I needed to be vocal about it. While it isn't a mockery of my race, it's a mockery of something equally important - myself. 

My memories look so stiff and blurry, like I was in some sort of accident as they occurred. It feels that way as well - my insides are they're churning as I remember the bare minimum of his face.

I remember the last thing he did to me. It was humiliating. That's the only reason why it hurts so much. It's confusing and humiliating. And I don't seem to understand why it happened so often before, and I hadn't noticed.

He convinced me that the world wasn't worth living without him. I believed it so much that I almost removed myself from existence when his words dug through me; when I thought everything was my fault.

Afterward, I just felt constrained. Powerless. Degraded. It's easy to tell when you have no control over a situation, but it's much more of a chore to actually comes to term with.

I didn't want to be known like I did, but I had no control to change their minds. To see how I felt, to know what I almost lost.

“Yes, but it’s still about me. He told them what wasn’t true. He told them how I was to blame for a mess he created. And I’ll never know if he’ll undo those lies.”

“I know it’s frustrating to have no control over a situation such as the one you’re telling me, but you need to accept that reality in order to move on. We can’t have any control over other people’s thoughts and feelings about us, but we do have control over how we react. We need to keep that control in order to avoid getting ourselves into worse situations.”

“I know that. I don’t want to get involved with him ever again. I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s just so unfair.”

“That’s what everyone faces as we proceed through life. And getting over the trauma you have experienced will take time. You need to give yourself the patience you have always deserved.”

“But what if I never get over it? What if those lies spread and more people know things that aren’t true about me? What if he never fixes himself?”

“Why should that be your concern?”

“What?”

“Why should you be worried over whether or not he improves his character?”

“Because if not, more and more people will be affected by his actions.”

“And why should you care about those other people?”

“I don’t like knowing that people have gotten hurt because of him or are at great risk to undergo his usual treatment.”

“But you are not his parent. You are not anyone’s parent. You are responsible for you, and you alone.”

“I just want to help make the world a better place.”

“Which is a fine goal, but it seems that the stress of constantly caring about others has caused you nothing but misfortune.”

“ , your sensitivity towards other people is admirable, but your lack of restraint has caused you to constantly bend over backwards. In this case, if you let it continue to hold your mindset, it may cause your downfall. Take more time to think for yourself - what is good for yourself.”

“But what about them?”

“What about them? It’s cruel what they did to you, it’s true. But you can’t do anything about it anymore. You can’t force a change to their minds and you can’t force a change to his heart, no matter how good your intentions are. Don’t forget about the situation, but use it to learn and better yourself.”

“You need to move on.”