I was sifting through old emails because I kept getting those warnings that I was running out of storage space; I've had this email address for almost 20 years so it's quite a time capsule. Often I cringe, but today I cried.
In old correspondence with my partner, I shared this quote and the realization that my unrelenting people-pleasing for a sense of safety and security is ultimately a weapon I wield against myself. I was wondering if I could ever just BE with someone naturally, with acceptance and communication, or whether it would always be too terrifying and foreign.
It's 3 1/2 years since that message and I can say that I can. I never thought I would get here and couldn't have planned or foreseen all that I needed to go through to get here, but it's well been worth it. Having someone who "impossibly" loves me as I am and was willing to fight me for myself has helped dissolve the patterns of trauma-informed clinging and avoidance. I have an unprecedented sense of safety, connection, and hope now.
I hope you can love yourself in a way that you can feel free. I hope you get to feel that love, and give that love.
ID: A video panning up across a path in a desert with snow-capped mountains and blue sky in the background. The fixed text reads: "You must love in such a way that makes the other person feels free. Thich Nhat Hanh" The logo at the bottom reads: Ugly Therapy.