Ugly Bugg

I want to support her when things are good and when things are hard. I want to make her feel like she makes me feel. She makes me want to be open. She makes me want to be weak and honest. I feel safe around her. I feel like I can truly be myself.  When I first found out she was leaving it broke me. She is the first person to make me feel truly loved and accepted as me. She took me for the sarcastic, grumpy, sad man I am and accepted me and made me feel like I didn’t have to be those things around her. So when I found out she was leaving work it hurt me, she is the person I have ever felt truly happy around and she was going. I crumbled. I was back to crying alone in the dark. Back to drinking to get myself through the hurt. Over the next few weeks I started to get over it. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” I told myself “She is still only 30 minutes away. in a few weeks maybe I’ll be able to see her again.”. I was wrong. It was 11.30 pm when I got her message. The message saying she was going to be going back to America. I suppose I saw it coming. I knew she wouldn’t want to stay in Wales forever, especially as she has most of her family living in the states, but I didn’t see it happening this quickly. Truth be told I was angry. Not because she was leaving, I could understand the reasons, but because I had to find out through a message. I had to read the words, I didn’t get to hear her say it to me. I didn’t get hear her voice explain it to me and that hurt. I wanted nothing more than to be with her but instead I had to settle for the screen of my smart phone.  Once she had told me I realised that I would probably only get to see her a handful more times. In fact I have only been able to see her once. One time since 16th of December. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but this, I never expected this. I can’t remember much about before Christmas but I do remember two things clearly. I remember the last show of an acapella tour I helped run the sound desk for. At each show of this tour they had a solo performer come on stage and do a Christmasy song and at the last show it was her. She performed “Believe”, originally by Josh Groban, and it was truly beautiful. Before she got on stage she was so nervous about doing it but it was the best performance of the tour. Ever word she sang was like someone lit a firework inside my very soul and there was an amazing spectacle happening within.  The other memory I have is of not long before the 16th. We had been talking about going out and seeing a movie, she liked the cinema and I liked her so it sounded like it would be a lovely idea! Before we could head into town however we both had to go to meetings, mine was by our work and her’s was in the next town over, by my house. My meeting ended around 6 o’clock and allowed me enough time to make the 45 minute journey home. Upon arriving at my house I realised I had been very stupid and had left my keys in the office at work and my host family were not in. Having not heard from her yet, and it getting later, I decided to walk to my cousins house instead of standing on my doorstep for an hour waiting for someone to get in! Just as I walked through the door to my cousins house my phone rang. It was her. She asked me if I still wanted to meet up as it was late and we would probably miss the movie, I told her it would be nice to do something together and so we decided to meet at the end of cousins road.  I remember seeing her across the road and the excitement that rose up inside me. I was so excited I even throw my rule of never talking in public out the window and shouted out her name!  She suggested we could go to the bar at the end of road and have a drink and I agreed that this was good plan. I had trouble getting up the stairs of the bar with the two drinks and my skateboard but somehow I managed it!  We sat and talked and laughed for hours. It was incredible.  What I remember most clearly about that night is her laugh. A week or so before we had been part of a nativity and before we had gone on stage i said some which she found funny. Sat in the bar we relived that moment and I remember her smile and the joy that the memory brought her. That I had brought her. I can not describe to you her laugh as there is no way I could ever do it justice. All you need to know is that it fills me with joy. Pure joy.   When I’m sad or I can’t turn my brain off while trying to sleep I remember something else from that night. I remember her smile. We had left the bar now and I was walking her to the bus stop. As we walked she started to get me to say certain words and then would laugh at how they were pronounced in a British accent and would copy them in her best British accent! I remember the smile on her face as we walked. I wanted nothing more that to see that smile for the rest of my life. I still want nothing more than that.  I will not say much about the last time I saw only that I was a coward. I should have told her that I wanted her to stay. I should have told her exactly what she means to me. I should have told her all of these things I have written her. I should have but I didn’t.  I wish I could tell her now. I wish I was brave enough but I doubt I could get the words out. People say I am courage. God says I am courage. But I ask “How can I be courage when I can’t even say these things to the first person who has ever, truly, made me feel real? “. I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe one day I will learn.

I released a new E.P. last night! Would be awesome if you could check it out. It’s free to download