can’t outrun yourself

Holding on

To how I used to feel

Will bring me nothing more

Than my own dissolution

Pulling myself apart

To blend better with you

I lost parts of me

Only to still leave you

Dissatisfied

On our last day

You told me some of your darkest thoughts

And I was reminded

That becoming one

For so long

Makes it hurt

So much more

And with that I cannot provide your absolution

Not when I still have

Far too many feelings

That I will never express to you

I know you didn’t mean to let things end up this way between us

But I also know better

Than to think you couldn’t have done better

Better than telling me you want to fuck other people

That you’d thought about it while we made love

Better than still wanting to fuck after we broke up

And having the audacity to claim it was more than sex

Better than pulling me back to you when you knew you didn’t love me anymore

When you didn’t love me like you used to

Better than telling me you didn’t want to deal with my emotions

That my own heart was too much for yours

After our fingers had intertwined

And our lives undeniably connected

After everything we’d become

And yet

the truth is

I know I could’ve done better, too

The blame should not rest only on your shoulders

But in my hands

Now just tell me

How easy was it

To get over me?

I hope it gets harder

And the worst is yet to come

I’ve tried so hard to hate you

But blissful memories of you cloud my anger

Blotches of red

You’re still stuck in my head

But in time

we’ll start anew

Stoned on the floor

Feelings out the door

still thoughts of you float my mind

Socks are soaked

I’m sinking behind

Thoughts of her

at random times

Hurting more now than they did in the moment

Letting go is a lot like breaking myself

Clouded vision as I drive

Bullshit like this doesn’t come as a surprise

Willing to look forward to forever

Only to get blindsided by what was always there

Loosening my grip on the wheel

Gears in my mind turn

The thoughts of you

Rumble to the surface

Knowing emptiness is the truest thing I’ve felt as of late

feels a lot like rock bottom

But still I find myself

Sinking further and further

What once was

Is no longer

We play pretend

The facade gets stronger

Screwing myself over

I hit rewind

So much for starting over

For someone who is so supposedly so self aware

I let myself lose control

Far too often

Do exactly what I said I wouldn’t

And watch as the house I built

Burns

Must be a masochist

As I pick at my wounds

Learning to love the sting

And refusing to heal

Seizing the opportunity

To let myself feel

something

Instead of

Nothing

If I am to truly be alone

I couldn’t have picked a better companion