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Tomorrow is my birthday, and I just wanted to… thank myself for being unapologetically myself.

Maybe this is something I can look back on when I’m feeling down, lost or hopeless.. or maybe I just never come back to this?! I tend to never reread my tumblr posts because sometimes they make me spiral. But regardless, let’s get to it.

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything with ill intent. Maybe as a kid, but that’s like a long time ago, I don’t count that. I think I had a hard time trying to find myself, trying to understand who I am and just trying to create the best version of myself that I could love and respect. Because yeah, there definitely was a time where I hated who I was. And I didn’t know it at the time, but I wasn’t happy with me nor could I accept who I was. There were days I felt so alone and my days were so dark. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to go to, and the thought of “I’m not enough” always stood out to me.

Flash forward to who I am now. I can honestly say that I’m so blessed. I’ve surrounded myself with people I love and care about. And yeah, people come and go, but I still find it in myself to accept that that’s just how life goes. One door closes, and another one opens. One chapter ends, and another one begins, but that’s not the end of my book.

I’ve felt people’s struggle as if they were my own, and personally, this is just my take, I almost try to allow them to share their burden with me, so they don’t have to do it alone. And that’s not me trying to pry into their life, nor is it me calling anyone weak. But I know what it’s like to feel alone, to do things alone, and it broke me. So if I’m a person who can help you, I’ve always offered myself. Not that they have to take it, but should they need to.. it’s there. And damn, you could be a complete stranger to me, but like.. I think it takes a lot of humility to ask for help sometimes. And if you were to choose me to be that person for you this time, that time, or multiple times, then I’m honored.

I think I’m quite a funny person. I make jokes, maybe sometimes very sus, but with consent. I’m an extremely giving person. Willing to give my time and energy to people who deserve it, but unfortunately I do it for people who don’t too. But I think I just have a good heart. I think I care a lot. Behind this mostly monotone and less expressive personality is just someone who deeply feels but just doesn’t know how to show it.

If there’s anything else that I’m super proud of myself for… it’s being able to reflect on my actions. Being able to understand that people make mistakes. Being able to step back from a situation, and try to focus on what went wrong and how do we make it better. Being able to take accountability and just overall being able to look at myself and see how I could be a better person.

Not that I’m complaining, because I’m not. You text me right when you wake up, call me on your way to work, keep me till you’re at your desk. We text every minute we’re not on the phone, and when it’s lunch? I’m taking my lunch when you are. We’ll kill time on the phone as you drive around looking for a spot to eat, and you’ll jokingly blame me for choosing a spot so expensive. When you’re back at work, we go right back to texting. And then I’ll drive home, and maybe I might take a nap while you finish up what you need to. But I’ll wake up to call from you not too many minutes past 4, so I can keep you company on your drive home.

It’s like an addiction you relapse on. We had something, we cut it off, and we came back even harder. I spend every day with you and it never gets dull. For as much as we talk, how do we never run out of things to talk about? Kind of nervous for the day that you get tired of talking to me.

You pull me into your interests that I don’t necessarily enjoy, but I’ll do because it’s with you and something you want to do. I’ll rant on about things I’m so passionate and excited about.

But.. I don’t do this with just anyone. I’ve only done this with people I’m dating, and I know that’s not us… at least not yet. Do I hope for more?

Then there’s friendships where you don’t talk for months at a time, but you come back together like no time has passed.

Regardless, I think it’s the effort someone takes to show up when it counts that matters.

Something about music that sings only written words that couldn’t do enough justice alone. The raw emotion through the melody that plays to my heart strings.

I think I’ve been planning a lot of shit lately because I’m trying to distract myself from something. My minds been wandering in places it shouldn’t. I’m trying to give myself something to look forward to. Maybe I just do something on my own versus waiting for everyone to agree to the plans I keep putting out.

2 years of contemplation, guilt, curiosity in the wrong places, harsh mistakes, and.. forgiveness? Even though I could feel so sure of who and where I am, I could feel just as lost.

I shouldn’t need anyone to tell me who I am, but I reached so hard for help during the dark hours. And damn, I hate asking for help like that. I really appreciate them, but I never want someone to feel sorry for me. If only I could get over things faster.

Ah, tbh, you keep saying I’m projecting, but you’re only seeing what you wanna see. Because you’re doing exactly the same thing I am, but worse. I don’t have a problem w someone protecting themselves from getting hurt. Please, keep your walls up. Take care of yourself, because that’s all I’m doing. You’re mad because of the person I thought you could be, but how am I supposed to know you? I haven’t known you that long?

I know in the end, it was a blessing in disguise, but I still feel resentment towards you. I still feel bitter about how wrong you ended up doing me, and how selfish you ended up being. Obviously, we both moved on, and I’m grateful for the people that took your place, but … damn did we have some good memories too. Lol, but I guess I could say that about other people who aren’t in my life anymore either due to their toxicity.

A part of me wants to get to know you, then another part is like.. ahh this is so complicated because it doesn’t sound like you don’t want me to get to know you? Idk if drunk you was sober thoughts you.. or drunk you is just drunk, and you’d be like that with anyone.

Either way… maybe I don’t dive into this. I’m literally okay rn w my life. And im not saying that I’m not interested in getting know you, but… I’d want a clear line that you want to know me like I wanna know you too.

You’re an absolutely terrible person. I knew it before, but now? Oh my fuck, the lies are all just rushing out of my head. I can’t even say my most favorite memories were real anymore. It’s so mind fucking.