Brotzly Married Life Headcanons
To combat general grimness about the world, I’ve been indulging in some extended headcanons about what Dirk and Todd would be like as a married couple. What makes this different from the usual “Dirk and Todd as a couple” loop that constantly plays in my head is that these headcanons are specifically about what they’d be like married, because I feel like there would be a slightly different dynamic there.
Dirk is super demonstrative, and embarrassing about it. Constantly refers to Todd as “my husband Todd,” even to people like Farah and Amanda who obviously know who Todd is yes thank you Dirk. Dramatically gestures with his left hand in people’s faces so that they can see the ring on his finger. Starts conversations with complete strangers purely so he can say things like, “Ah, but I must be going now, married life awaits!!”
He even does this to Todd, who sighs and says things like, “Yes, I know you have a wedding ring, Dirk, I’m the one who bought it for you.” But he’s secretly very pleased, which leads me to:
Todd isn’t nearly as demonstrative as Dirk, but he thrives on married life in a quietly intense way. He never really thought he’d find this kind of stability in a relationship or in life, and he takes to the domesticity of it in ways he never expected to. He loves doing chores around the house and making sure Dirk remembers to eat and filling out forms with both their names. He did a lot of these things before they married, of course, but there’s something weirdly thrilling about filling out joint taxes for himself and his husband Dirk, even if he’ll never admit it.
Dirk notices all this and doesn’t really know how to articulate how much it means to him, so he fumbles and says things like “You’re a wonderful househusband, Todd,” which makes Todd throw a soapy sponge at him.
Dirk tries to make up for the househusband comment by saying, “You’re a wonderful trophy husband” instead, which makes Todd throw a pillow at him.
In the early days of their marriage, Dirk feels a little insecure because Todd doesn’t always wear his ring, and when he does, he tends to hide his hand in his pocket. Then Dirk catches Todd in a vulnerable moment, staring down at the ring and turning it around on his finger with a little secret smile, and Dirk realises that the reason Todd doesn’t show off like Dirk does is because he cares too much - so much that it embarrasses him to display the ring as a sign of all those deep emotions he usually tries to hide.
Every month, Farah has to have a firm conversation with Dirk about why it would be unprofessional to put “Holistic Husband” on his business cards.
The honeymoon, of course, was meant to be a romantic getaway and turned into some kind of batshit chaotic case. (Think the “A Nice Change” episode of Black Books. Dirk: Yes, I never thought I’d spend my honeymoon performing surgery on myself and being told to sacrifice a monkey. Todd: WE SAID WE WOULDN’T TALK ABOUT CANADA.)
Dirk learns the word for “husband” or equivalent in every language he can think of: “You never know when we might need to learn another language for a case, Todd! Can’t always rely on having a translator about.” This reasoning conveniently overlooks the fact that he never retains any useful words like “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” or “have you seen this cat,” but Dirk rests easy knowing that, no matter where in the world they find themselves, he can point at Todd and yell, “THAT’S MY HUSBAND!”
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