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𑣲beomkai || beomgyu x hueningkai

> cw : implied physical abuse (objects are thrown but no one is hit), arguments, implied mental illness

> oneshot

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

The click of the apartment lock brought Beomgyu back to reality from his dream-like haze, lying comfortably sprawled across his and Kai’s velvety sofa. A soft yawn escaped his lips as he strained his neck to take in the sight of his boyfriend.

Kai looked slightly dishevelled, his hair tousled and cheeks rosy. Despite his undeniable loyalty, Beomgyu just couldn’t shake that deep insecurity. The familiar ache of a sickness rooted in so many years of perceived inadequacy blossomed in the back of his mind.

Attempting to clear his mind of such thoughts, Beomgyu redirected his attention to the movie he’d lost the plot of long ago. He thinks it could’ve been about zombies. Or was it vampires? He couldn’t have less of a clue. The only thing on his mind was the dimpled man plaguing his relationship. Correcting his previously relaxed posture, he curled up into a protective position, he began to shield himself from the pressure of facing the conversation to come.

Setting his overly decorated keys onto the valet table with a quiet clank, Kai glanced over to the usual spot his boyfriend claimed on the sofa. He wasn’t there. Instead, Beomgyu had settled into his spot. To Kai It was endearing, in a way; watching their separate spaces and routines merge into one. For Beomgyu, this small, otherwise unnoticeable action derived from his intense need to be the only one in Kai’s tract, despite how impossible it sounded.

“Hey,” Kai began, pausing to gently kiss the top of Beomgyu’s head and receiving a quiet mumble in return. Though, before he could continue, he noticed the man’s slight recoil upon being touched. Trying to make sense of such behaviour, he questioned: “Have you eaten, Gyu?”

“No,” he sharply replied, taking a moment before carrying on, “but don't worry about me, I'm sure you ate with Soobin-hyung.”

Something about his tone left a bitter taste in Kai’s mouth, why is he being like this?

“Mm, okay.” He sighed, this kind of tension was common in their relationship; between Beomgyu’s jealousy issues and Kai’s own insecurities there was a lot left undiscussed. Regardless of their clashing personalities, they couldn’t get enough of each other.

In a desperate attempt to ease the brewing conflict, Kai made himself comfortable next to Beomgyu, placing a gentle hand on his thigh. Even though his intentions were pure, the act seemed to have the opposite effect he’d hoped for. Beomgyu shifted uncomfortably before getting up completely, “don’t fucking touch me.” He spat, before abandoning Kai in their living room.

Dumbfounded, Kai just sat there for a moment, replaying his previous actions in his mind to come up with some pathetic excuse to explain why his boyfriend is treating him in such a way. In reality, he knew why. He just didn’t want to admit that someone he obsessed over and idolised so greatly could act like this, he saw Beomgyu as his sun, the centre of life itself. He never knew that a simple outing with his childhood friend, Soobin, would trigger some sort of episode; at least not like this.

Beomgyu slammed the bedroom door, sliding down against the coarse wood and planting himself onto the cold floor; a grave contrast to the warmth he felt in Kai’s arms. Yet, he still pushed him away. Hugging his knees to his chest, he cried. The kind of practiced cry soft enough to muffle any sound produced, derived from years of emotional suppression and the fear of appearing weak.

Warily, Kai made his way over to the door. Using the pads of his feet to silence himself, wanting to avoid startling Beomgyu. He opened his mouth to speak, yet nothing came out. Not a cry, nor a beg. He paused, pressing his forehead against the door, searching for a sign. A sign that proved it was going to be okay, that it was just a misunderstanding and they can go back to how it was before. He began to hate himself for ruining their progress.

On the other side of the door, Beomgyu felt sick with envy, he didn't want to feel like this; he just wanted to belong to someone and have that same level of devotion reciprocated. A part of him knew that it was innocent, that they were just catching up.

Admitting that meant admitting that he had problems, real, deep-rooted issues. He hated the pity, the looks of disapproval mixed with something akin to shame. He didn't like being treated like he was fragile.

Fearing the silence, Kai knocked on the door.

“Gyu? Please open the door. I don't want to fight with you.”

Silence. Thick and heavy.

Beomgyu dragged his body away from the door, knowing Kai would be persistent and open the door regardless of if he were to protest or not. He wanted to yell, he wanted to apologise, he wanted to cry. It's hard to say things you have kept hidden for so long out loud, so he won't say anything at all.

Kai sighed, frustration bubbling within him. He waited, his patience grew thinner and thinner the longer Beomgyu rejected his attempts at communication.

After two long minutes, he twisted the door handle and pushed the door open with more force than needed, pausing to take in the sorry sight before him.

Beomgyu forced himself up, still wanting to maintain his perceived strength, even though he and Kai had shared moments of vulnerability before, this was different. Neither of them spoke for a moment, staring intensely at one another.

Kai took a step, leaving a metre between them. Beomgyu clutched the phone in his hoodie pocket. Kai took another step and that was all it took. Beomgyu impulsively threw the phone at him with no regard for the object's value, he had to protect his pride. Teary-eyed, Beomgyu spoke up: "don't come near me. I dont- i dont want you near me.”

Heart racing, Kai looked at Beomgyu like he didn't know who he was.

“What is this all about, Gyu? I barely recognise you right now.”

Beomgyu’s shoulders softened, as if the realisation of how he was acting had settled in.

“I know it's irrational, okay?”, he rushed, the words tripping over each other. “I know you're not doing anything wrong, I know that! But it doesn't stop it from feeling like everything's about to fall apart all the time and I don't know how to shut it off-” His voice cracked, he hated that it did, that it made everything sound weaker, smaller.

Kai closed his eyes for a second, like he was gathering himself. When he spoke, his voice was quieter,but still strained. “I can’t be the thing that fixes that for you.”

Beomgyu’s head snapped up. “I’m not asking you to fix it!”

“Then what are you asking me to do?” Kai demanded, frustration creeping back into his tone. “Because right now it feels like no matter what I do, I’m always one step away from messing up in your eyes.”

“I’m asking you to stay,” Beomgyu said, almost desperately. “Just, please, stay.”

“I am staying," Kai replied, “But I need you to meet me halfway.”

Beomgyu let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know how.”

Kai looked at him for a long moment, really looking this time. “Then you need to figure that out,” he said quietly. “Because I can’t keep fighting you like this. I do want to help, but you can't rely solely on me to save you.”

The words didn’t echo.

They just settled over the pair.

“Okay?” Kai asked, approaching his boyfriend and standing just a few centimetres away, the soft light of the setting sun framing their faces.

“Okay.” Beomgyu sighed, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding before pulling kai into his arms and resting his head on his shoulder. A gentle, unspoken promise.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔