Hotwife Lifestyle - The Stages, and Why Honesty is Best Even When Itβs Hard
We receive a lot of questions on the Hotwife Lifestyle β how to get into it, how to bring it up, whether or not itβs βhealthyβ, why some people are so drawn to it and others find itβ¦off-putting. Β It seems, though, that the majority of our questions come from men who are worried to express their sexual desires to their wives or partners. Β Hereβs one such question: Β When D first told you he wanted you to be with other men what did you think? Were you excited or did you look down on him? Iβve tried round about conversations with my wife and when the topic of swinging or being with other people comes up, she says she doesnβt want to be one of those kind of people. That people who really love each other donβt want their person with someone else. She says sheβs so glad Iβm not one of those guys, but I am just havenβt told her. Iβm afraid sheβll hate me.
The answer to this question isnβt simple, and I will definitely say that in very few situations is someone able to bring up something like this, without previous interest shown by their significant other, and have that person jump completely on board. Β Itβs not one of those βOh my GOD, Iβve been waiting our entire relationship for you to say you want me to be with other peopleβ type of things. Β There are stages that women go through when they find out about these things, in most cases, and Iβll go through the stages that I initially went through.
Stage One β Wow, this is a pretty cool βfantasyβ
So, D brought up the idea that βalternative lifestylesβ, namely swinging or a threesome with another man, was something that erotically turned him on. Β D and I were (and still partially are) βlong distanceβ, so you can imagine that weβve had many hot and heavy conversations with each other about sex, fantasies, etc. Β It was never brought up as βI would like you to do thisβ, rather more in the context of telling a story about watching me meeting a man at a bar and taking him up to a hotel room and then D coming in to watch and eventually participate. Β I fed back into the fantasy, telling him how I would do things, what I would wear, how I would act, etc., because at the time I fully thought this was just long distance βpillow talkβ. Β
D knew about my past with my ex-husband β I wonβt go into great detail, but he cheated on me, was a porn addict, alcoholic, forced me physically to do things that were painful both emotionally and physically, etc. Β He knew the way that I felt about monogamy (that it was something I desperately wanted), so he just spoke about things in βfantasy termsβ and I was okay with thatβ¦it was FUN! Β I knew that D had been a βswingerβ in the past with his ex-wife, but I was under the impression that he didnβt enjoy itβ¦that it was something he did to keep her happy and to make life easier at home in a terribly dysfunctional marriage (Iβve since found out that I was slightly wrong in this belief, as he did enjoy it, just got tired of some of the ways she handled things). Β I was okay with his past, because he said that after a while he lost interest in it, and I figured that it was just a fun fantasy that we could share together in bed.
Stage Two β Okay, this is for real and Iβm terrified
At some point, D began expressing more of an interest in βtrying outβ some things in the swingers community. Β I was shocked at firstβ¦but I was also new to the relationship, newly divorced, and I wanted him to think I was the βcool girlβ who would do anything to make him happy. Β I thought to myselfβ¦βHow bad could it really be?β. Β Was there an interest in it for meβ¦maybe a slight one, just because it was taboo and crazy, and I think I had something more like βEyes Wide Shutβ in mind, you know, beautiful people dressed in tuxedos and cocktail dresses with masks and sex that was sensual and erotic happening in almost an artistic way. Β
D found a few swingers sites, got us on Tumblr, and we started looking into things. Β I also started to realize that a lot of what I saw wasnβt exactly what I had pictured. Β I also started to really think critically about whether or not I wanted to give up monogamy β at the very least not giving it up on my side by allowing him to be with other women. Β We flirted and chatted with a few couples, and my suspicions about my comfort level were indeed correctβ¦I was not okay with my man showing an interest in another woman. Β D was actually pretty okay with thatβ¦he said he was more turned on by the idea of me being with another man anyway. Β His ultimate goal was to have a threesome with me and another manβ¦I figured βI guess I could do that once β even if it was terrible, it would only be for a couple of hours and then I would have made one of Dβs fantasies come trueβ. Β So, we started looking into finding a threesome partnerβ¦I got scared again and didnβt think I could go through with it. Β I was worried about becoming one of βthose peopleβ, that my parents and friends would look down upon for being slutty or whorish or somehow a derelict member of society. Β I was worried about people finding out. Β I was worried about how I would feel about it after the fact, and I was most worried about why in the hell a man that said he loved me would possibly want me to have sex with someone elseβ¦that was cheating, right? Β Men who love their wives want to keep other men away from them, not invite them in to fuck them, right? Β
Again, I was going through a whirlwind, and D was there to assure me that everything would work out if I would just give it a try. Β He would be the BEST and most ATTENTIVE boyfriend/fiance/husband in the world if I did this. Β I would be showered with more romance than I could possibly take. Β I would be rewarded handsomely for doing this for himβ¦and, yeah, that all sounded pretty damned good to me. Β Did I mention Iβm a die hard romantic, and if Iβm tempted with grand romance and romantic gestures I have a hard time resisting? Β
Stage Three β Learning Modeβ¦bury myself in the research
So, here is when I went into full on research mode, as is my nature. Β I researched every aspect of this βkinkβ, the psychology of it, the βreal lifeβ situations, talked to people online, read blogs, articles (both from real couples and psychologists). Β I started to realize that my βidealβ of monogamy is something that was probably given to me when I was a child and was influenced by the way that I was raised to be a classy, demure girl who kept certain things sacred. Β Sex was sacred, you only gave that away to people who you thought you loved or you planned to be withβ¦I was the girl who made boyfriends wait months and months to have sex, and lost a few in the process. Β Before D, I had only been with 4 other men in my entire life, one of which was my ex-husband. Β So, you can imagine that his βproposalβ of having a threesome was scaryβ¦very scary. Β
I actually stumbled upon the idea of Hotwives (he had brought it up before, but it wasnβt his focus at the time). Β I thoughtβ¦βwell, this might be easierβ¦just meeting a guy one on one, having a date and then having sexβ. Β I always knew I didnβt want a βbullβ who would take me to a seedy motel, rip off my clothes, slap my ass and fuck meβ¦I guess I was looking for the βromanceβ even in a situation that didnβt appear romantic at the start. Β Again, this was supposed to be a way to βget my feet wetβ enough so that I was comfortable enough to make Dβs threesome fantasy come true. Β I figuredβ¦what the hell, whatβs the harm? Β Not to mention, Iβm going to be getting back SO MUCH from D in way of his gratitude that Iβm going to be the most prized and showered with affection and romance woman on the planet. Β Β
Stage Four β Fuck it, letβs do it
D and I talked and talked endlessly about this stuff, almost to the point that it was all we ever talked about. Β At one point I finally just said, βIβm creating a Tinder account and Iβm going to go on a dateβ¦fuck it.β Β Did I still have reservations? Β Hell yes. Β Did part of me think that when I finally said Iβd do it, D would say βNo baby, donβt do itβ? Β Hell yes. Β Well, that didnβt happenβ¦I opened the profile and within about 2 hours I had a date set up with a man for dinner. Β I still half expected D to stop me before I actually went through with it, but he didnβt, and I did. Β We had dinner and we made out by the car, and I didnβt go home with him. Β I think from that point forward, D was sort of hooked on the Hotwife idea. Β
Originally, I admit, I brought up the idea to scare him. Β He had only ever talked about doing things together and I figured that me doing something on my own would scare the crap out of him and make him realize he wanted me all to himself. Β This is when the real learning really began. Β Iβve learned that D is just one of those men who enjoys the idea of his partner being with other people. Β He gets turned on by it, he gets βjealousβ, but not the same kind of jealous that most people do β meaning not to the point that he wants me to stop, but rather urges me to continue. Β I continue because I want to make him happyβ¦and because at this point itβs kind of part of who we are. Β I realize that D just isnβt a βmonogamyβ guy, and he probably wonβt ever be. Β Soβ¦all of these things happened over the course of the last few years, and I went through different emotions all the way through it.
In realityβ¦not everything I thought actually happened the way I thought that it would, both on the positive and the negative side. Β The reality of a thing is usually always different from the fantasy, and things that you plan for or promise donβt always happen, but the journey has been one of major self discovery and it hasnβt been completely without itβs perks. Β
Back to the questionβ¦ Β Did I ever look down on D for his fantasies? Β No, I didnβt. Β Thatβs not to say that I share them β him with another woman would break my heart because I love him too much to see that happen. Β I think itβs that love, though, that allowed me to listen to him and try to understand what he wanted, and to ultimately do something I never thought I would do. Β If you and your wife are solid and you can communicate, you should be able to express to her your desires. Β She should also be able to say βnoβ if thatβs her decision. Β The fact that she already thinks youβre βnot one of those guysβ means you have a little extra work ahead of you, but itβs not impossible. Β You should definitely speak with her and be completely honest about the things that turn you onβ¦lying and hiding are never the answers. Β I do wish you luckβ¦and go easy on your wife, sheβs going to go through all of the feelings I did, and itβs not easy for most women to understand, accept and then actually βdoβ. Β
stormborns
izzy806
romaincrisis
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
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