Just Me Myself & I

I would compare being in love with being on a roller coaster because whilst everything is heightened while you’re together, the same thing happens while you’re apart except things feel a bit more dim without your person. You snuggle up to go to sleep in a soft bed with warm blankets but they’re missing. You wake up and make some breakfast but you no longer need to keep reaching for two cups. You exchange messages but there are no kisses in between sentences. You get ready for the day in an outfit you love but they aren’t watching you in awe, telling you how good you look. You settle down to watch a movie but you have nobody to snuggle with or ask you one too many questions about the plot. You go for walks in the beautiful sunshine but your hand is cold from the absence of their fingers between yours and their arm around your waist. You no longer have to consult them about where or what to eat or what they want to do today. As much as you trust the people in their lives, you can’t help but feel jealous that they get to hear them laugh without appreciating the way they smile or the twinkle in their eyes that lingers for a while after. You cannot help but feel envious that while they are creating memories with your favourite person, all you can do is try to get on with your day without feeling like someone has stolen a limb but you can’t because as much as you love your life and the people that make it worthwhile, you just find yourself constantly and silently bleeding from how much you miss them.

I miss him in a way I’m afraid to talk about. I’m supposed to be better now, I think, but my breath still catches at his ghost sometimes. More often than I’d like. I’m paralyzed by the visceral memories of his fingers on my hips, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, his hand in mine. I’m reminded of the promises tattooed on my heart: the cities we laid claim to but never visited, the goals we had, the life we’d eventually share. I thought he was mine, but in truth, I never even knew him. We were just vague promises. All we had was false hope. We banked on a hazy future. I miss what I had, but more than that I miss the opportunity I lost. I loved the idea of him. I’ll always regret that I did not get to love him.

When my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

LETTER FROM A MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER: “My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day… the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter.” Must share .

Dear Mom, I’m sorry. Oh if I only could express how sorry I am! You always wanted the best for me. You’ve made mistakes but not on purpose. All these years you’ve been and you still are my biggest support. Even now, when I honestly do not deserve it. I think of you as a person that is just too kind for this world. And so am I. We’re so similar in many things and, oh god, did we laugh about things that no one else understood. I know that I sometimes can’t really show it. No, honestly. I’ve done you wrong so many times just because I couldn’t handle a stupid mood swing or had no cigarettes left. You do not deserve this. You deserve so much better. But i love you, I love you so much. And I need you. I’m an awful daughter and i don’t know if I can change but you’re my world, mom. You’re everything to me and I’m proud to say that because you’re the best thing in my whole life. You were the one that rubbed my back and dried my swollen eyes when i was crying my eyes out over a guy that I met secretly. You were the one that forced me to go to the hospital when all i wanted was an overdose. You cared for my cuts. And i know that seeing them broke your heart. And knowing that breaks my heart. You wouldn’t say it but you hate blue hair and black clothes and all the piercings and stuff. And I have all of it. But you still hold my tattooed hand. I don’t know where my life began to turn wrong and everything crashed and the burning pieces fell down on me. But one thing I know for sure: it isn’t your fault. You did so good, really. You warned me about the older boys, the drugs that take you to heaven but then to hell, all of it. I didn’t listen. I guess I just had to experience it myself. My heart explodes in my chest when I think about what I put you through. I made you cry. I made you feel helpless. I made you get so exhausted mentally that you had to seek help yourself. I can never make that up to you. Never. You’re the best and I honesty don’t know why you’re still by my side. But I love you, I love you so much it hurts.

“And I don’t know how to tell you this mommy but I’m not that same little girl you birthed and raised. I’m not the same little girl whose hair you braided. I’m not the same little girl you fed with your calloused hands. I’m not the same little girl you love so dearly. I’ve changed from your little angel to this monster I don’t even recognize. I’m sorry for not being what you wanted me to be; I’m sorry that I disappointed you. But I’ll always love you mommy and I hope you can still see in my eyes that you will always be my hero, despite me not being your angel.”

When my therapist doesn't get it and then time runs out

I’ll always be your little failure.