Personal Confessions

Whelp I might as well make some sort of journal post. I am going to pretty much ignore all grammar and punctuation. This is mainly for me and I plan to write as I think and speak. Even these periods seem a bit formal and I might just throw a comma or two in there, because really I only pause a bit but it really is all up to how lazy/tired I am. Today was a bit crazy for me. My sleep schedule is shit and today is basically the culmination of it all. Hopefully I will be able to start sleeping/getting up consistently after I try this reset (allnighter XS) spelling is also something I am not going to care too much about. Words are all about meaning and conveying it and this relaxed style of writing and thinking probably conveys what I am actually thinking/saying/typing a bit more than using formal rules. I am really liking this cover of “Make her a member of the Midnight Crew” that fistbunp on tumblr posted I really wish I could find a repeat setting for it because I have to keep going back to it and starting it again.

I will sometimes start new paragraphs but this is probably going to be composed of huge chunks of text.

Also I just don’t feel like tabbing atm.

Just lots of enter

Enter

Idk when I am tired I feel more creative, like I want to draw and write and sing and read and just talk with every and I want deep revealing conversations

I want people to get to know me better at these times

This is probably why I like drinking so much

Because it’s similar to being sleepy except motion gets funky with the trade off of being a little sick

At this point the journal is turning into short text posts like if I was IMing myself.

W/e I need to write at least 1 very critical formulaic 10pg paper for the vampire class this year

I hope I can do it well

I really want to succeed this semester

I plan on taking lots of notes and focusing on documentation of a lot of my projects and classes and readings

I just need to get out of rush and start thinking and feeling like I am back in school

I need to treat my free time as not play time but as time to improve myself and to relax a bit

Relax a bit in ways that don’t involve playing

Reading my technical books and getting ahead in classes would be optimal but right now I want to at least attend all of my classes and have everything sort of start up

It would be great if I could look for a job and work on my portfolio this semester as well

Also half of this I am typing with my eyes closed and my touch pad is sensitive and sometimes I click it by accident and it moves where my sentences go. It’s a pain in the -ass- butt but I will try to catch when that happens.

I really am loving this I am already feeling a bit better

It’s just nice to talk even if it is with no one

If I record my thoughts like this I can show them to people or look back and remember or find what I was thinking at the time.

I’m pretty sure I will keep up with this e-journal if I can throughout this semester. Mostly when I am pulling stupid all nighers like this most likely but it could be just to fill the time. It will help express myself and hopefully improve my typing abilities a bit and maybe I can catch some creative content that I can use. So I tried making a character on the spot and that was hella hard. I ended up instead writing a list of character traits and then doodling in the dark for a bit and that ended pretty sadly. Comic artist are fantastic like being able to consistently draw the same features in different positions takes a ton of practice and stylistic knowledge.  In addition to the character I wanted to just freestyle a story. But again I’m not sure if I can do this. That’s a bit of what inspired this. If I can’t or am too lazy to write/start a story about people or places I don’t know then I might as well write about my story and what is going on in my life atm

My dad has been pressuring me to work hard at getting a job and he is right to do so

Pressure is probably a bad word here

Because it is what it feels like from my side but I also realize it looks really shitty from his view and he is just encouraging me

The real world is scary and I feel hella unprepared for the workplace

Like super unqualified and just not knowledgeable for interviews

I should just review design practices and document stuff hella hard and hope that plays to my strengths

I hope we get a project that is part of a webpage this semester

I would love that and all of the project options that we are requesting at noon today should be good I am just super worried that my group is more friends than people who will work really hard on this

But I am ok with dominating and overworking on this class/project because I have a ton of time outside of class compared to usual

This should allow for all the reading and review I want to do this semester

I am also scared for my friend Alyssa because she is in a super hard situation that is just amazing that she can handle it so bravely

Like she is working so hard on her own to try and do what she loves but she is struggling to meet basic living requirements.

I hope I don’t fall asleep at the computer and miss my first TT classes

TTnTT

Would be super sad

But I think I will really love this semester. I’m a bit excited for tonight because I get to give a bid but I just hope I am awake enough to do it properly.

Man my jam is Vanessa Carlton’s Ordinary Day like that is my sappy love song

I think it is so pretty the wonder that is attractive

I love the world just ordinary is beautiful

Marvel at everything

Be happy

You are amazing you are fantastic you are a wonder to behold and you are you

Like no one else can even compare to who you are how amazing you can be and how amazing you are in the past

You are now and you are unique

Every person you meet is a gift and when you find people that see you as a gift in their life back you are truly blessed.

I hope I have many ordinary days

Days that I can make wonderful

Days that I can share.

I think I will go shower soon. I want to be more clean this semester but it just takes planning it into my schedule

I also think I might still be a little shy about using a semi public shower

Like it just doesn’t feel the same as a shower that is just MINE

And I know it will be free and it is a place where I can relax and not worry about other people needing to use it in a timely manner

I also started re-reading homestuck tonight, idk how far I will get before I give up the first part is pretty rough, especially now that I don’t have the suspense of learning about the characters.

I might post this publicly to a blog idk I still haven’t decided

As you can tell I don’t know about a lot of things

It feels bad but it’s really normal.

I need playlists for music I like and I need more anime to watch and I need hours to sleep however long I want

I need a fridge and microwave and stove by the bed and a bookshelf so I can stay in bed all day and read near a window where I can watch the rain and cuddle up in my comforter and just love the shit out of myself and a story.

I want a party where I can go crazy and collapse and be comfy and enjoy the people around me and have them chill and talk and collapse with me

Singing is also something I really would love to learn

Or at least start by learning a few songs and memorizing the lyrics

I am really bad at remembering things

Just in general

Not in a forgetfulness way but details and mostly unimportant things

Turning up my music and jamming.

There are some significant (30sec-2min) gaps in some of these lines so it might seem a bit disjointed.