Livelovelaughwoso :)

Yeah, that might be the definition of home but it didn't necessarily read the same for everyone.  

A place to call your home was everything you'd ever wanted. The four pillars were the same. Except for frames, the white stood empty, reflecting the neglect you’d experienced over the years. The corners stood their stance, except it was haunted with memories of your mom telling you to shut it and stop acting baby instead of a loving mother who pulled you into her embrace and whispered everything would be okay when you stubbed your toe. 

Dinner was shared between the three, but instead of stories, silence consumed all. Younger you tried to fill it with your giggles and recited your time at kindergarten only for it to be turned down immediately by your father, declaring ‘peace’ and quiet were the only requirements at the table. Anything you had to say was not appreciated and it was made clear to you. 

You would’ve almost thought this was normal, that this was how any ‘family’ would operate, that ‘I love you’ were not words that were spoken around in a household, not something you'd have to be reminded of once in a while. 

It was just a term that you knew existed. That you knew strayed far from the commands of your parents, lived in the space where your head was bowed as they shouted, floated in the distance you kept from them so as not to get into their face. Reachable but never close to be in the palm of your hands. 

You'd almost learned that maybe love was exactly that. Never to expect it from anyone because it was never going to be showered at you anyway. But the universe had a lucky card for you in its pocket. 

That card had a title known as football and underneath, spelt in fourteen beautiful letters was a name called Alexia Putellas. 

A name that gifted you the family you had always desired, always yearned for. A love that was unconditional and went beyond any expectation, beyond any limits. Just there, just present, just fully yours. 

A quick parents teacher meeting, a suggestion from your PT sir to get you into Barcelona’s youth academy as their coaches had reached out to him enquiring about you after you had impressed them with your exceptional skills and asked if you were available to join and an even quicker agreement by your parents to get you in so they could have more time off. 

Well if that stung, stepping onto that field definitely made up for it. Cause stood on those green grasses was Barcelona’s captain, who you would soon realise was everything you had been missing all along. 

What started with a soft, almost cautious ‘Hola, nena’ to a very shy little girl standing at the back of the group, barely speaking to anyone, soon turned into hours long of conversation between both. 

The stories from school which you weren't allowed to tell were welcomed by Alexia with all her heart, a soft smile always lingering on her lips whenever you recreated a scenario with enthusiasm, hands flying in all directions to exaggerate the point.

A proud expression and praise always on the tip of her tongue when you brightly told her about your milestones and achievements in class. 

Having heard about personal cheerleaders from various strangers, finding one for your own definitely made it better. 

The laugh, the uncontrollable ones where your shoulder shook, your teeth showed and you had to clutch your stomach because it hurt to even breathe was born out of Alexia's ability to do silly little tricks around you; weird keepy-uppies, being nutmegged and giving you a pout as if it wasn't intentional at all. 

And honestly, Alexia would do it everyday without complaint if it meant your sweet, sweet melody kept murmuring in her ears. 

The wounds and bruises which were earlier met by annoyed looks, were now taken care with tender kisses and gentle dabs of cotton soaked in antiseptic around the area, Alexia’s touch almost featherlight, brows furrowed in worry as she blew soft air to make it hurt less every time you hissed.

The ice cream dates which although doesn't sound much, meant everything to you, sometimes as a reward for making her proud, which you did on a daily basis for her even if it just constituted you kicking a ball from the corner, and sometimes just because. 

As years passed, you grew, with a hand constant in yours, with a warm forehead kiss and a lingering ‘love you’ becoming non-negotiable. A sweet little girl, her chica, found a permanent place in Alexia’s heart. A place no one could replace, no one could move. It belonged to you and only you. 

And as you were officially promoted to the first team, you couldn't have been more grateful. For the chance to build your own family, for the pitch, for the team, for Alexia. 

To you,

Alexia was home and home was Alexia. 

There was no difference between them, there could never be. 

So when the news of her leaving arrived, it felt like a knife that plunged within and settled deep in your chest, heavy and immovable. Each syllable of that information shattered something you’ve spent years creating. 

Rooted the fear of abandonment that you’ve only just escaped. It felt like betrayal, felt like a sacred promise being broken by the same hands that spent decades nurturing it. 

Sure, you had seen many rumours jump around on the internet. But you paid no mind to it. It was ridiculous, it had to be. For you, it was set in stone that Alexia would never leave Barcelona - that Alexia would never leave you. 

Anything besides that was not comprehended by you, not even a thought that would likely circle after viewing so many false claims. 

A bubble you'd created around yourself and peacefully lived in, until one day Alexia pulled you aside, and sat you down beside her, taking your hands in hers and squeezing them tightly. You knew right away that no good news was about to follow just by looking into her deep hazel green eyes and the sigh that escaped before any coherent sentence. 

“I have to tell you something.” Alexia had said. There was pain in her voice, which you realised was soon going to be echoed from every inch of your body with the subsequent words. 

“What is it?” There was silence after that. Maybe Alexia was giving you time to prepare for whatever’s to come next but it didn't. Every millisecond that was unfilled was a further push down your inmost dread. 

“I won't be here anymore.” She held your gaze as she said it and you could see the impact her own choices were having on her. The grip on your hands becoming tighter, the lights revealing something dangerously shiny in her orbs she was trying so hard not to let loose, her voice cracking, the same thing your heart did when the words were delivered. “I mean in - in Barcelona, by the end of the season.” 

Time stopped. Maybe not for everyone else, but it most certainly did for you. The world, which was clear a second ago, became blurry as the tears welled. The room, which was spacious, suddenly started to close in at a threatening pace, ready to crush you and every dream you'd ever had in a quick snap. 

Alexia’s lips were moving, you could make that much, but she might as well have been speaking gibberish because nothing settled with you after ‘I won’t be here.’ You were frozen right there and then, frozen in a place where you could literally see your safety net, your shield behind which the 11-year-old you hid when everything felt too loud, too heavy, break into a million pieces right in front of you. 

Alexia was tugging at your fingers, maybe asking for a response, to check how you were feeling. But you stayed dead silent, staring right past her into the abyss, into the void that had its claws coming straight for you. 

You could barely feel anything; or maybe you felt everything too much, too sudden, too devastating. And the brunette in front of you was asking you to voice it out. But how could you? Which potential set of alphabets carried the power that could explain what this was doing to you?  

How could you describe that it felt like the family you had built, that she had helped build with you, was now being snatched by her very hands?  

How could you demonstrate that you were mourning the loss of the arms that sheltered you in their warmth, the face you immediately searched for every time you scored; the shoulders that carried you and ran around the field after every game you won, would now just be a wish you desperately clung to?

How could you put across that you were shit scared to lose the grip that she held on to your palms? Afraid that if you moved even an inch, the touch would disappear in a foreign land and you would never find it again? 

“Say something nena.” she had pleaded.

But you didn't. You couldn't. Because if you did, it would become real. And that could not happen, you wouldn't survive it. It was a joke, a cruel and brutal joke your capí was playing with you, perhaps a prank devised by Vicky to get back at you and you wouldn't give in to it. 

No, you wouldn't.

So your response was pulling yourself away from her, untangling your hand from hers and taking a stance, only for your legs to feel like jelly and buckle at any moment under the weight that was forced upon you. 

Alexia stood up too. The heartbreak was screaming from every inch of her skin. If hearing the news made you miserable, delivering it was just as difficult and you not uttering anything against it made it 100x worse than she had imagined. 

She reached out, wanting to hold you close again. Only for you to take a step back, and again until you turned your back and bolted out the door. 

Because that was a nightmare, a bad dream you were experiencing. You were asleep, some demon had definitely possessed your mind for you to imagine such horrible things. 

Yes, that was the only correct explanation for all of it. 

And as you ran, you slapped and pinched yourself multiple times, desperate enough to try anything and everything to get yourself to wake up. 

And until you did, you would run, even if it meant till the end of the earth. Because stopping meant, you'd had to face the truth, accept a fact, a life that didn't have Alexia by your side every day of the week. And you weren’t ready to acknowledge it, you weren't sure if you ever could. 

The whole team had spent the entire day searching for you. Alexia’s vocal had almost given out after screaming your name on top of her lungs but to no success. It was almost like you had vanished into thin air. 

But in reality, you were just hiding behind some old and abandoned equipment, both hands clasped around your mouth so the sound of your violent sobbing wouldn't escape, hidden in a dark room so that your trembling body wouldn't give you away. 

And you would wait there, until the sun rose and the night dipped, till the cruel world was replaced with the fairy-like illusion you'd ever want to live in. 

——

Fools always live in an imagination they create for themselves. After yesterday, you weren't far away from being one of them. 

And you wanted nothing more than to be them. To continue to live in that blissful, happy little world you had curated for yourself. A world that didn't bag Alexia and put her miles away. 

Oh, how you wished that when you opened your eyes the next day that world would still exist.

But it didn't. Instead it came holding a reality check in the form of a farewell for your Capí. An event that would make it painfully true, painfully real.

Getting yourself there had taken everything. Every single step down that corridor was an experience you wished would stop. You didn't realise that one day keeping a foot in front of the other could prove to be such a difficult task. 

You’d told yourself it was just another sunrise, another normal 24 hours that would pass, that it didn’t mean anything, that showing up didn’t mean accepting it. But the size of the crowd that had gathered, the cameras, the banners, they didn’t care about your denial. They were indifferent to the bubble you were desperately trying to keep intact.

You positioned yourself at the far edge, half hidden. Close enough that leaving would’ve felt like a betrayal you couldn’t live with. Far enough that hopefully no one would notice if you fell apart.

You kept your eyes low for most of it. Cause looking up would mean looking at her. And that would break you into pieces you weren't sure anyone would be able to gather. 

You kept repeating yourself that this was all just a show. That there's probably someone waiting on the sideline, ready to pop out and yell late April Fools' Day into the mic. 

But then Alexia began to speak. 

The careful words, the sincere gratitude towards everyone who had been a part of her journey, the years she had spent playing for her team and how she was going to carry it in her heart wherever she next stops. 

And then the applause started.

It rose like a wave, enormous and all-consuming, and so brutally, devastatingly final. It filled every corner, bounced off every surface until it was all you could hear and it was real, it was there. It was happening. Right in front of you, right now, with no darkness to hide in and no sleep to escape into.

You felt the first tear before you even realised you were crying. Then another. You pressed your lips together so tightly they went white, hands balled into fists at your sides, shoulders rigid, absolutely refusing to make a single sound because this was her moment. Her farewell. And you would not make it about yourself, you would not, even as everything inside you screamed.

So you stood there and you let the applause wash over you and you let the tears fall silently and you watched the woman who was your home say goodbye to hers.

And the denial, stubborn and fierce as it had been, quietly died at your feet.

——

Alexia had hardly been able to step into the room when a body collided with her at full force, knocking her off balance for a minute before she regained her composure, enveloping her in a hug so tight it almost hurt. 

You had crashed into her with all your might, your pose giving in to a run the moment you heard her footsteps approaching close. Your hands fisting the back of her shirt in a death grip, face landing against her chest as your tears soaked the fabric.

You had tried avoiding the truth entirely, tired pretending it wasn't going to happen, hoping the problem would solve itself, but nothing could make it go away. So you played your last shot, something you should've done in the first place before it got too late. 

“Please don't leave,” you begged, voice muffled by your sobs and her shirt where your front was currently pressed. “Please, Ale. Please don't go.” 

The words finally departed your lips, the same ones that you wanted to scream since yesterday, the ones that had been stuck in your throat since the moment Alexia had sat you down. 

“Please, Alexia” Your voice broke as did Alexia’s heart with each word. Your cries only grew more grievous as did your pleas “I promise I won't be a bother to you anymore and I will listen to everything you say. I will never ever create trouble with Vicky anymore if that's what you want. But please don't go, Ale. Please don't leave me.” 

Desperation dripped from every letter and if Alexia wasn't already crying before, she sure did now. You didn't care if you looked seven instead of seventeen weeping in her arms. If that's what it took to get her to stay, you would do it without a second thought. 

Alexia had to bite her bottom lip to stop the shattering noise that was bubbling inside. She knew the goodbyes were going to be hard, but this right here, a snotty mess in her arms, no one could brace her for that. No amount of preparation in the world could make her steady enough to witness the pure agony that laced her nena’s voice. 

She didn't interrupt your wails or your pleads, instead wrapped both her arms around you tightly and pulled you in even closer, if that were possible, and placed the firmest kiss against the crown of your head, filled with all the love she could possibly muster, lingering however long you both required it to be. 

Alexia could sense that you had only now started to wrap your head around the situation, that it was only now that the news was actually hitting you full force, that your fractured cries were you trying to process everything. 

And so she let you. She would give you all the time you needed, however much you asked without any hesitation. Because that's what she had always done and that's what she was always going to do. 

Rocking you both gently, she let you cry your heart out, her own tears merging with your hair. 

Time passed, she didn't care. Some teammates and staff tried entering, unaware of the duo present and understood from one look from their Captain, that they needed this space and stepped out respecting it. 

Eventually Alexia had led you both to the couch, her hold on you not relaxing once. You weren't even aware of it as your face stayed hidden against her, not ready to face the world yet. 

“Look at me, nena.” She murmured eventually, her voice rough from her own emotions she was trying hard to gulp.

You shook your head violently against her chest, tightening your hold. You couldn't. Looking at her meant viewing the finality in her eyes. It meant facing the decision you knew she couldn't take back. And you didn't want to do it. Desperately, intensely, wanted to foil it and throw it somewhere far, so you wouldn't have to talk about it. 

“Look at me.” she whispered again, gentler this time, as she coaxed you out of your shell. She shifted slightly, moving her hands to cup your face and tilting it up, her thumbs wiping the endless stream of tears on your cheeks.

“I’m not leaving you.” 

“But you are.” You were quick to cut her off, your voice sounding impossibly young, impossibly innocent. “You are going away, you are leaving me.” 

Because that's exactly what it felt like to you. That's all you could think since the words had first landed.

“Listen to me carefully,” Alexia’s voice took an edge, her hands not moving from your face even, not letting you retreat back into her chest even as you tried. She needed you to hear it clearly and drill that into yourself. “I’m not leaving you. I could never leave you, that's not even an option. I will call you everyday until you get fed up and decide to block me. I will fly back the very second you need me. There’s nothing that could keep me from coming home to my nena.”

Her voice was firm, and her bloodshot eyes carried that definitiveness that told you she meant everything she said. 

But fear spoke louder to you, the inevitable change that was condemning made it harder to believe. 

“But it's not going to be the same, Ale.” you whispered back, your voice worn out from crying “One day you're going to wake up that's isn't here but I still will be. I’m still going to kick the ball around at training but you won't be there. It won't ever be the same, nothing will.” 

Alexia closed her eyes for just a second. Not because she didn’t have an answer, but because the weight of how right you were sat heavy on her too.

“I know,” she agreed, there was no argument, there couldn't be one. “You’re right, it's not going to be the same. And it's going to hurt. For both of us.” 

“Then why are you leaving? Just stay.” The same plea you had been repeating, the same hope you had been fostering, surfacing yet again. 

“Because you know I can't baby,” Alexia’s voice cracked, no matter how much she tried for it to not. “It’s the right decision for the team, for everyone.” 

“It isn't for me!” A fresh wave of tears broke from you at the confession “I don't want to be anywhere that isn't with you. Take me with you.” 

Alexia pulled you in again. She couldn't bear looking at you like this but there wasn't anything she could do either, instead of letting time take control and stay with you in the moment for a fraction longer. 

“If I could, I would take you with me in a heartbeat. I too don't want to be anywhere that isn't with mi chica.” Alexia spoke softly, trying her best to keep her words from wobbling. One hand firmly keeping your head tucked against her chest while the other rubbed soothing circles on your back. 

“But Barcelona needs you more, the team, the badge needs you more.” Even the thought of being far from you was eating away at Alexia but she knew it had to be done. She knew it was important for you to understand why what she was doing was necessary for the future that was about to come.

“My work here is done, nena. It’s time I let you and the others do theirs. I’ve done all I could for the club, I've created my legacy. And it's only right that I step aside to give you the chance to create yours.” 

You didn't respond to that. You just pressed yourself closer to her. Because somewhere deep within your brain, the logical part that was still somehow functioning amidst the chaos that had ensued, knew that Alexia was right.  

Knew that Alexia deserved to be free from the responsibilities that she had carried on her shoulders for years. Knew that it was only right she got the chance to enjoy the game she so wholeheartedly loved without the constant pressure. Knew that she had emptied herself for the club and that it was only fair she spent the last phase of her career rebuilding the pieces of herself she had given away to it.  

“I will miss you.” Was the only whisper you could muster. It was the truth in the simplest form, nothing more needed to be added to showcase how much weight and emotions these four bare words held. 

“Mi chica.” Alexia pressed a kiss to your forehead as she held on to you, for however long she could, “I will miss you too. So, so much. You'll always be mine and nothing will change that. Te quiero mucho, mi nena.”

“I love you too, Ale. You’ll always be my home.” 

——

A/n

Call me dramatic, idc. This is exactly how I'm feeling.