daddy's home

Just not an evening for digging up sad stories in detail ‘s all. Not intentional on my part, I guess we’ve just not been at the same events so far. We very much are, in fact. Still engaged and ready to tie the knot as soon as the big C allows it. She’s been here for a while earlier, to congratulate and to meet a few people. She’s got work in L.A. tomorrow morning though, so the kids and her are on their way back. That house isn’t really childproof yet.

I didn’t mean to drag up anything, just trying to, I don’t know, explain? Though, mate, without getting all up in your grill, I’m pretty happy we didn’t run into each other. Like, whatever happened happened and I’m not about to pull shit - way too lazy for that - but I don’t think we’ll hang out chit chatting anytime soon. So, wait, you’re moving here together once the house is done?

Really, you have to get used to it? Well, I’m gonna be a husband for a long time now, so you’ll get used to it eventually. I’m just, mildly freaked I’m gonna lose the ring or something. Oh, absolutely. I feel like I shouldn’t get too drunk, but I’ll raise a glass with you.

Mate, I told you, or tried to, I guess we maybe were both a little sloshed at the time. But, like, it’s not about you at all. It’s about this whole marrying thing. I ... I just don’t think I’m the marrying kind and so that’s all. Totally you behind you for wanting to marry and I mean, you’re like in love with her 5000, so it’s all good. Not too drunk? On your own wedding? Isn’t that one of the main reasons why you have a wedding party? 

Honestly, though, mate, I’m super happy for you and you are both gorgeous souls and you should definitely get on making some cute babies soon. I’m so happy for you, congrats.

You will be there, and I’ll make sure we get to do this. And if only to have a laugh. Superstar? Are you sure you aren’t talking about my wife here? Well, I stayed home with my family, made sure they were all right and kept them from being bored. And now I’m filming a project about Nintendo. Life has been all right. Chickpea samosas sounds pretty neat. 

You realize this means you’ll have to be my elf, yeah? Red and green stockings and bell-shoes, the whole bloody nine yards. You’re both superstars, come on. Wait, a Nintendo project? What is that about? Are you doing Zelda now, is that finally happening? Oh, they are bloody amazing! Why don’t you and that hot wifey of yours don’t come by on a kid-free night and I’ll try my hand at a vegan feast, see if I can make you love it?

I can’t quite put into words how great this day has been so far. Thank y’all for coming. I’m more than excited to be here, to have a beautiful wife by my side and so many of my friends around. Now, how about we all get on our feet and dance the night away?

Gimme a minute to get used to the idea of you as a husband but hell yeah! That was great and you both looked happy, so I am bloody delighted. Raise a glass together?

Which one? I decided to run around my house burning sage leaves and purifying the air, before the new year. There’s no forgiveness, I turned a new page. Well, honestly, I’d be the date of the hottest woman in town, so… it’s mutually beneficial? And my, you rock that suit, I’m so envious. Yeah? I’m so happy. Let’s do this!

We’ll tear up the dancefloor, right? RIGHT?!

Hey, that is the best idea. I should do that more often, purify my space whenever I need to get out with the old and in with the new. Whatever that “old” may be. Oh, well, if that is your thought, too, we’re two really lucky and awesome ladies. I’ll definitely treat you like the queen you are tonight.

Totally we are, how is THAT even a question?

It’s never a bad thing, darling. You’re pretty rad, it’s hard to find other people who are up to your level. Mmm, tell me about it. Somehow I have the worst luck with dates, or men in general? Of course you will! I won’t miss that.

Be my date for the wedding? That way I can show my bestie off the way she deserves to. You could go for a potato bag, and you’d still be lovely. 

Speaking of blokes - what ever happened to the guy who just vanished and then came back begging forgiveness? And, uh, wait, are you really asking me to be the date of the hottest woman in town? How is that a question, shit, you just made my fucking month. 

No, but in all seriousness Gem, I would absolutely love to be your date. 

Mmm, who talked about a surprise? Are you sure you’re deserving of a hug, after you deserted me? What party? It was a quiet holiday time, but it was nice. I spent New Year’s at the beach, actually. There’s something really wonderful about snow-covered beaches in winter. You aren’t sure you survived? Are you talking to me from beyond the grave?

And here I thought my absence was to give you space to grow into the man we both know you can ... I cannot finish that sugary sentence. Come on, mate, you know you missed me and absence just makes the heart grow fonder. Or at least I’d say that applies to me, but maybe you actually are a robot ... And, well, I’ve not drank in a while, so that shite hit harder than expected. But here we are, another day, another party.

Oh, I absolutely agree. I’ve had my share, that’s all, and it’s healthier for the little ones to find a home somewhere else. I’m the world’s worst dog dad. It’s nice to see you around here, I don’t think we ever met in person.

Okay, that sounds ominous but alright. And yeah, well, guess there was good reason so far for us not to cross paths. But so you and Kate aren’t a thing anymore? Or is she here, too?

I see. It makes sense, too, with her being so independent, that she wouldn’t ever bow down to these normal standards. I’m glad you haven’t changed one bit. Isn’t that the truth. I spent my time here, and in LA - I haven’t been back home in a year, but… you can’t quite go anywhere, anyway, right? Of course I am, what do you take me for?

Why would I change? So far being me has not been a bad thing and anyway, why would I want to be someone else. Be WITH someone else, well, now that’s a different story. Cheers for the fun night, by the way. Will I see you at the wedding later? I am trying to figure out if I am in a tight little black number mood or if I should go for a pantsuit.

I mean, with all the snow around, you could be pretending it’s right around Christmas time? I sure wouldn’t mind all the Christmas decorations. But tell me, how have you been? It’s good to see you back around!

Don’t think people would be confused if I ran around in a rad coat, wanting them to sit on my lap? I heard it’s frowned upon whenever it isn’t december. How have you been, firecracker? You look amazing, you know that? And I’m good, cheers mate. Work and hiding out at my moms. Australia is just a better place to be in terms of covid.

You totally missed your window here, girlie. But it’s still nice to see you back home. What have you been up to?

Ah, well, at least the bugger comes around like once a year so me and my lap will catch you in about 11 months. Good to see your ugly mug, too, superstar. What have YOU been up to? Because all I’ve been doing is working or hanging out at my mom’s place and eating too many chickpea samosas. 

I love my dad, I do, but there’s really only so many languages I can tell him in, “I will never own a dog again, please stop sending me puppy pictures and breeder contacts”.

Aw, man, come on. What’s with the puppy hate? Puppers are life itself, I’m not even kidding. Look at this cute fucker right here ... also hi, I’m Ruby. 

Seriously, woman, where did you run off to? And why wasn’t I alerted to you being back? 

MATE! I am the best surprise you could ever wish to have! Come here and give me a proper damn hug, you arsehole. I was your Christmas and New Years and did you survive the party? Because I’m not sure I did ...

Tom already scolded me for how I popped the question so I really would’ve needed your advice, damn it. But you’re actually shocked? Didn’t know that would happen, but ha, now I’m almost proud. But look at you, disappearing and then showing up just in time for a party. I did promise Em to dance with her, but I hope I can get you to join in on the fun? Ah, I did. I did miss ya.

Sounds like Tom has at least a somewhat smart head on his shoulders. Though, uh, let’s be real for a second, I am not sure I would have come up with a better idea. I might have involved bungee jumping, actually. I’m just shocked it happened now and not, you know, while it ... I don’t know. I think people marrying is just always a shock to me. So, hangover still going strong of did you shake it off by now?

Darling! You made it just in time! Awww, you flatter me. Come here, I haven’t seen you in ages. Missed you, too. Let’s get roaring drunk, shall we? What are engagement parties for, if not that?

Well, that’s just me. A Ruby is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to ... and needs to. I haven’t seen you, either, pretty much the shittiest downside to being elsewhere. Roaring drunk? Gems, you’re not trying to take advantage of me here, are you?