Others are Others I am Myself

It’s been a year since I left the country to go do the internship. A lot of things have changed but a lot stayed the same.

Everything is a bit different but I’m doing by best to adjust.  right now that’s more than enough for me.

being back is a bit difficult.

coming back, It’s like i’m a whole different person from the one who left the country so long ago.

i just hope that in this “new world” I still find a place for me.

I know that my blog hasn’t been updated in the longest time but in a way I guess I owe it to myself to start writing again.

Not for anyone’s sake but for my own.

I figured long ago that writing pr typing them all down give my psyche an inner clarity and understanding as to what exactly am I supposed to do.

but one thing for sure 

A lot has changed but 

Me : can I go now Met ?

It sucks you know that I have to adjust to you and how you want it when it comes to love and romantic shizz It sucks that you show me you love me in the wee hours of the morning and pretend for the rest of the day that it never happened.

It hurts that all I want from you when we get home is a hug. A real fucking hug. You know the type where we both wrap our around a each other.

Not the one sided things I get. One sided hug One sided kiss

Fuck it.

I just want you to tell me that you really love me. And yes it’s annoying because all I want is to hear it from you straight from you. Not the kind where I say that you say it after. I just want no! need to hear it from you

Sometimes it sucks cuz you pay more attention to your computer and phone that you do to me.

I don’t ask for much I just ask for a hug when I get home to you.

Or even a sign that you want me here.

You tell me that I should not let you lead but the truth is I wait for you.

I want us to be on the same page. I don’t want to seem as if I’m so damn aggressive…

And worst of all you hurt Piggles

I’m sad and I wanna cry

I’m emotional and my emotions control me. there is not in between with me

Never was and never will be

I’m not pretty nor cute. I’m lazy and loud

I’m as is What you see is what you get

I’m sorry I’m not the girl you seemed to have wanted but you got me instead.

me : Is this what love is ?

*my mom talking about her kids having boyfriends and such*

me : actually that’s why I didn't want to have a boyfriend  mom : kasi akala mo lahat ganon ?

they say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

the thing is when I was younger, I saw how love can break someone of not only their heart but also of their self.

when i was younger i realized that infidelity was a reality can truly destroy a lot of things.

and lastly (I thought) i realized that the only way to spare one’s self from the hurt and the pain is to simply spare thyself from all forms of romantic love and attachments.

but the thing is that what we thought we knew can always be changed.

and it did.

its been a long time since I gave my chance to write, blog and just let it go. Even if its just for a moment, i guess I owe myself this.

For anyone who has known me, they know for a fact that;

1) i am a believer of “singularity”. - that the greatest way to avaoid being hurt is by being single

2) i am a strong minded Feminist. - I fight for equality and the belief that i don’t need a man to complete me

3) I curse like there is no tomorrow. - I let the words go rather than leave then inside and make them boil.

4) I don’t do well with big changes. - but i am willing to change for the better... always

5) I have the heart of a child. - which is why i get hurt easy

having those 5 truths in mind. let’s do this!

the craziest thing happened in my life. A few months ago,someone actually told me that he loves me well enough to ask if we could be together. And the truth is i love being with him.

It was all rainbows and butterflies till my inner demons wrecked me.

I started to worry. My thoughts were first following me till they gained momentum and now they’re chasing me. Honestly, it’s a constant game of hide and seek, marco polo, and (WORST) tag.

For years I have been fighting those demons. Years ago they used to win, but now they don’t. Not Anymore. But the things is fighting those demons leave scars and not being able to treat them causes infections and festering wounds that hide themselves in plain sight. They hide with mask of being a “new ideology” or a “new revelation” about life. 

The most painful truth is that the past hurt me a lot and in order to accept things and move forward, i have accepted the fact that i won’t love like that ever again. I won’t trust someone that way for to be at my most vulnerable. 

I promised i won’t fall

but the thing is I did .

and I don’t regret it.

not for one bit.

I’m currently 21 years of age. and I can say i’m happy to have reached this age. I have been able to do things I never thought I could’ve done. I was able to go to a different country on my own. I was able to be out there and teach. I made people laugh and smile. I brightened someone’s dark day. I saw my favorite Princesses in the flesh. I was able to see the movie i never though would happen. 

i survive the dark days of my life.

I Lived.

lastly...

I never thought I’d be worthy of love. Of actual love from someone who isn’t related to me.

can i just say it :

with all the broken pieces and scarred parts of who I am.

he actually loves me.

he loves me for who i really am.