future bf: you're beautiful.
me: thank-you!
me: [later that night] btw, about you saying that i'm beautiful earlier...how come you said it when i was dressed up and had make-up on? like, i know you think it otherwise but would you honestly have said it if we weren't together and you weren't viewing me through the gaze of someone who knows there are other guaranteed benefits to this relationship for you? why did you say that instead of complimenting me on something else? why does it matter enough for comment? i know you were expressing a genuine thought in a moment of kindness but it was aimed at a version of myself i can't always be, and for all i know it was aimed at features that fit certain conventions more. what if there's a threshold there? why does it matter? would you care if i deliberately stopped trying to look attractive? is that an unfair expectation because attraction is a normal part of our particular relationship? isn't it unfair for me to just accept and not try to broaden or reevaluate what we consider attractive? do i even want to be considered attractive at any given moment and exist in that space? did you consider that?
future bf: this is why i don't exist
