begin anywhere

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

I. Do not text him. He lied when you said the two of you could stay friends, don’t act so surprised. And if you do text him, absolutely do not tell him that you miss him because you don’t, not really. He would not have torn your heart apart like this when you first met, the boy you miss no longer exists. II. Follow his damn Instagram, you can’t avoid his memory forever. And when he posts a picture of him, saying he loves him more than anything he’s ever loved before, stare until that tree-branch feeling in your gut turns to ash and gets swept away. III. Stand in front of the mirror, look in your own eyes and think his name. Think about how it tasted at 2:36 in the morning, think about when you said it and he would come running. When the thoughts don’t turn your stomach inside out, say it out loud. You need to learn how to hear it and not flinch. IV. Please remember that your body is made up of 37 trillion cells, but some people say it’s only 15 trillion. He didn’t know any better. He could not have possibly known any better. Find someone who cares enough to remind you to take your pills. V. You will laugh and it will hurt. this is good. Keep laughing, keep hurting. I want you to cry until they mistake the rivers flowing from beneath your bedroom door for the bottom of the ocean. Sink your feet in the sand, baby, because that’s the only way you will be able to push yourself back up. VI. Read a book that reminds you of everything you ever loved about him. Then read a book and fall in love with someone who is completely the opposite. Sweetheart, all you need is some perspective. VII. Kiss other boys, but do not kiss them all. Do not lose respect for your body because he decided to leave it out in the cold. You are still so special. Do not let them take that from you because he was too stupid to let you down easy. You can dream about breaking their hearts but don’t actually do it because that won’t break his. VIII. Grind your teeth and get the hell out of bed. This is not a war, this is your life. You’re not a hero, you’re not a victim, and neither is he. So stop believing that you need to be saved because in case you haven’t noticed your head is above water. That’s all that counts. Being above water.

Just because I didn’t beg for you doesn’t mean I didn’t want you to stay.