clover

Waking up the following morning, you were confused as to where you were for a moment before it all came back to you. You smiled ear to ear remembering how the two of you had fallen asleep cuddled up together, the steady beat of his heart against your ribcage, his scent that was so unmistakably him, his warm breath caressing your neck, his strong arms around you- you’d been lulled to sleep in no time. You slowly turned to see if Harry was still asleep, because judging by the dim sunlight peeking through the curtains you could tell it was still quite early. 

Your smile faded along with the realisation that you were alone in bed. You pricked your ears up to listen for any signs of his presence, but since it was a studio apartment, it was all open space save for the kitchen and bathroom, and as you turned your head in the opposite direction you saw the door ajar to both those rooms, the lights out- and no sign of Harry.

You sat up in bed, panic taking over. Where had he gone? You had no WiFi, no service, no way of contacting him. How could he have left? You got out of bed and inspected the small space just to be sure, feeling almost silly to call out for him. He clearly wasn’t there. It was only when you returned to bed with a huff that you saw there was a note on his pillow and you stumbled backwards as if the sheets were on fire.

No.

No, no. This couldn’t be happening. No.

You started hyperventilating and you felt nauseous. You couldn’t even let your mind go there, you refused to let it go there. Surely he hadn’t… no. He wouldn’t have. NO. 

Chest heaving, as if reliving the cruelest déjà vu, you picked the note up with a shaky hand, you willed it to still and blinked your eyes a few times to clear them of the tears that had already started brimming your lashes… and you forced yourself to read it.

Couldn’t sleep and got very restless, went for an early morning jog. 

The door locks itself, and you don’t need a key to open it from the inside, just a heads up in case you need to step out for any reason. 

Will bring us some breakfast on the way back. 

:)

You whimpered audibly, crumpled the piece of paper and threw it harshly into the furthest corner of the room. Damn this man for almost giving you a heart attack. You were still shaking uncontrollably and realised you were going to be sick. You scurried to the bathroom, not even bothering turning the lights on as there was no window, and made it just in time to the toilet to empty your stomach violently.

You were heaving and waiting for the second wave to hit you but when you felt two hands gently gathering your hair away from your face you yelped, flinching away “Shhh, it’s alright sweetheart, you’re alright. Breathe for me”

When your mind registered it was Harry that had come back you tried to compose yourself, but just as you’d anticipated, the second wave hit you and you bent over the toilet bowl once more, feeling like you were puking all your intestines out. You immediately flushed the toilet, almost as if to force your body to snap out of it, and you grabbed some toilet paper to wipe your mouth with hastily before scurrying to the sink, almost pushing Harry off of you in the process. You bent your head to rinse your mouth directly from the tap, and saw Harry grab your toothbrush and put a dollop of toothpaste on it, handing it over to you, and as soon as you took it, he gathered your hair back again. You refused to straighten your spine and look into the mirror, even with it being semi dark, the only light source the one coming from outside the bathroom. But you didn’t want to face him. Your feelings were all over the place, not to mention you were mortified for him to see you like that after so long apart. He’d never seen you vomit before, this was the last thing you wanted him to see now that you were trying to reconnect.

Just another reason for him to be distant.

You brushed your teeth vigorously, your mind running with all this, and then rinsed your mouth clean again. You side stepped towards the shower, adjusting the water temperature and letting it run as to warm up the otherwise cold bathroom and mumbled “I need to wash my hair” without turning to see him

“Are you alright?” he asked, after a moment’s hesitation

You nodded “I’ll be quick. Don’t think I can eat though. Please don’t make me”

“I’d never— I… of course not. Take your time” he kissed the top of your head from behind and you never turned to look at him, but he turned on the lights and then softly closed the door behind him, leaving you alone. You stripped and stepped into the shower where you allowed yourself to cry tears of frustration over how you’d over reacted to the point of making yourself feel sick. But also tears of relief. And you didn’t know which reason was worse and more worrisome.

When you finally emerged from the bathroom, you didn’t want to put your sleep clothes back on, not to mention you’d just been sick in them, and just wore his longer towel around yourself, your own sitting atop your head wrapped as a turban. Harry tentatively sat up from the edge of the bed where he’d seemingly been waiting for you, and extended his arms “C’mere” he murmured and you took the few steps towards him before he wrapped them around you “Are you alright? What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Nothing” you mumbled against his chest “Maybe it’s the jetlag, maybe that sandwich I had at the airport” you shrugged, hoping you sounded convincing enough “How was your jog?”

“Good. Are you sure you’re alright?”

You breathed out a quiet laugh “Yes, I’m sure. Please… just, can we forget all about it? Hate that you had to see me like that” you mumbled against his chest and he pulled back a bit, tilting your chin to face him 

“What’s that mean?”

“Just… you know. Exactly what I said. Wish you hadn’t seen me puke my guts out like that. Especially on our first day here… How’s that for a memory”

Harry scoffed “Where’s that coming from? Sweetheart… come on. It’s me” he furrowed his eyebrows, searching your eyes “You don’t really think I care about that, do you?”

You tried to smile genuinely “Of course not… I’m just being silly” you shook your head and pulled away, kneeling over your suitcase and rummaging through it to find something to wear. You finally decided on a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt, you picked some lingerie too, and hugging them to your chest scurried back into the bathroom, closing the door behind you for privacy, all the while feeling Harry’s eyes on you.

You were painfully aware that this was so out of character for you, that your dynamic was so different. Harry had changed right in front of you just before going to bed, after you’d teased him about the very same thing, and yet you couldn’t get yourself to practise what you preached.

You emerged from the bathroom and found Harry looking pensively out the window this time. You cleared your throat slightly “So. Where to?”

He turned around “You’re ready to go?”

You rocked back and forth on your heels “Yeah. Ready” he looked a bit taken by surprise and you creased your brows “Why?”

“You just… never got ready that fast before, I guess. Not that I’m complaining” he gave you a playful smile but your heart sank. What did he really mean by that? 

“Yeah, I… I mean, I used to do a lil bit of makeup, maybe do something with my hair but — I mean, I kinda… stopped doing that a while ago. I’ll just let it air dry… and I don’t really have makeup anymore? I think I have some mascara somewhere, lemme see” you went back into the bathroom to check your toiletries bag, you really didn’t have much in there save for some old stuff that was surely expired, but you rummaged through it in search for that mascara you knew for certain you’d gotten a couple months back. Oh, and you had some concealer too, from when your second to last boss had told you to wear some as to not “scare the customers away” with your dark circles. Prick.

Harry followed after a beat and looked at you applying your mascara in the mirror “... I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t need to do anything if you don’t want to. You never did. You know I think you’re perfect just the way you are”

You looked at him through the reflection in the mirror giving him a pointed look “Ok, Bruno Mars”

He frowned, and you could tell he wanted to say more but he refrained from doing so. You dabbed some concealer on for good measure, and even risked some cream blush hoping it wouldn’t break you out, blending it out with your fingers, then washed your hands and turned back to exit the bathroom but Harry was leaning against the doorframe looking at you intently, still “Ok. Now I’m ready”

When he wouldn’t step aside you looked at him funny and he lowered his eyes to your lips and then bent towards you and you pulled back on instinct. You immediately regretted it, seeing the deflated look on his face “I… I just threw up” you stammered 

He nodded briefly, averting your eyes “...’m sorry”

“Don’t be. I… I just feel a bit gross. I’ll get over it. Maybe work up an appetite after taking some fresh air” you smiled reassuringly when he finally met your gaze and he pursed his lips together, nodding again. You slipped your shoes on and grabbed your tote and a cardigan, not quite sure what kind of weather to expect outside, and you were both out the door.

You agreed to just roam around aimlessly for a while until you felt you wanted to stop for breakfast. You insisted he should grab a bite to eat and not wait for you, but he was adamant he was fine with waiting. You were right to bring a cardigan. It was still quite chilly outside, despite Harry only wearing his gym shorts and a hoodie. You barely saw him wear anything else nowadays. Wondered if it was the same kind of change like the one you’d gone through with putting on makeup and doing your hair. You just couldn’t be bothered for 17 months, and you’d grown accustomed to skipping it entirely. Mainly because fixing tear smudges was a pain in the ass. You used to enjoy it, before. Who knows, maybe you’d feel like picking it up again now that things were falling into place in your life finally. Maybe Harry had felt the same way when it came to the way he dressed. He used to always dress impeccably. Not to say that he was dressed to the nines, far from it, but just the way he would mix and match his clothes was so refreshing, almost quirky, in a way. You loved the way he styled his outfits. Now he seemed to just wear clothes to cover up. Most of the time the articles weren’t even colour coordinated, something you never dreamed Harry would be ok with, given his penchant for design and all that. Also, all of his hoodies were quite baggy, even the t-shirts, and you wondered why he didn’t wear anything more fitted anymore. Part of you wondered if these were just the more casual clothes he used to have before and you’d just never seen, maybe the stuff he’d wear going to the gym, and something told you he was maybe a bit conscious of how lean he was now in comparison. He’d lost quite a bit of his bulk, and even though he was still definitely toned, he wasn’t as beefy and he’d clearly not been working out anymore for a long while. You realised the same could be said for you. You’d lost quite a bit of weight this whole time, having lost the curves he’d so adored. You never wore anything figure flattering nowadays, everything was just practical clothing, and you usually wore layers now. You hadn’t even been aware of why you were doing it before you figured this must be the reason why Harry was. 

You were lost in thought about all this for a long while, the both of you walking in comfortable silence along the streets of London. It was truly beautiful, and you were kicking yourself for not being more present, taking it in more and appreciating the moment fully. Just literal days ago you could have only dreamt to share a moment like this with Harry again. Every moment felt special. Every moment felt like you’d been waiting for it to happen for ages. You felt ungrateful. You needed to do better. You needed to show him how much you appreciated being with him doing the most mundane of things again. 

Harry bought a newspaper from a kiosk and after you entered a park, you saw people just casually laying on the still green grass, and you two decided to follow suit. You watched him turn the pages, his frown line prominent as he looked for the real estate section “I got an agent that’s gonna show us a few places today, someone that’s been recommended to me. But never hurts to see what the market looks like beforehand”

You hummed in approval “Can I look at the job listings? I don’t exactly have any data on my phone yet, I bet there are better offers online, but doesn’t hurt to look” 

“Job listings?”

“Yeah”

He cleared his throat “I just thought you’d want to settle in more before you began considering what you’d like to do”

You frowned “What do you mean?”

“I just mean… you don’t have to jump into things” he shrugged “I know you overworked yourself all this time and… I just want you to not have to worry about that right away”

You looked at him for a long moment “What are you saying exactly?”

Harry let out a nervous laughter “What do you mean? Just that. I want you to not have to worry about working”

“And what? Just sit around all day, take my sweet time? And in the meantime, what, live off of you?”

“If you want”

“If I want? Sounds like you’ve thought about this. Maybe it’s more something you want. When did I ever say I didn’t want to work? When did I ever say I wanted you to support us all by yourself? What am I now, your sugar baby?”

You hadn’t realised how your voice pitched until you’d finished rambling and saw a few heads turn away from you when you scanned the area around yourself a bit 

“Where’s all that coming from?” he finally asked, his voice serious yet calm

You sighed heavily, resting your forehead in your palms, your elbows on your bent knees “I don’t know. I don’t know why I snapped like that”

“I never implied any of that…”

“I know” you shook your head “I know. I’m sorry, I just… I’m on edge today. I’m sorry”

Harry grabbed one of your hands gently and intertwined your fingers “Talk to me?”

You kept your eyes on your conjoined hands “I just… I spent all of my savings on that plane ride. I don’t have a dollar to my name, let alone a pound. I don’t even have money to buy makeup wipes to take this off tonight” you pointed towards your face with a nervous laughter and Harry squeezed your hand

“Sweetheart, —”

“I just... I hate this. I hate that you have to pay for everything and I have to depend on you financially for a while. I’m gonna pay you back for the plane here, and half the rent, and everything- I just. I need to get a job right away. And I’m worried because I’ve been waitressing and not working in my field, so I know there’s going to be some raised eyebrows —”

“Y’N?”

“I won’t be picky though. I’ll do some odd jobs till I find something better, but I really gotta —”

“Y/N! Sweetheart, slow down” he scooted closer and put his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side “That’s exactly why I said what I said. I don’t want you feeling like this. I don’t want you feeling like you have to rush into anything. You can take your time, find something you’d genuinely like doing. You don’t have to worry about this. I’m here, and I’m never letting you work yourself to exertion ever again. I don’t care how that sounds. You’re not my sugarbaby, and you know it, I know it. You’re my partner. And I’m the one who sold his house and had this whole move planned before you came back into the picture, I’m the one who asked you to drop everything and come with me. I’m the one who put you in this situation, and I’m the one who’s taking care of you, now and always. You never have to feel like you’re on your own ever again, Y/N. Because you’re not, you never will be, not if I have a say in it”

The last phrase and its meaning wasn’t lost on you. Harry was very careful picking his words, and what he’d told you was loud and clear.

“And I meant it. If you feel like you wanna take some time to figure it out, just know that you can. I know you want to work, I know you want to have your independence, I’d never dream of taking that away from you. I’m not saying all this to make you feel like you’d be financially dependent on me, I know you could never be happy with that, although I’d be fine with it. I’d be more than happy to provide for both of us and have you just keep your money to do whatever you see fit with it. I’d not want you chipping in on anything. But I know you, and how stubborn you are, and how that would make you feel like you’re dependent on me or that I’m buying you off in some twisted way, and I don’t want that. I don’t want you ever feeling like that, feeling like you have to stay with me, for any reason”

“Harry, that’s not —”

“I’m not telling you what to do, I just want you to do what makes you happy. And I know the job you had back… then, wasn’t making you happy either. Maybe you haven’t found what you’re passionate about yet. You never had a chance to explore that. I want you to take your time and figure out what you really want to be doing. I want you to have what I have with my job, something that excites you and you love doing… and, fuck. This is a much heavier conversation that I intended for us to have in a park, before we even had any breakfast, but I need to say this…”

“Tell me. I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re talking to me”

Harry looked down at you, deep into your eyes and you just longingly stared at each other for a while until he continued “I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t leave. You’re not trapped here with me, Y/N. You don’t owe staying with me no matter what. If you’re not happy, I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to stay. I don’t ever want you to think about… how it can get for me, and have it be the only reason you’re staying. I don’t want that. I swear to you”

“Harry —”

“Let me get this out” he sighed “If you ever feel like you can’t be with me, I want you to leave. Promise me. No matter how many times I beg you not to leave me, at my weakest moments, no matter how much I mean it and no matter how much it’d kill me all over again, I want you to leave if you don’t want to be with me. I don’t want you staying with me out of pity, or guilt, or anything else other than love. Please promise me that”

“I-I… Harry, don’t say that…”

“Promise me, Y/N” he squeezed your shoulder intently, pulling you further into his side “All I’m asking is that you tell me. If you ever want to leave, just tell me. I promise I won’t stand in your way. I swear to you. No matter what your reason is, if you want to go, I’ll let you go. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to run away ever again. You can go, and not have to hide and worry about me pursuing you if you don’t want me to. Just tell me. And I’ll respect your decision. That, and don’t take any decisions for me. If you leave, let it be a decision you take for yourself”

You gulped, and nodded reluctantly 

“Say it, say it outloud”

“I promise”

He nodded solemnly “Ok. Good. And just so you know that I mean it, I opened up a bank account here, and we’ll get your own credit card too. And I’ll make a deposit in your name, and that’ll be your safety net. And before you object- here’s how I thought we could go about it so that it would seem fair to you. Do you still have your car keys?”

“I — yeah. I still got them”

“Good. I’ll ship them back home, have someone take care of it. He’ll get a good deal for it. Can’t be worth more than 6 grand, but it’ll be enough for you to feel like you can land on your own feet should you ever need to. It’ll be your own money, fair and square. I’m just paying you for it upfront, through that deposit. If he gets a better deal, I’ll top it off”

You blinked at him, taking it all in. He’d really thought about all this long and hard. It was astonishing to you how thoughtful he was about your situation, and how willing he was to make you feel like you still had your independence, and you still had a choice to leave should you ever want to. You hadn’t even really thought about all this yourself. But now that he’d said it, you felt as though a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, one you hadn’t even been aware you were carrying. 

“You have to promise too”

Harry shook his head and looked away

“You have to. It’s not fair. I don’t want you feeling that just because you brought me here you’re stuck with me. I don’t want you feeling like just because I fucked up you have to spend all your life paying for my mistakes”

“I don’t have to, because I’ll never feel like that. I know exactly how I feel, always have. It hasn’t changed all this time, and I really wanted for it to change. But it didn’t. So I know, it never will” his voice was very solemn saying all this even though he was averting his gaze

“Harry, that’s… I have no words. And I love you for it all the more. But you know that’s not how this works. I can say the same. I feel the same. But I promised, because I recognized how important it was for you that I do. Now please promise me back. You’ll leave if it comes to it. Promise me”

Harry searched your eyes and meant to say something but refrained from doing so a couple times before sighing and resting his forehead against yours “I can’t. I can’t”

“Why? Why does it matter- if you know it’ll never come to it, then what does it matter? You’ll never have to go through with it if it never happens”

You could see Harry’s lips turn up in a smirk and you pulled away with a raised eyebrow and a smirk of your own “Suppose you do have a point there”

You shrugged playfully, trying to ease up the tension that’d been building up “Say it then”

Harry nodded, and after a beat, squeezing your hand that he was still holding said “I promise. I’ll only stay with you for the right reason. And that’s because I love you. I always will, but I want you to know that’s the reason and never doubt it. That’s why I’m promising”

“Same here” you squeezed his hand back. You then leaned in tentatively and watched as his gaze descended to your lips knowingly. He brought his other hand to your cheek and cradled your face tenderly as he pressed his lips to yours. It was the first time he’d kissed you since that night at the motel, and you realised just how important this promise you’d made to one another was. Maybe the most important one of all.

A/N: fdjfdfdjfdlsjf ughhhhh i so didn't wanna end it there but i knew that was the right ending for this chapter! if y'all move fast enough reblogging and showing this chapter some louuuve i'll have the next one up in no time 💞 excited to have my babies open up more and more to eachother! 🥺🥺 CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON IT!!!

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