siempre mi corazón

Hey corazón, so I realized you probably don’t check this because I blocked you on Snapchat which means our messaging thread is gone = no link to this blog. That’s ok though, I think I’ll wait a while before I remind you about it. Anyways, we talked for a little bit after class today. And first off, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for staying to talk, for listening, for talking too, for the hugs (god I’ve missed your hugs...), for the comfort as a friend. I needed that. Though my heart feels a little sad now @7:54pm while I write this, I’m happy thinking of how our short catch up went. I’ve missed you SO fucking much. I miss talking. I miss your comfort and friendship. I miss your love most of all, though I’ll never get that back; I’m slowly trying to move past that.. because i do still love you. Even after everything, I still want it to be you. But I know we can only be friends now. So I’m going to do my best to be a great friend to you again, and hopefully best friend again (aiming high at that one).

So, I just wanted to write about how happy our conversations made me. It was nice. Hearing some things you said did upset me but that’s because I’m jealous of everyone who gets to appreciate and love you how I did & beyond. I’m glad you’re doing better this time around, love. It makes me happy to know that YOU are HAPPY baby. I wish I were the reason again but I’m not and i won’t ever be and I’m crying thinking about it all over again. I’m so sorry i hurt you and for everything I’ve said and done that led to this messy drama filled hateful breakup. I think about every situation that’s happened throughout this whole year that I could’ve reacted or said or did something completely different. I know things would be so different if I knew what I know now, if I were more trusting, if I were more understanding and WAY LESS insecure. Now I’m not gonna get all into that again, but I just want you to know that when I say I realized a lot, I really have REALIZED SO MUCH. I wish I could change how I was to multiple situations and I know now I had other options but I chose the things I chose and i kept fucking us up. I’m so sorry. I hope one day you’ll forgive me for not being aware of how my actions affected you, our relationship & myself. I understand my toxic behaviors, I’m working on them too. Little by little. I’ll tell you all about my progress someday. I hope you’ll be proud of it too. Speaking of proud, I’m hella proud of you for doing so well. You got that promotion to team lead and I’m excited for your new adventure!! You’re getting your house soon, and that will always sting a bit when you bring it up (Bc I wanted to be a part of that) but it’s exciting news nonetheless. You’re young and thriving baby. You’re on the come up, just quit dressing like a slut all the time DAMN -__- COVER UP U FINE ASS MF. lol. ily. Don’t forget to send me my personal tattoo pics/vids :P

Corazón, I can’t explaining how much I’ve missed you and wanted to hug/squeeze you tight and never let go.. it hurts to let go every time still. And I can’t expect it to not hurt anytime soon, but eventually our goodbyes won’t hurt as much. I’ve been thinking about our convos since we left campus, I’m happy knowing you still want me to be a part of your life. Also that you’re putting up some of our pictures eventually. I hope we hangout Saturday, it got me even more excited than I am for Tori’s party Friday lol.

~~ Im basically talking to myself I know, who knows how long it’ll be before you read this or IF you ever do. But it helps me to let my thoughts and feelings out and know that I gave you the opportunity to check this blog out (if you wanted to). ~~

Now its 8:30 and I feel like I’ve been typing for hours & I want to. But I’ll stop for right now. I love you corazón, forever and always. I hope we can be friends again at least.