Anxceit Week 2023

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…" he kept saying over and over again. "What the fuck was I thinking?"

Janus knew he should just disappear and forget what he saw, Virgil made his feelings towards him more than clear… not that Janus can blame him…

But… for some reason… he couldn't find it in him… Dammit he still cares about the traitor… despite everything.

"What are you doing here?"

The hate dripping from Virgil's words should be familiar to him by now, but they always feel like a punch to his gut, no matter how used to it he was getting.

Janus opened his mouth to answer when…

"Know what? I don't care, just get out, you shouldn't even be here. I can't… I can't deal with you right now."

And there it was again, that shake in his voice. He knew Virgil well enough to know that something was wrong.

He finally looked up to find Virgil frowning at him, "you're weirdly quiet…" he pointed out.

Sometimes… Janus forgets that Virgil knows him well enough too… or tries to forget anyway.

"What happened?" Janus finally managed to ask, raising a curious eyebrow at him.

Virgil huffed, "right, like you care… Why are you still here?"

Janus managed a smirk, "why do you think?"

But Virgil didn't rise to the bait, he just let out a long, tired sigh. "I don't have time for your stupid games…"

Janus shrugged, "not a game, you still didn't answer my question."

"That's because it's none of your business." Virgil shot back.

"I'm not leaving until you answer." Janus put his wine on the counter and crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Virgil expectantly.

"I can just go to my room." Virgil pointed out.

"Then why are you still here?" Janus used Virgil's earlier question.

"Because you're obviously up to something, so I'm not letting you out of my sight until you leave." He shot back with a glare.

Janus tutted, "you always were a terrible liar, honestly, Virgil." He rolled his eyes, "who do you think you're fooling? Certainly not me."

Virgil turned back to his anxious pacing, "I really can't deal with you right now…"

"Why?" Janus tried again, "is something… Wrong?" He paused for a bit before finishing to put emphasis on the last word. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Of course not." Virgil snapped, turning back to glare at Janus.

"Right… of course, nothing's ever wrong in Rainbows and Sunshine land." Janus rolled his eyes again.

"No…" Virgil agreed despite the obvious sarcasm, "the problem's always me…" he added quietly.

Ah, now they're getting somewhere.

"What do you mean?" Janus asked carefully and Virgil flushed when he realized he said it out loud.

"Nothing, forget it." He said quickly, too quickly.

It was Janus' turn to sigh, if he wanted Virgil to open up… he's gonna have to do the same.

"Fine, I'll admit it…" Janus took off his gloves, shivering from how exposed he felt without them, "I'm worried about you." He admitted when his hands were bare.

Virgil paused to stare at him for what felt like hours, before turning away. “Wow… just… wow..”

Janus frowned, putting back his gloves, “I’m telling the tru-”

“Are you?” Virgil cut him off sharply, “are you seriously telling me that after everything…” he flailed his arms, “you’re worried about me?”

“Yes.” Janus said simply, “don’t you feel the same about me?”

Virgil snorted, “of course not!”

Janus examined his hands, “still a terrible liar…”

Virgil returned to his pacing, “whatever, it’s still none of your business and our days of having heart-to-hearts are over, so piss off before I make you.”

Janus rolled his eyes, “woo I’m so scared… if you want me to leave just answer my question.” He repeated.

Virgil threw his arms in frustration, “same thing that always happens, okay?! I messed up and made everything worse. There, happy? Now scram.” There were tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Janus didn’t say anything, but he didn’t leave either. He just watched as Virgil sat on the armrest of the couch, curling into a ball by hugging his knees to his chest and burying his head between them.

It’s not often that Janus doesn’t have anything to say, but in this moment, Janus could only stare.

Then, he was standing behind Virgil, not knowing when he even started moving towards him.

But, he hugged him from behind and whispered softly, “from my experience… you only make things better…” before finally disappearing.

And you can be sure he was not crying when he appeared back in his room, not even noticing he left his wine behind… it was just… dust in his eyes, he didn’t clean his room in ages.

Our days of having heart-to-hearts are over…

Janus looked over his yellow couch, remembering all those times where he and Virgil would just… talk, about anything that came to mind… talks that lasted for hours without either of them noticing.

But Virgil was right, those days are long gone, and Janus has no one to blame but himself.

“Jan! Hi!” Amilia, an older woman that had worked there for ages, greeted. “And looking so handsome as well. You’re going to get all the ladies talking about you again.”

“I can’t help it that I have the best fashion sense in this town,” Janus winked and Amilia laughed, leading them to an empty table.

“Be right with you two.” She hurried away.

“It’s still weird to me how you know everyone no matter where you go.” Virgil shook his head, looking after her.

“You’ll get used to it. I’m sure, soon enough you’ll get to know most of them, too. The only reason they haven’t talked your ear off is because you seem like you’d have a heart attack if they looked at you for too long.”

“Stop messing with me.”

“I’m not!”

Virgil looked at Janus with a raised brow and he held up his hands in defense.

“Okay, maybe I’m wording it in a way to tease you, but essentially it’s true. You’re a very obvious introvert and they don’t want to scare you off. So they focus their attention on me to give you a chance to get used to things.”

“You country folk are weird.” Despite Virgil’s words, Janus could see him trying to hide a smile.

“Then tell me more about what ‘city folk’ are like.” Janus actually mimed quotation marks and Virgil couldn’t help but laugh.

From there their conversation flowed easily. They swapped stories about their childhoods, discussed their favorite movies, discovered that they had the same favorite author and so on. The food was also delicious, and Janus was very comfortable. He did notice however, that Virgil got more tense as the evening continued, so he declined Amilia’s offer of the dessert menu and instead asked for the check.

Virgil insisted on paying, in part as a thank you for Janus helping him with his leg. Janus let him with the condition that he could cook for him next time.

As they stepped out of the diner – which had gotten a bit crowded over time – Janus watched Virgil’s shoulders relax.

“Was it too much in there?” he asked as they walked down the street. Their homes were in the same direction and a comfortable walking distance away.

“Of course you noticed,” Virgil sighed but there was a fondness in his voice. “Yeah, but I’ve always been more comfortable outdoors than inside. I’m also a bit claustrophobic. Since the whole wolf thing it’s become almost an urge to go outside sometimes. The familiar I am with a space, the better it is though.”

“Well then, I will make sure to consider that for any future dates.” Janus winked at Virgil whose cheeks turned red again.

~*~

True to his word, Janus invited Virgil to his home for their next date.

“Welcome, Virgil dear,” he greeted him at the door. “I’m still in the middle of preparing the food. I hope you won’t mind joining me in the kitchen.”

“Not at all. Nice apron.” Virgil took off his boots as Janus already hurried back to the stove.

“Thank you! It was a gift from my grandmother.”

“I wouldn’t have guessed with the embroidered ‘Granny’s favorite.’”

“She was the kind to embarrass me on purpose,” Janus laughed.

“Well, you’re the one who chose to use it during a date,” Virgil pointed out as he entered the kitchen and looked over Janus’ shoulder. “You want any help with that? I’m not a great cook, but I’m sure I could do something useful.”

“No,” came the immediate reply.

“You didn’t have to turn me down that fast,” Virgil laughed to hide how he was slightly hurt by the quick rejection.

“Sorry.” Janus turned down a dial on the stove before turning to Virgil with a sheepish expression. “It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like cooking with others. I have my systems and can get very irritated when something’s out of place.”

“Oh. That’s kind of funny.”

“Be quiet and sit down,” Janus pouted and Virgil laughed.

~*~

“A festival?”

“Yes, the next town over. A forty-minute drive from here. They have food stalls, a small rollercoaster and a ferris wheel. I’ve been a few times, it’s a nice atmosphere. Plus, there’s a firework show at the end.” Janus held out the flyer for Virgil to take but he looked very reluctant.

“I don’t know. Sounds like a lot of people.”

Janus narrowed his eyes. “There’s more to it than that. I don’t mind not going but please be honest with me about your reasons. I don’t want to overstep any of your boundaries if I can help it.”

Virgil mumbled something under his breath. Janus put the flyer away and grabbed his hands gently.

“Louder, please? I promise I won’t think any less of you.”

“The fireworks. I don’t like fireworks. They’re loud and since my turning my hearing’s gotten better, so it’s even worse now.”

“Okay. That’s fine. We can leave early if that’s the main reason. Of course, we don’t have to go at all either.”

“No, I’d like to go. As long as we’re gone before the fireworks start.”

“Wonderful. I’ll look forward to it.”

~*~

“She really should have known better,” Janus commented, eyes fixated on the screen as they watched The Princess Diaries. Mia was just running away from the paparazzies after her kiss with Josh. “Like he was so obviously only after the publicity.”

“She’s fifteen and had a crush on him for ages, give her some slack,” Virgil snorted.

“I was smarter when I was fifteen.”

“Oh, shut up. You wanted to watch this movie. You said it’s one of your favorites.”

“It is! Doesn’t change the fact that Mia is a bit stupid in this one.”

“Like she learned anything for the second one. She’s just as bad with Nicholas.”

“True. Maybe she shouldn’t lead a country.”

They continued their back and forth throughout the rest of the movie and Virgil couldn’t help but watch Janus more than the screen.

~*~

Virgil couldn’t concentrate on his book. He and Janus were reading on the latter’s couch, enjoying the quiet afternoon. It’s been three weeks since the bear trap incident and honestly, Virgil hadn’t thought he could get so comfortable with another person so quickly.

Which made the prospect of the coming full moon all the more anxiety inducing.

Yes, Janus knew he was a werewolf. Had even already seen him in his wolf form. But it would be different this time.

This time he would know that it was him.

Virgil wasn’t worried that he would hurt him – he had the wolf fully under control – but impulse control was a lot harder, and he was wanton to do some embarrassing things.

“Virgil dear?”

Janus’ voice startled him out of his thoughts and he looked over to the other who had placed his book down and watched him with worried eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine.” His voice broke and Janus looked at him unimpressed but empathetic. (Only he could pull that look off, somehow.) “Just thinking too much,” he admitted. Janus offered him his hand and Virgil took it gratefully. Somehow just holding on to Janus calmed him down.

“It’s just that the full moon’s approaching, so I’ll need to shift at least a few hours each day to be comfortable and… I’m kind of embarrassed.”

Understanding lit up in Janus’ eyes and he smiled.

“Oh, darling, I’m sure it will only endear me to you more.”

“You don’t know that.”

“True. But from what you told me, it sounds like a fun time. I actually look forward to seeing you a bit more loose than usual. You so rarely let yourself truly relax.”

“I’m probably going to drag you with me to the woods.”

“That’s fine. I like the woods. I’ll make sure to keep a flashlight and compass on my person.”

“I’ll want to play.”

“I’d love to see that.”

“I’m gonna get cuddly.”

“Oh no, the horror!” Janus exclaimed with an eyeroll. He looked at Virgil with a teasing smile on his lips. “I promise you, dear, I’ll come into it with an open mind and not judge you for what the wolf you does. I might tease you a bit about it, but you have to cut me some slack, you’re just too adorable when you get red like that.”

Virgil buried his head in his knees to hide his flush.

“You’re being unfair.”

“Sorry, you just make it so easy and fun to do.”

“I hate you.”

“Then let go of my hand.”

“No.”

“They got to talking a lot when my dad came into the diner for meals. She asked him about where he’s been and he’d in turn ask her about the local places and legends. It naturally progressed with them starting to date and eventually getting married.” Janus paused, taking another sip of his wine.

“But that’s not all?” Virgil prompted quietly.

“Well, a lot of the rest is speculation, both of my mother’s and my own. Dad didn’t like talking about what exactly happened before he moved here or his family. But a fact is that he wasn’t heterosexual. Actually, very early on into him dating my mom he broke out into tears and told her that he never thought that he could fall in love with a woman.”

Suddenly, Virgil had a bad feeling about where this story was going.

“Mom never minded it, of course. She knew dad loved her with all his heart. But it made her question his reasons for coming here all the more. Dad never outright said it, but mom’s pretty sure he came from a rather wealthy, old-fashioned, and conservative family that kicked him out when they found out about his sexuality. He probably had a boyfriend he left behind. Or maybe they broke up, we don’t know. Mom wrote down what little information he told her and connected the pieces from there.”

After Janus finished his story, they were both quiet for a while. For a second time that evening, Virgil didn’t know how to respond.

“That really sucks,” he finally said. It startled a laugh out of Janus at least.

“Yeah. He probably would have told us at some point if the accident hadn’t happened. I do know his hometown and his former last name, so I could look some things up if I wanted to, but… so far I haven’t dared.”

“I can understand that. It’s the same with me in a way.”

Janus looked at him and cocked his head. A silent offer to continue or change the topic, either way, he wasn’t going to push, and Virgil was grateful for it.

“You’re right, I wasn’t always a werewolf. I—” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I’m an orphan, actually. I don’t know what happened to my parents, if they died or if they didn’t want me or what. Never had the courage to ask or look it up. I’ve been in the foster system for as long as I can remember. I developed an anxiety disorder very early on and that made my chances at adoption slim.”

Janus put away his glass and offered his hands to Virgil in silent support. He hesitated for a moment but took them and squeezed them gently.

“I switched between foster families every few years until I was twelve. Then I was taken in by a lesbian couple that more or less specialized in older children with neurodivergences. They didn’t do adoptions, but they were very supportive of me and the others they took in. I stayed with them until I aged out and they helped me find an apartment that I could afford. If it hadn’t been for them, I probably wouldn't have finished school. I didn’t want to go to college, so I got two shitty paying jobs and just did the best to keep myself afloat. I wasn’t really living as much as surviving.

“Then one day I was on my way home from work. It was dark and cold and I just wanted to go back as quickly as possible, so I took a few shortcuts. I didn’t live in the most secure neighborhood, so I carried a pocketknife with me, just in case. I was passing through an alley when I suddenly heard some growling. I just thought it was a dog or something and continued but then a wolf rounded the corner and barreled into me. I panicked. Managed to get my knife out and just stabbed. I hit it in the shoulder, and it wasn’t happy about it. Bit me in retaliation and I passed out.”

Janus held his hands a bit tighter, and Virgil remembered to breathe. The memory alone could still make him panic a little.

“When I woke up, I was in an apartment I didn’t know. A woman was watching over me and started fussing as soon as I moved. It took me a bit to understand what was happening, but she explained that she was the wolf that attacked me and that she hadn’t meant to. Apparently, there was a territorial dispute, and she was on the run from another pack. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and her instincts kinda took over, especially when I stabbed her. She turned me without meaning to.”

“So, that was how you became a wolf?”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah. She introduced herself as Mary Lee. She was a college student and also still a relatively new werewolf. Then she introduced me to the rest of her pack, also all students. Her boyfriend Lee was the leader of the pack and a born wolf, as well as the one who had turned Mary Lee. They were all super apologetic towards me and reassured me that they would do their best to take care of me and help me learn about my new self.” He smiled at the fond memory.

“They kept their word, and the next few years were the happiest I had so far. It felt like I finally had a family. It wasn’t perfect of course but I didn’t mind. But the thing about college is that eventually, you graduate. And that means change.

“Lee and Mary Lee had plans and places to be. New York City to be exact. The other members of the pack also went off to pursue whatever they wanted. I didn’t really have anything like that. Lee and Mary Lee offered me to come along, they both saw me as their little brother at that point. And I really considered it. I loved living with them, but I also felt like I would be intruding. Not that I wanted to tell them that, but Mary Lee knew me and got me to talk eventually.

“She again told me that I wouldn’t, that they both would love for me to be there but that she doubted that I truly wanted to come along. ‘You’re just not built for the city life and that’s okay,’ she said. And it’s true, I hate cities. Even where we lived was almost too much for me. So she told me to go and find my own path and if it ever got too hard, she and Lee would welcome me with open arms.”

“They sound like amazing people.”

“They are,” Virgil smiled sadly. “And I really miss them, but we’re keeping in touch. They promised they’d come visit me as soon as they had the time, and I was truly settled in.”

“Thank you for telling me, Virgil,” Janus said earnestly and again squeezed his hands.

“It felt good to talk about it actually,” Virgil laughed. “I was kind of avoiding thinking about how much I miss them.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.”

They looked at each other, both mourning the loss of their families but happy to find solace in each other.

“Hey, Virgil?” Janus asked quietly after a while.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

It felt like they were both still teens and not in their late twenties, but Virgil didn’t mind.

“Please.”

Their lips connected softly, and he thought, maybe he really could find a new home here.