As I said before, I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself. The amount of times I’ve contemplated killing myself is ridiculous, yet here still alive and typing bullshit about I want to kill myself. I just feel like I have no purpose here anymore nor do I want a purpose. I’ve become so lazy and bored with my life that I no longer think I’m fit to live in this world. I’m black. I’m a female. I’m poor. I’m a senior in high school going to community college. Those are my labels, but when I look at myself in mirror, I see a pretty girl who is intelligent, but honestly has no effort to actually use either one of those characteristics to my advantage. I started heavily smoking weed and it’s opened my eyes. It makes me happy. It makes me forget. If weed can make me lose my anger and clears my mind then I wonder what alcohol can do to me. I’ve never been drunk, but it’s on the list. I’ll probably try cocaine, acid, pills...maybe the harder stuff. I need an escape. I just need to exit reality and create my own where I’m genuinely happy and I don’t second guess everything that I do based on others. Whether I believe it or not I’m always shrinking myself because of others. I don’t even want to explain what that means because this post isn’t even about that. I’ve thought of ways to kill myself. I thought I could do the dramatic, hanging, but no. I’m a pussy and I’m lazy and I want it to be fast or slow without me realizing that I’m dying. I thought about classic slitting my wrist and bleeding to death on my bathroom floor, but of course I’m scared of blood and I honestly don’t to inflict pain on myself. SO the only option is overdose. I’m not afraid of taking a bunch of pills and swallowing it down with the strongest alcohol on the shelf. When I’m ready that’s what I’ll do. I want to experience a little more in my life. Maybe one of those experiences will change my mind and make me more positive. As of now, I’m 17 and counting down the day until I die.

I’ve decided to talk about my hate for people. When I was young I was very outgoing and a diva. It’s cute as a kid. See, the diva never left me. I’m still very diva-like. However, it only comes out in certain situations. I used to move around a lot. I met a lot of different people. I’ve hated them all. Now, I live in Newburgh, NY. Everyone in Newburgh is similar, but different. I like it here because of the diversity. I met a lot of great people here. I can find the good in people. It’s just it’s very hard to like people. It’s hard to not get bored of people. Additionally, I find everyone annoying and it’s hard to act friendly. I have yet to find just one person who can’t piss me off. My family, friends, aquaintances, EVERYONE pisses me off. I’d rather just see people a minimum of twice every week. That only goes for close friends. Family, of course I see them everyday and that’s probably why they annoy me the most. I break them down in my head and I find things about them that will never leave my mind. They all have tendencies that boil my blood. This is usually in families, I know. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I wish there was a place I could just run off to and be by myself. I don’t have that. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Other times I need people. I heard you can develop autism and mental illnesses from being alone all the time. Sometimes human interaction is needed. Unfortunately. I haven’t had a friend that I haven’t been a bitch to. I can’t hide how I am. EVERYONE who knows me, says “You’re a bitch” “You’re petty” “You’re mean” “You always have an attitude” “You always get angry at nothing” but honestly it’s your fault because I know I’m a nice, funny, outgoing person. I’m positive, but people make me negative. People and their dumb ass tendencies make me mean. I can’t hide it. I won’t hide my anger. Honestly, fuck people. I know how to deal with people though. I can put on a smile and chuckle when needed to get what I want and be polite. Maybe I’m just the type of person to not develop actual relationships with people. Maybe I just need to be with strangers so I don’t have form bonds or anything like that. I feel like I’m just gonna drink and smoke and travel and meet new people for a day until I die of an overdose. That would be the best option for me I think.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, this may be a question a lot of people ask themselves and they probably are a lot like myself. I believe there must have been something fucked up in the stars, planets, and moon when I was created because my behavior is ridiculous. Some of the things that I say, do, and think are unbelievable to me. I don’t know who I am. I feel like everything I do is hypocritical and nothing is genuine that comes out of my mouth. I lie about almost everything without meaning too. Maybe I do mean some of the things I say, but I never know. I don’t even know what I want in life. I’ve completely given up. I’m open to anything and maybe that’s because I’m waiting to find something that intrigues me. Most people say they don’t know what they want, but they have at least something they love more than anything. I don’t. I have interests. Mainly singing, fashion, make up. I thought about doing youtube, because I’ve always loved Youtube, but there’s so much drama and competition. I don’t like petty people and competing with people for no reason. I want to do something in my life that I love without having unnecessary people in my way. I know in life there will always be people that I won’t get along with, but I don’t get along with most people. There is no one that I’ve ever met who I genuinely would spend all my time with or I enjoy hanging out with them all the time. However, I don’t like being alone. I do like alone time, but I need people. I like to talk. I like to make people laugh and tell crazy, funny stories, but then people fuck up, open their mouths and say some dumb shit about their lives that has absolutely nothing to do with what I said. I could go on about people, but I’ll save that for another post. I really believe that I’ll never be balanced in my life. Whenever I’m happy, I find something to make me mad or sad. Whenever, I’m doing good in life, I always find something to fuck it up. I’m toxic. To myself and others. Sometimes I want to just die, but I’m a pussy. 

I have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve been on this website, but I needed to come back. This is one of the only places where I don’t have any friends or family to actually comment on what I say as if I asked for their opinion. I usually write out my feelings on facebook or on my spam account on instagram, but i still have people I know who comment and question me. I really don’t want or need that. I just need somewhere to write my feelings and not have anyone in my business. Therefore, I’m just going to start writing my public, but private diary. I hope no one ever actually reads this because the point is just say what I have to say, get my point across, and have no one question if I’m okay or not. I’m probably not, but I’ve never been to a therapist or anything like that so I won’t self-diagnose. Anyway, here’s to new beginnings...I suppose.