Tsar Nicholas III

I made a type of curry stew with brown rice the other day. It did not turn out great D:

I kind of liked who I was before the medication, and I do miss that person a lot. I DEFINITELY will NOT stop taking them, but I do hate some of the changes they’ve brought. I find it a lot harder to cry in general. I used to be a very emotional sobbing machine. Slight beautiful moments in films, books etc. would make me cry for extended periods, and I always felt really good afterwards, something similar to relief, but I don’t have the EQ to know exactly the words and emotions I’m looking for here. I would also cry a lot (not an unbearable or unsustainable amount, but more than “normal” I guess) just on my own relating to thoughts, reflections, memories or emotions I had. This would still afterwards provide a sense of relief, but to a much greater extent than when I would cry from stimuli. Both of these have been severely stunted. The only time I’ve cried from things relating to my own welfare since getting on them was when my Lexapro lost its effect on me and I had a breakdown relating to something that bothered me in my social and intimate life. When it comes to stimuli, I believe I’ve again only cried once, which was strangely enough the ending of the 2026 Wuthering Heights film adaptation ft. Margot Robbie. I’ve been dealing with permanent emotional numbness excluding negative self centred emotions like regret, sorrow and in general hurt, and more neutral to positive, yet redundant emotions like fear and general anxiety, since I was about 13. For me, because of this prolonged numbness, it was always a really nice thing to me how insanely sensitive I used to be. It kind of showed me that I’m still human, I’m still normal despite my issues and my strife, that there’s still a living being in me, even though I can’t feel much. Because mental health awareness in my country was still pretty new when I grew up, I initially thought I was a psychopath when I for the first time noticed I couldn’t feel much of anything anymore in middle school. Later on I learned this is a completely normal issue with Depression, and probably it’s also a thing perfectly (mentally) healthy people experience from time to time. That being said, now having lost this, I find it harder to deal with my issues when they occur, release my emotions into the open and just in general feel normal. I’ve recently learned this is entirely normal, that the usage of SSRI’s will/may cause even further emotional numbness. The trade off is still worth it 100% considering the medication is allowing me to lead a more stable and adjusted life, but it just sucks having what was essentially my only comfort torn from my hands without the option to heal the root issue. This being said though, I still obviously and always have experienced great empathy, and not being able to experience emotions properly or at all, does not mean this is in any way inhibiting my automatic responses to emotional stimuli.