It's something

it was really late last night

And it's not so active this morning

but the total silence is

"Strong, emotionless shoulder to cry on"

Is

Is that what Ace wanted from me

No, no it can't be, I was "the crybaby" back then, he knew that... Right? Even if I hated it and wanted everyone to think I was tough and strong instead. I've never been stoic I've always been real excitable about things he couldn't have...

...Could he?

"it makes me feel like i'm a bad boyfriend" I wish. I had asked how or why

I wish I could ask what he meant. what he wanted

I'll never see the sky in my own world

I don't know what's around our mountain

What part of the world are we in? Is it even named like other people's worlds? Is there snow? Is there sand? Is there an ocean close to our mountain? What kind of plants grow up there, what animals live on top of us?

It's right there. It's right on top of us. But I'll never see it.

I kind of. Wish I could ask Siege what he saw. Even if it's his fault that my timeline's even more broken. But I guess he broke his, too, didn't he.

Except. I did, didn't I?

I gave up when they had me. I gave up trying to get into the Guard. I almost gave up fighting. I half gave up?

I've been trying to be. But

I was always The Fighter. Even when I stopped, people called me that. What was the word... Toreador?

Maybe I'm not

Maybe I wasn't okay with the idea of

...

I said. No one ever said it would be okay if I was weak. "Even if" I was weak.

Maybe

I was one of them

Maybe I'm still sort of one of them?

Maybe... Maybe I'm the only one that thought it would be bad

Even if I was trying to be okay with it

..It still would. be nice if someone said it

Maybe it's not so fucking terrible if I actually am weak. Maybe it's fucking okay, actually, if I can't protect my friends and loved ones with fighting. It sucks, at the time it felt like the One Thing I was ever really good at, but it doesn't make me less of a person and it never did. I never thought it did. It just hurt. It just hurts.

Why does nobody say it would be okay "even if"

Maybe I should just go back to avoiding talking about it at all. Mention once that I don't get why one alt wants to fight me when another gives him a better fight (WHICH IS WHAT HE LIKES) and then it's all "I wish you were more confident" and your meaning of strength is too narrow. I'm trying to be specific. I'm trying to be specific. I'm trying to talk about one specific thing and it's not working

why is it not okay

if i never turn out like you think, who will you be disappointed in

When the two times I felt it were the two worst things I've ever done

I had my shield. But the armor...?

All the white scars, the only ones you can actually see, they're all... stuff I needed saving from. Everything I couldn't handle. Everything I failed the worst at

It's wild how normal it is for people to be hurt so badly

In my timeline. Outside my timeline. In general. Even in places with no monsters or aliens.

It's wild how normal it is for people to hurt others so badly. How normal it is to hurt or want to hurt yourself. How easy it is to ignore. To hurt is normal. To be hurt is normal. Kill or be killed is so normal. Sometimes it just hits me. Hearing things friends have to deal with. Thinking about things I've dealt with. Hearing things friends and friends of friends have done. Remembering things I've done.

We've all been through so much.

We all cause so much.

I understand why she stopped at maiming him. I don't understand why she didn't kill him. I don't understand why I did. I understand that I'd do it again.