To Find The Answers

So I've finally put myself out there and decided to publicly post my first novel in its entirety for feedback and exposure.

Bitter Truth

They were raised in violence and separated in fear. For years they relied on each other, closer than anyone could ever be. Now they rely on each other once more, thrown into a world that doesn’t want them -- but nothing is the same as it was.

Genre | Paranormal Romance (man x nonbinary)

POV | Third Person Limited Omniscient

Target Audience | New Adult

Themes | Love, heartbreak, betrayal, trauma, found family, self-discovery, death, anger and kindness

Warnings | Violence, abuse, brainwashing, sexual themes

I was torn about making this a romance at first but after skimming the gay paranormal romance section of goodreads I have decided there aren’t enough of the genre not written by horny middle aged women who just want to sexualise gay dudes so I’m doin it.

THE CHARACTERS

Blade: This dude was the most loyal of all the kid soldiers he grew up with. Disciplined, brainwashed and utterly deadly, his world is thrown into chaos when he finds himself separated from the Facility and training environment he’s used to. Gay af and punchy af, he’s gotta learn to be A Person and unlearn half of the stupid shit he’s been conditioned into believing.

Erik: He grew up in the same facility as Blade but escaped a handful of years ago and already knows a lil bit about being A Person. He’s still struggling but he loves Blade to pieces and is the only one who ever really understood or had the patience for him. Queer af and hot af, he’s gotta try and help Blade through this hard-ass transition and teach him to love himself for once in his damn life.

--

Day 3 of @shannaraisles Writing Challenge

pyrrhic - won at too great a cost

In which Erik has Many Emotions and Many Terrible Ideas

“But you got out -- isn’t it better to have your life out here than stuck down there?”

He’d heard it too many times before -- so many times, in fact, that he wasn’t certain the words held any meaning anymore. Memories of cold, featureless walls and empty, hopeless souls haunted his every step, reassuring him that life was better here, that he’d have gained nothing if he’d not escaped the Facility that made him. 

It was shallow. A cold, meaningless existence wrapped in the shimmering illusion of freedom. And at what cost? He knew now that his fellows -- his family -- were tortured in his place. Punished for his own escape. And now he was sitting in a world that knew nothing of what he was, forced to come to terms with aspects of himself and humanity that he would never have had to face. Back then, his powers were mundane. His disability was merely a momentary inconvenience. Gender meant nothing. Sexuality was a moot point. Morality was simply deciding whether to kill or be killed. Everyone was who they were and nothing was questioned. 

Now he was isolated, distant even from his closest friends as they tried so hard to connect with him. Lost in his own thoughts with every passing silence and stuck knowing that out here there was nothing he could do to help his family -- and worse, he had no idea what was happening to them. Josh was already dead. Who else would be gone by the time he could take any action for them? 

And Blade. Fuck, what mess had he given Blade to deal with? After all the stupid promises he made… He should never have left.

 “What happens,” he asked, staring at the ceiling with green eyes shining and his brow pinched in that constant scowl that always seemed to be stuck there, “when you die?”

“Nothing,” Erik had answered, smirking at the way Blade’s head shifted to watch him sign, “it won’t happen.”

“It will.” There wasn’t room for debate in his tone. The boy was certain, and Erik’s heart squeezed. “Who’s gonna be in charge?”

“Whoever the Controller puts there.”

“Not me.” He was always so blunt; so certain, but Erik watched his scowl dip further downward -- the surefire sign he was thinking far deeper than he let on. “Nobody listens to me.”

“That will change in time.” He put as much cheeky emphasis in his face as he could, encouraging him with every insincere gesture of hope he could muster. It wasn’t nearly so likely as he was letting on -- who would listen to Blade if he was gone? Nobody. He was just the Controller’s puppet to them: his golden boy ready to bow to his every whim. Only Erik knew what was going through his head at any given moment and he knew Blade was thinking that. “They’ll learn to respect you. Understand you. They have to.”

“Not with you gone, they won’t.”

“Good thing I’ll never leave you, then.”

Maybe it was time to go back. Leaving had always been a mistake; he could do far more for his family from the inside. 

Day 2 of @shannaraisles Writing Challenge aspectabund - letting emotion show easily through the face or eyes

In which Lydia just fucking loves girls so goddamn much

Her words said she was fine, but her face said differently.

Tori had never been good at hiding her emotions -- at least not from Lydia. The girl floated from tree to tree with animals scurrying around her like a carefree Disney princess and yet her eyes glittered with tears almost constantly and she flinched just slightly with every sudden movement she didn’t anticipate. 

Was she the only one who noticed this? Everyone else seemed to take her at face value; all smiles and softness but Lydia could see it clear as day: the boiling behind those glittering hazel eyes threatening to burst at any moment. Every sweet thing Tori did was accompanied by the most hopeful little smile like she was desperate to please -- like she was terrified of what might happen if she didn’t. Every time she saw it Lydia didn’t know whether to go hunting for the people who did this to her, or simply to bundle her up and carry her away and wait on her for once. When was the last time someone did something nice for her just because they could?

There was something beautiful about it, though. Maybe it was just Lydia’s morbid tastes, but to see her glowing and somehow managing to enjoy herself out here despite… well, despite everything. It was stunning. Candids weren’t her thing; hadn’t been since she grew out of making her brother the subject of every piece of vent art. But her pocket camera was in her hands before she could think about it, snapping picture after picture of that bittersweet smile beneath sad, tired eyes. The shadows of the trees hit her just right, sunlight glinting across her face while the trees shielded her face from the glare -- the perfect contrast, ironic symbolism. Stupid, beautiful forest creature deserved the world and got nothing. 

“Are you crying?”

Fuck.

--

Day 1 of @shannaraisles Writing Challenge scrosciare - the action of rain pouring down or of waves hitting rocks and cliffs

In which Erik has some time to contemplate.

He didn’t need to hear the waves to know how high they lapped against the rocks. The cliff was sheer and impossibly high but Erik could feel the vibrations under his feet before he even reached the edge: the thrumming that built like an earthquake before crashing away all at once in the off-rhythm pulsing of water below. He always wondered how it must feel to his friends and family -- could they, too, feel every ebb and flow? Every tiny breath of wind like tendrils of soft smoke on their arms? Would it be different if he could hear them?

Understand my ships in 5 mins, Truth edition! Tori and Lydia are the main ship in Truth and Blade/Erik are a side ship which don’t appear much but Will Some Day feature probably in a story of their own uwu

my poor ADHD abused childe needs many hug

He trusted me, and I left.