The Truth God Showed Me

It's hard to let go off control. I failed again and again. If anyone says I believe in God and follow Christianity because I want security, the answer is no. It's scary to be Christian. I'm trying very hard to pray and believe that God has control and I don't. My whole being fights this daily, struggling daily to relinquish control. It's a scary business for me, and I'm failing badly.

But, when I don't believe, I'm plagued with never ending anxiety and stress. My best quality to manage things becomes my worst nightmare. I would spiral down till ulcer or panic attack or nervous breakdown. So I'm putting a stop sign to my control freak-ness, I'm dragging myself to his feet. It's the only option I have, after all else failed.

Been going through some tough time, still am. Been away from God, but I’m determined to go back to his feet now. Lost my way, and I am truly at dead end. So much that I can only sob in pain at nights. I’ve yet to lost all hope, I’m ready to work hard for this.

I run, I scream, I cry

In silence

I walk, I speak, I try

In absence

I crawl, I whisper, I sigh

At distance

Cause noone hear

Noone see

And noone care

Day 14 (Fri, 20 Jan 2017)

I felt back-stabbed, and it happened when I was on sick leave. The day was filled with anxiety as I try to rest from my severe GERD attack. This was the first time I was attacked personally after a meeting with a group of people from other company, and worst, I was not in the loop. Thank God, the problem was rectified early, but a day supposedly filled with rest, was spent in worrying.

Today, I went for my work, and my colleague talked to me. She encouraged me, and explained that no one blame me. She also explained that the person was not supposed to write the particular email without me in the loop.

Honestly, I’ve been pretty troubled lately. I am contemplating on changing my job. I used to enjoyed it a lot, it used to be my aspiration and profession. Now it turned into just ‘job’, a mean to an end. The 3 things that are holding me back from resigning are: bad economy, the need to sustain my sister’s degree, and the staying pass that I have (or would not have if I resign).

Day 3 (Mon, 09 Jan 2017): My CG is discussing a book by Richard L. Pratt, Designed for Dignity. The chapter we were reading was touching on: 1. Power that comes from God for us to live daily in his Grace 2. Patience to wait everything in God’s time 3. Persevere in faith whatever the situation may be

For me, perseverance is a nicer word for stubbornness, and I’m quite sure I score high on stubbornness (the fruit is not always good, of course). And, with my current life going on pretty ‘meh’, the power part didn’t really ignite anything within me either.

Patience though, is a big area in my life (what can I say, I was born in the 90s, the so called Millennials or instant gratification generation). I want everything to be fast, fast read, fast walk, fast shopping, fast response, and so on. Me and my sister both, to the point that it become one of our inside joke, “Patience is a virtue that we don’t have”.

Day 2 (Sun, 08 Jan 2017):

It was a perfect Sunday, I woke up early, and was ready to go to the church for the morning service. But... my sister woke up with a headache, so we decided to go to the afternoon service instead. I knew that every afternoon service I go, the force of food coma is always strong. By the time the service start, I could barely open my eyes, much less concentrating.

How hateful it is that I’m trying so hard to go to the church, and trying to be a better student of the word, yet one whisper from the devil and I’m a sleepy-sloppy head.

God works wonders. He woke me up through my sister! It was a simple act of elbowing me, she didn’t even do it with much force, but it woke me up well. Right before the sermon start, and it made me wide awake throughout the sermon.

I’ve been backsliding for the past year. When I first started to step away, it felt great, I had more time for myself, I had more rest, more time to read not so God loving books. A year past, and I’m yearning back to have a relationship with The Creator, as there’s nothing in this world can ever truly fill my hungry, thirsty soul.

So, from today on, for the next 100 days (or I may continue doing this if I see an improvement in my life), I’ll write post, thanking God for his gifts and grace.

Day 1 (Sat, 07 Jan 2017):

Half a year ago, I was alone in this country. I graduated for my degree the year before and worked here ever since. I really like it here, I can be independent, public transport and housing are great, the environment is extremely safe (to the point that a petite girl like me can walk alone in the middle of the night).

I secured my first work 4 months before graduation, that was much earlier than my friends, some of whom were even struggling to find one. After I started the job, I like it and learn a lot from day to day. Even now, I often hear of my friend ended up not liking their job and had to change companies. It’s a tough time to look for a new job, and I was really thankful that God gave me a job that I could enjoy.

Now I have my sister with me, she’s pursuing a degree here. Everyday is much more interesting, I shared a room with her again after I left my hometown about 5.5 years ago to study abroad. I realized I miss her a lot, and that she has grown into a fine lady, for that, I thank God.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrews 10:31, ESV)

This passage has evoked a full extent of debate in my head. While the saints are chosen before the foundation of the world, and will never lose our status as a saint (perseverance of the saints), we will still be judge at the end time, regardless of this status we have.

The verse is taken from a passage which assures the status of the saints, with strong reminder of the responsibilities (read: natural consequence) that come with the status. True enough, we’re saved because the Just God loves us, which was the reason He didn’t spare Christ, in order to balance His Justice and His Love.

It doesn’t mean, however, that we have a free ticket to sin. We know what’s good, yet we fail to do it, for whatever reason. Many people, including me, often thing that this is fine, but the one thing that makes the devil’s work prevails is the silence of those who knows otherwise.

Many preach about God’s love, but we are seriously missing out the whole picture with only that. If God is only Love without Just, the saving work of Christ would never be needed in the first place. The reason that Christ is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIFE, is exactly because we can never redeem ourselves to balance God’s scale of justice.

I started this journal-blog to keep me accountable of the blessings that Christ has given me. I’ve taken quite a long break from writing anything, simply because I took a break from my faith. Little did I know that the CS Lewis quote that I shared when I fought the urge to take on the ‘break’ have received so many hits. As hypocrite as it sounds, I did take my break, for about 6 months. I lost the battle I could have won.

I was diagnosed that my body produce less dopamine than what I need on my final semester of university, and it was already quite stressful time. The medicine, which practically only incite the production of dopamine, brought a lot of disruptive side effects to my life. Insomnia, enhanced anxiety, blocked nose (not the flu kind, but I seriously must breath through my mouth 2-3 hours after taking my med).

I doubted that God even takes care of me anymore, I mean, I worked pretty hard, and this is what I get? So, I decided to go on a little ‘break’ (if it’s ever a thing to take a break from faith). It’s nothing outrageous like leaving the church or the like, I just want to distance myself, to sort out my life a little bit.

A little break (a.k.a. physical rest) is good your body, that goes without saying. Taking a ‘little break’ from faith, however, can go wrong in about every direction I can think of.

I wish I knew better, I wish I never take that ‘little break’, I wish my current self can speak to my past self, That it becomes much more bearable when I’m walking with God.

It’s not as if I’m not on medication now, It’s not as if I’m healed in a split second, It’s not as if I’m full of love, peace, joy, and without doubts, But at least, I can counter those helpless times with biblical truth.

I never really liked psalms, I never really get poems in the first place. Yet, God used it to cure my proud, foolish self to return to Him.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. Psalm 130: 5-6 (ESV)

That was the one sentence that rings in my head this morning. It came from an old sermon of my pastor in the church.

“When you feel God is far away. Guess who moved?” “When you feel all alone in this world. Guess who moved?” “When you feel you have no strength to move on. Guess who moved?”

Me. Me. and Me, Lord. I’m the one who moved away in my idiotic fit at an unprecedented speed. I’m the one who ran away from the Rock. I’m the one who was swept away by the cares of the world.

It was, is, and will always be a good question to ponder in every instance of my life. To stop and ponder, who is the one moving anyway?

God is there, before the creation of every life, every things, every being. We are the relative ones, He was and is and will forever be the absolute One. We should always be around Him, we were created as such that we would waste away without Him.

I was embracing the youthful passion, for far too long. It was hardly preposterous I was just neglecting my apathy towards God’s words. And I found myself on a downward spiral a year later.

It was hard, getting up again, to walk with Him again. I have no appetite, no capacity to receive Him, as my heart keep choosing the ‘junk food’ from the world. I don’t read the Bible, don’t pray much. And I wondered, how did I manage to be a spiritual baby again!

Dragging myself away from the sin, sometimes in futile, because I do not involve God in those time. Many good things happened, but I was too focus on feeling miserable.

Now that I reflect upon myself, my miserable-ness was exactly due to my ingratitude. God had given me so much, immeasurable amount of blessings and grace, yet not a single gratitude was given back in that 1 year.

I used to sing this song without really understanding the meaning, now after I much sleepless night, after much stressful days where I kept throwing up my meals, after much headache and tears in desperation, then, I can truly appreciate this song.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

你是我的主.引我走正義路. You are my Lord. You lead me in the path of righteousness. 高山或低谷.都是你在保護. In the high mountains or the valleys you protect me. 萬人中唯獨.你愛我認識我. In the midst of 10,000 people, you love me and know me. 永遠不變的應許.這一生都是祝福. Your promises of blessings will never change.

一步又一步.這是恩典之路. Step by step in this path of grace. 你愛.你手.將我緊緊抓住. Your love, Your hand grasp me tightly. 一步又一步.這是盼望之路. Step by step in this path of hope. 你愛.你手.牽引我走這人生路  Your love, Your hand will guide me through this path of life.