TruePhoenix

Und dann lag ich da, nahezu hysterisch am lachen.

Darüber, dass ich endlich die Motivation fand, Sit-Ups zu machen und nicht in der Lage war, einen einzigen zu absolvieren.

Lachend, über all die Fehler die ich machte, dass ich zu solch einem Haufen elend wurde.

Lachend, über all das Potenzial, dass ungeschöpft im Erdboden versickerte und die Chancen, nach denen nie gegriffen wurde.

Lachend, über all die Freundschaften, die verendeten und über die, die niemals blühen durften.

I'm so sad. I'm so fucking sad.

And damn tired of feeling this way.

I think about it everyday. How you left me. Time and time again. How you've plotted against me. And still I miss you. Miscommunication? Mistakes on both ends?

Do you feel mistreated by me like I do from you? Do you secretly wish I'd take the first step? Even a little bit? Or do you hate my guts?

Cowardice won't reveal what could've been. Trust can't be restored as easily as it is broken. The friendship sank and I sank with it. I drowned. My heart raced, but It made no sound.

It's hard to move on from that. It felt like my life, my psyche were torn apart. From one day to the next my friends disappeared. No explanation given. Just gone. No more invitations, open or otherwise. No more mentioning me in any way. Until they threw me out of the chat. How could they do that so easily? Did they always dislike me? Why wouldn't even a single one of them talk to me? They fucked me hard. I had trust and self esteem issues beforehand, but that...multiplied it times a thousand.

I barely pass off as a human. I can pretend, yeah, but...that's it. Keeping me busy is hard.

I'm on auto-isolate. Can't even imagine someone genuinely wants to interact with me/have me in their life. And I know that being a shy, sad, ugly blob isn't doing me a favor at all, but I can't help it.

The light inside me is dead. I try so hard to enjoy stuff and to be fun. It's exhausting. And apparently not that convincing.

I might have told a few people what's up. While drunk. Which is embarrassing. And now I feel like they see it as a duty to check on me in discrete ways from time to time. Which is even more embarrassing.

I'm stupid, I fucked up. I fucked up big time. Where's the rewind button? I wanna go way back and do things differently.

Some places were broken too many times

I'm out of words

"TAKE ME!!!"

*Accepting the void doesn't care for my soul*

"I totally agree. So, you wanna hang out?"

Das ist alles, was ich artikulieren kann.

I need alcohol, I need alcohol,