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I've realized I just wish I could live a normal life. To be happy, to know who I am and be consistent with who I am and what I like. To not have 1000 different likes and dislikes, fashion and feelings. To remember my skills, education and knowledge all the time. I hate this so much.

I fucking hate did I fucking hate how it is ruining my life and making all of my other mental health conditions worse.

It's the worst. It's so horrible. I just want to be one person. So badly. I hate this I hate my life I just want to be alone for once in my life. I don't want my mind to be in so many places and to change so often

I hate that I lose so much time, that I can't remeber most things, I will say something and forget it 5 seconds after. I just want to live a normal life. I want to fade into the background and he a normal person. Instead of the freakshow mess I have become.

Mentally I've slid so deep into delusion I don't know what's happening anymore. I'm so confused and I can barely take care of myself. I feel like I'm falling apart.

I try not to let myself cry, I know its not good for me but crying will make me worse. When I cry I spiral badly.

I'm scared they are going to put me in the hospital again. The hospital is the worst place I have it so much. It's so scary and in the mh ward they are so mean to you. I don't want to go there ever again. But I need to stop hiding everything. I haven't been telling my doctors the whole truth. I didn't realize I needed to say these things or even realize how bad it got until recently. It became so natural to hide my delusions I forgot some of them were delusions.

I can't be honest about how bad I feel to my partner bc I want to be independent so badly, and she already does so much for me.

We walked to the store and back which is a significant walk for me, and then I spent like an hour and a half cutting up a watermelon we got, separating the rinds so I can make candy tommorrow.

I'm happy I was able to do it but I'm hanging on by threads now, I feel horrifically bad.

At least the watermelon rehydrated me. It was like 6/7lbs and I ate sooo much of it. Its mostly just me eating the watermelon so I get to have as much as I want! Plus we have food for dinner for a little bit.

Honestly I've been really struggling financially lately. It's been stressful but I'm just hoping it doesn't get worse. I find out if I get to keep my apartment any day now. If not I have to pack my life up quickly and put my things into storage. Not entirely sure what I'll do if that happens. But I'm trying not to think about it. There isn't anything I can do yet.

Despite the distressing thoughts of being the star of a show I dont know about, I've always been more of a side character, even in my own life.

People can do amazing things, just not me. I wasn't meant to be special.

I'm supposed to be overworked and overlooked. The kind of life people see online and think to themselves how they could never imagine those things really happening to someone.

I'm the person who smiles at you when you walk by, the friend you could tell anything, the person who encourages you to get help, and says that you aren't alone. The one who let's people walk all over them just to make people a little happier.

I don't want to be a main character. I'm okay with being an unremarkable person who fades into the background. Someone who will only exist in passing conversations of those who have seen me. Even amongst those who know me I am no prize. I know what I am and what I have become.

Sometimes I hate how unimportant I am, people wouldn't like to lose me I know, but they would get over it. They would move on as everyone does, and get back to their lives.

I have no legacy, and I've accomplished none of my goals. I am a nothing person. I hold no weight in society, and I am just a satistic.

I wish I could say how painful this all is but frankly I'm numb. I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than how pointless my existence is.

If I had any courage I wouldn't be here, but I am a coward. I will remain a coward. My body will break apart on its own I just have to wait.

My other blog is therian centered, and some people irl know it. People who I'm trying to get away from. They openly mocked the community, and clcz more. But then basically roll played online pretending to be a therian for fun. And that is how they described it themself.

I also have some of my mutals here on there too

It made me so self conscious.

I tiptoed around the mental health aspect of my identity, and I didn't even know I was clcz until much later, when it got worse. Which was a bit before I made this blog.

I want to go back to posting there but it's so daunting. I don't know.. I dont want to give up on it though. I'm just going through a lot and the fun aesthetic aspect of therianism isn't taking priority. Right now it's just coping. Dealing with my mental health, and surviving.

I spent like 10 minutes thinking about what to say, and prepping myself to talk on the phone and it went badly anyways.

Basically she demanded my member number, but I don't have one yet and my benefits already called them and pre approved it. And then I was confused and asked a question but she kept cutting me off and getting mad. And then I was apologizing and asking a question and she hung up on me.