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HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I spend a bit more time going nowhere in my job,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that he needed to make no discernible upward progress at work for a while longer before he could even think about having children. “It’ll take two or three more years of making purely lateral career moves to even consider becoming a father. I’ll feel a lot better about taking on a family down the road if I make time now to get a few nominal raises that will have zero impact on my quality of life.” Fitzpatrick went on to say he would be willing to delay starting a family even longer if he thought a promotion that amounted to a meaningless change in title was a possibility.

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Sean Spicer Walking Around White House In Sunglasses And Baseball Cap To Avoid Press