TRON LIGHT CYCLES FOR EVERYONE

From cell phones to Tesla vehicles, you can now charge up all your favorite electrical crap with clean energy. Made in Iceland (greatest place in the world-others argue that it’s New Zealand), Janulus created the Trinity. A portable wind turbine that comes in various sizes for different uses. The backpack-sized version intended for smaller devices such as cell phones, weighs only 1.4lbs. Standing at 126”, their tallest version is for electric cars. All sizes store power with as little as 4mph of wind. Farts?

Their kickstarter campaign has already pulled in over $145,000 to fund commercial production. Smart people from all over will continue to get a crack at free energy while not-so-smart people continue to pay $500 A/C bills and then gripe under the hooded frustration of acronyms such as, “WTF?”

Lexus is the luxury vehicle division of Japanese automaker Toyota and now they want to make hoverboards.

Back to the Future II was released in 1989 starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyed. It seems as if a brain rotting disease was started and spread since the film’s feature of a girl’s hoverboard only to create yet another subgenre of cosplay pussies that we’ve coined here in the future, “Marty-McFuck Assholes”.

In a perfect world the creation of a hoverboard would manifest into another lethal stab at human dignity. Science at it’s worst. Wasteful. Slow. A complete cultural fuckup. A manifestation born of weak dreams. Like the many crippled ideas of the Japanese inventor. Has America entered a half-thought-out era of eluding itself with gimmicks and false hopes in order to attain a social media following? You bet.

If you’ve forgotten what gimmicks produce, here are but a few fresh reminders of assholism at its finest. Divulge:

Sounds of the Future Post #1

In this track, not only am I imagining myself riding a Tron Cycle through LA traffic at 10PM on a Friday night, but I can also envision a world where everyone is naked and bathing in glowing blue Tron water. And then dancing. Everything is dangling and it’s perfectly okay.

All this brings me to think that it’s the concept of “dangling” that makes us ashamed of our own naked bodies. Very contradictory if you believe in positive self-affirmation. You have to love yourself if you want the world to love you. Let’s just be clear and remind everyone that God isn’t watching you in the future. God will be too busy controlling the rate at which the universe expands, giving up his post to neon lights.

For some reason unbeknownst to the human race (maybe because we’re depleting, and or, completely destroying the ocean’s food supply), scientists from the National Beef Cattle Improvement Center in China and form Northwest A&F University feel like we should be getting more fish oil in our burgers.

These crazy fucks have introduced the “Fat1″gene (phat-one; Not to be smoked) into Luxi Yellow cattle fetal cells. The procedure increases the level of omega-3 oils in the beef by 5 times.

Ready to puke? 11 of 14 calves that successfully received the gene died before turning 4 months old.

Step into OSMO, an inflatable sphere that re-creates the cosmos and let the good times roll. And by roll TLC4E1 means letting your orgasmic orifices unleash sensual chemicals through violent gesticulation. Created by London-based studio Loop.pH, these guys have a portfolio of installations that deserve more attention and quite possibly, be elected to rule all of planet Earth and our neighboring systems. They've earned it.

(Video Link Way Below)

I think this might of been a Consumer Electronics Show video by Mercedes-Benz, over promising an autonomous world of luxury car travel from LA to Las Vegas (with hopefully no stops in Barstow) similar to the video watching experience at EPCOT Center during the 80’s proceeding the ride Spaceship Earth. Or was it Horizons? Well it’s 2015, and minus 1986 equals almost 30 years of: I’m still driving with my fucking hands.

Thankfully Elan Musk and Google and a bunch of unmentioned awesome groups of people are finally allowing this dream to take place. I’m just hoping the whole goddamn driverless vehicle thing doesn’t turn out to be one massive anticipatory tragedy (Star Wars Episode I). You know. Because of brand-new, insane local state laws and such. Uber! Keep Lobbying! Bring us the future! However that turns out.

I saw the first Tron in movie theaters and still remember it. Mission completed about 32 and a half years ago. So I’m not afraid to die. That being said, this video starts out by lighting up all my hyper-sensory Tron glands and futuristic design glands. Salivation is met with skepticism, is met with reality when I realize the truth behind the future of autonomous driving: I’m inside this awesome car and I’m jerking off. I’m inside this awesome car and I’m jerking off in a wild jerk-off party (adult men and women, if you’re wondering). Now it’s a full on orgy. I’m a good man. This is what good people would do. What about good people with out-of-control indulgences? Mobile Out-Calls Only. Mobile motels. The hotel industry and the human course of sexual evolution will never be the same. Hilton, the Marriott, and hotel empires of the like will start selling cars. Bed, sink, and toiletries. From point A to point B. No one would live in a stationary home. Everyone always moving. Working from their autonomous vehicles. Visiting everyone and everywhere. All of America is one giant interconnected city. The highway rest stop will be the coolest place to be. Toilets made of solid glass with automated bar tender service. Unless of course, all autonomous cars will run on piss and shit. Never leave. Have babies in there. Amazon Fresh will deliver straight to your car with food prepared ready to injest just the way you like it. Hey. It’s the future.

At one point in the clip, a well dressed dessert wanderer (me in about 15 years, fed up cuz life is so full of shit, but still insisting on dressing well to hold onto the very little dignity I have left) is let to pass by the Mercedes On-board Environmental Intelligence computer. The OEI shoots a lit Tron-like path is right before the wanderer’s feet and a sexy robotic voice projecting from the vehicle announces, “It’s okay, handsome homeless guy. I won’t run you over.” And just so you know, OEI is a completely made up acronym that means absolutely nothing. Like this video.

Anyways. Look at this asshole touch a screen he can’t even comfortably see. And if this is the future we’re demonstrating here, then why isn’t the passenger's choice of visual destination not displayed onto the vehicle’s windows? I don’t think anyone wants to bend down at cock-and-balls level to see virtual France pass by. But I do want to visit France. I hear it's a beautiful country. JE SUIS CHARLIE