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i never would have thought i'd find myself back here in the big bad 2025. reminiscing on my old posts, both public and private - this space has really seen so many versions of me and i'm grateful to have that archive.

i have hated myself so much of my life. that is evident in so much of my private blogging and just under the surface of some of the public.

and here i am, twenty nine, stepping foot into the newest version of me. one dealing with her first heartbreak, a life that was always destined to not exist but at times felt possible because of what was tangible. a version who should, theoretically, hate herself more than ever because she somewhere in her brain feels she failed.

did i, though? or was i failed? i know the answer. we always know the answer.

i wish i could live the rest of my life hating the man who did this to me. some eternal sunshine bullshit would really be ideal but we all know how that ends. the memories aren't painful in a "god i miss you" way, but rather a "i'm deeply mourning what i'd believed true for so long, both in the present and for the future" way. that should allow me to hate him. but i can't. i don't want him back but i also can't let go from the fact that i know he's just an absolutely broken person that i can never and was never going to be able to fix.

i hope he takes the steps to help himself like i am doing, for him. that's i guess where i have to channel that energy that i could so easily turn to hate.

hate hate hate. so much hate for myself throughout this blog, throughout my whole digital footprint honestly. but why should i hate a person who constantly sees the good in everyone when i can't hate the people who hurt me? is it because i subconsciously think that allowing people to hurt me is worse? and that makes me someone i should hate?

a perspective shift is so necessary but i need to start writing more about how i plan on doing that, because i have it in my head but it's hard to get it out.

i'm a good person. i deserve love from all aspects. but it has to come from me, first. i will never get it if it doesn't.

that's all, i don't even think of you that often (lies, but not in an unhealthy way)