i am still trying to work on the fact that any time something feels slightly off with my bldy my brain goes into panic and thinkkng im pregnant. this has been a problem for a little over a year now thanks to Lizzy using me for its breeding kink without asking first (and not stopping when it asked during sex) despite the fact i told it if i am not asked first i will not feel like i can say no once its happened becauseof my sexual trauma. i never got ANY aftercare for it ever and becasue it would say things that during that made me so fucking scared id get pregnant that a n y little thing goes wrong with my body i panic that i am pregnant. Its been a while since the feeling was strong enough i needed a test to convince me otherwise but god its so fucking awful to feek this way and i wish i didnt hide this feeling but i never felt like i could tell it with all of its gult spirals. i didnt want to have to comfort it through my feeling that way.
I think back to the last two times we hung out and things got sexual and i got sad when it fidnt happen and i thought it was becasue sex is so emotional for me but since talking about it with someone i got to the point of realization i didnt want to have sex in those moments and was so fjckkng relieved we didn't but because it was the only time it showed any certain kknd of interest in me i felt like i was missing out on something. i never want that feeling again.
i never want someone to feel entitled to my body that way again. I never want to be a sex object for anyone ever again.
im tired of the nightmares that have come with this anger.
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