TrixyJ.

I stare at you

Like I’m staring into the blueberry sky. 

Lost in a trance

Not because I’m lost in you

But because I’m wrapped 

In the beauty of you. 

Your melanated skin

Like a perfect cocoa bean

Mesmerized by the coils in your head

And your beard I love to rub on

Starring into your closed eyes 

Wondering what you see in me

That perfect smile

With that cute laugh

I have no choice but to look at you

In awe, as I smile ear to ear.

Seeing you in colors 

That I didn’t know existed. 

Legs intertwined, feet rubbing each other

My head on your chest

And you arms around me

I’m instantly secure, and I don’t worry.

Your soft lips, so gentle when you kiss

My forehead when I sleep and wake.

A gravitational pull towards you

Unexplained but makes perfect sense.

I’ve never been here before

But I feel like we’ve already met. 

How do I shake this feeling

Of familiarity and unsolicited comfort?

Tell me what do you feel?

What do you see when you look at me?

Don’t tell me what I want to hear,

But get in tune with Ken and reach deep. 

Am I what you imagined?

Or do you want more from me?

I stare at you

Like I’m starring into the blueberry sky. 

Lost in a trance

Not because I’m lost in you

But because I’m wrapped

ALMOND EYES

How great would it be, to see them with the sunrise.

Every day looking into those almond eyes.

So brown and so deep.

Forever yours, but its all of you I want to keep.

I get lost looking into your almond eyes.

So intriguing and bright.

The glisten in those eyes whether its dark or light.

What a story it tells looking into those almond eyes.

When you laugh you squint.

Laughter so hard, it’s adorable I’ll admit.

Seeing you filled with joy looking into those almond eyes.

I wish you could see what I see,

That way you’d be as amazed as me.

Then surely you would agree.

Almond eyes

How great would it be, to see them with the sunrise.

MY BUTTERFLY AND SUNRISE

Thank you Keyona.

Thank you for showing me light.

For showing me kindness,

Patience, and everything right.

Thank you for showing me hope.

For showing me that fairytales exist.

That my turn would not be skipped and missed..

Thank you for allowing me to be me.

For showing me to be proud of me,

My flaws and all of my perfectly imperfect me.

Thank you for being open.

For allowing some space for me to come in,

And reciprocate everything I take in.

Thank you for being gentle and soft.

For being warm and cuddly

Your aura keeps me alive and bubbly.

Thank you for all that you are.

I smile a lot more,

And laugh a little harder

All because of you my dear.

I hope you know that you are amazing.

And if you didn't, I hope this clarified it for you.

Because if I should, I would.

I’d go through every heartbreak again if I could.

Because finding you,

Made my whole world feel anew.

You’re a blessing in disguise.

I’d be thrilled to one day call you forevermine.

Your eyes make me focus only on you.

Your touch so gentle and cool as blue. .

Your kisses make my whole body weak.

And your lips are my favorite, so big and pink.

Your smile is beautiful and genuine,

It surely gives my face a big fat grin

Everything about you is as close to perfection as could be,

I just hope that what I see in you, is what you see in me.

When you pick me up, I'm on cloud nine.

When my head is on your chest, everything is fine.

I hold your hand, and my heart is full.

Our moments together are never dull.

Because the truth is,

I didn't know people like you exist

For people like me, because people like me

Don’t get everything we want you see.

So, Thank you Keyona.

Thank you for showing me light.

For showing me kindness,

Patience, and everything right.

ALIVE

Who would've thought,

I’d be here right now.

Thinking of how I thought I was living all this time,

But I wasn't alive.

Time passing me by,

Feeding myself these lies;

That I needed a man to complete me.

But it’s okay, I now see clearly.

Whole by myself,

Happy with myself.

Loving myself.

I feel so alive, all by myself.

But not really by myself.

With the help of selfish guys,

And their never ending lies,

I am here feeling alive.

I’d admit, I use to cry and cry,

And huff and sigh.

Angry at boys who didn't love me,

Or incapable of loving me.

It took redirection;

Rebirth;

A reintroduction,

I’m the son that got away.

My dad didn't pray, usually,

But he did this anyway.

Too bad I'm the son that got away. 

I grew up,

Adjoined at his hip.

I played with boys and every sport

He and I was a powerful force. 

Basketball was my sport of choice.

A choice that gave me my voice. 

A voice to speak or be meek.

He loved me just for me.

Or did he?

Although I was a miracle child,

I was not his miracle child. 

Desperately hoping for a boy,

A shy little girl, I was coy. 

So I seeked perfection. 

I chased validation. 

I was who he wanted me to be,

Why can't he see?

I put in the hours,

I disliked flowers.

I played with the boys.

I disliked barbies, girls, and toys. 

We hung out everyday.

We watched movies,

We ate food all day.

We’d laugh, joke, and play.

But it wasn't enough. 

I got older, I’m a teenager.

I’m rebellious, and bottled up with anger. 

I’m becoming a woman, oh no. 

Now we’re drifting, I've hit the lowest of lows. 

Because I can never fill that void. 

I’m not a boy, I know he is annoyed. 

Cause now he sees that I could never be,

I'm just plain ole me. 

Why was it that I chased this false me?

Was I not enough to me?

Trying hard to please him,

Not realizing that I'm exactly like him. 

So now I'm in college,

“Look daddy I did it.”

Playing basketball in front of family and friends, 

And a thousands of something fans.

But all I ever wanted to do,

Was play in front of you. 

To hear you cheer and make you proud 

And for a while I did, until I didn't. 

Sooner or later

I got head nods, and I’ll talk to you later. 

But only after you said I should do more. 

That I wasn't enough on the floor. 

And those days were the hardest. 

Because instead of my dad 

And my biggest cheerleader, 

You were my worst critic, a nitpicker. 

So here I am,

Going through guy after guy

Like an endless revolving closet. 

Not realizing I was living a lie.

Seeking perfection 

In the imperfect guy.

Chasing validation 

In the imperfect guy.

Not realizing I was living a lie. 

Because to me dad,

You were perfect. 

I wanted to grow up 

To be at least half the man you were.

Not realizing I was living a lie. 

Because I am me,

And you are you. 

I was one of four,

Four girls that shocked your world. 

I hope one day 

I will make you proud.

And I’ll see you in the stands

Cheering happily and loud. 

Because one day 

I will simply be me. 

I won't chase your perfection.

I won't seek your validation. 

I will be extraordinary me, 

They say love is easy

But how can they say that?

What is the reason

They lie and say things like that?

Love has not been kind to me.

Love has lifted and dragged me.

Love hated me,

And it did not love me.

I love wholeheartedly.

I love blindly.

I love love.

When will I get enough?

Love is beautiful.

And it should be easy.

I want love so bad,

Sometimes I feel like a silly young lad.

Because love seems unattainable.

A childhood tale or fable.

So when will I let it go?

How can I tell my heart no?

How can I turn down the strongest drug?

It’s addicting and fulfilling,

giving me my proper fix for the moment.

But its just that, a moment.

The high never lasts.

The side effects make my life crash

Over and over again.

Love should be a sin.

Love is dangerous.

Love is painful.

Love is magical.

Love is beautiful.

Love is the double-edged sword.

Love is the sour patch candy.

Love is a mystery.

Love chooses who it wants to latch on to.

Love is a leech.

Sucking the life out of me,

Only to drop dead once its nice and full.

It did its job.

But here I am

Left to pick up the pieces.

To put myself back together again

Like Humpty Dumpty.

But what if I can't?

What if I can’t love again?

What will I do?

Over the Cuckoo’s nest I flew.

They say love is easy

But how can they say that?

What is the reason

Goodbyes are the hardest.

See you later might be harder.

Because who knows when later is?

Goodbyes are more concrete, its the end.

But what if I don't want to say goodbye?

And I hate see you later.

So why do any of it at all?

Why exchange names, and important life details?

Why meet your friends, and chill as +1s?

Why hold each other at night, and kiss when we part?

What if I told you I like you?

That I enjoy your company,

And I like being held by you?

What if I said I wish we had more time?

That I love holding you even when my shoulder cramps up?

This is difficult because it wasn't supposed to happen this way...

You were supposed to be just a fling.

A guy I casually met on Hinge.

A guy I trusted the very first day we hung out..

A guy who I thought was cool, corny, and cute all at the same time.

But what resonated the most was how much of a gentleman you were. .

I wonder how do you feel?

Am I just another woman crossing your path?

Am I just sex appeal or a great time?

Will you miss me?

So time passes, and here we are.

I leave in 6 days, and this is so hard.

Goodbyes are the hardest.

See you later might be harder.

Because who knows when later is?

Simple, right?

Kinda.

Love is a double edged sword.

Love is a sour patch candy.

Is love supposed to be this way?

I’m not sure,

“Your twin flame is a fragment of you. They enter your life to help you discover more of your authentic self by releasing what no longer serves your life, love, and livelihood.” —Dr. Harmony, intuitive energy healer

Mirror mirror on the wall

Who’s the fairest of them all?

Is it me, or is it him?

Or is it both of us, as twins?

I saw him and I saw me.

Wanting so badly to break free.

Free from the pain and hurt 

Dating and fucking just for sport.

I saw him and I knew how to soothe him.

I saw him and I knew how to hurt him.

Because when I looked in his eyes 

I can see myself crying. 

When I felt his touch

I could feel my loneliness and nothing much.

We’d laugh and joke.

We’d even lie down and sit in complete silence. 

There was comfort in our presence.

There was pain from our lessons. 

I love him, and he loves me.

But even that is not enough, he’d agree.

Cause even though I loved him wholeheartedly,

He would never choose me.

Manipulative, disrespectful, a coward, a liar.

He was someone I both loved and admired. 

Deep down I knew,

But I still wanted us to be true. 

My fairytale ending I thought we were perfect under the sun. 

But who would've thought that he’d be both my knight and dragon.  

When I look at him I am blinded.

I used to see me.

But it was me. 

It was old me. 

It was unsure and confused me.

Now I am a brighter me.

I have washed my hands clean

From all the past hurt and pain.

He’s still him, 

And thats okay.

But now when I look at him into his eyes,

All I see is his brown eyes.

When I touched him, 

I felt only his skin.

There is no attachment 

I have become me, true me. 

So, mirror mirror on the wall?

Who’s the fairest of them all?

It is me,

Unapologetic me, healed me, loving me. 

I am no longer held captive and filled with rage.

My twin flame set me free from my own cage. 

I just pray

You wanna know the best part?

You.

You as you.

There are moments when I think of random things of you. 

I blink, and I see a flash of your smile.

I stare hopelessly anywhere, and I see you looking at me.

There are moments when I turn to the side and I feel you next to me. 

There are times when I cry to myself at night, and I feel your lips on my forehead. 

You’re there.

You're everywhere. 

I can see you, and feel you. 

I told myself I couldn't fall in love with you.

When in reality, I was scared to.

Our closeness, our bond, our love;

It’s so massive and great. 

You are amazing.

You see me.

You love me for me.

Do you know how rare that is?

To find someone who loves you

Just for you?

Your love helped me.

I found me.

I picked up the pieces, and you helped me put them back together. 

Its strange to say anyone makes you whole.

It’s kind of amazing to say someone completes you. 

Its contradicting, I know. 

But that’s what you are. 

I've been missing a piece of myself for so long, 

That I thought it was lost forever. 

But you found it.

The ability to love again,

To fall in love.

To love completely and freely. 

You helped me become whole by helping me find that missing piece. 

You completed me when you helped put me back together. 

The shattered pieces that I thought were so jagged and dangerous,

You picked up gracefully. 

You handled them with care.

I am eternally grateful for you.

I am beyond blessed. 

God sent me you. 

So, for now I thank you.

I’ll thank you forever. 

I'll spend the rest of my life loving you.

Caring for you.

Showing you just how much you mean to me.

Where do we go from here?

We go up,

We go left or right.

We go forward.

We go anywhere but backwards.

You know me at my worst,

And you lifted this heavy curse,

That I held so dearly to myself.

You loved me

Even when I couldn't be me.

I’ve dealt with shit,

MY shit, and everyone else’s shit..

And you're here and there

Always ready to overshare and care.

Your persistence and love saved me.

Right when I thought I was about to drown,

You jumped right in and saved, me.

Right when I was walking towards the light

And giving up all hope for love.

Not the idea of love, but love ideal for me.

You swooped me when I didn't even want saving.

When I didn't know I needed saving.

You set me free from me,

Cause even though I forgave him,

I didn't really forgive me.

With you everything is better.

I eat better,

Sleep better,

Feel better,

And I love better.

You awakened what I thought was long gone.

We created this flawless bond

That got me excited to see you,

Or excited to sleep because when I wake up,

I’m laying right next to you.

My life was complicated,

Its never what I would have anticipated.

I am beyond complicated.

I was a loose cannon ready to launch,

And go nowhere.

You helped me change gear.

Now I know what a meaningful kiss feels like.

I know what a graceful and hopeful stare looks like.

What a “don't ever let me go” hug feels like,

But more importantly what a “I won't ever let you go” feels like.

We’re like Beauty and the Beast,

Except you're the beauty and I'm the beast.

But what people fail to realize is that it wasn't the kiss that set him free.

It was the true, unconditional love that brought him to be.

Beauty loved him regardless of him being a monster.

She saw beneath his thick fur, and into his yearning heart.

He longed to be understood and not torn apart.

And just like Belle seeing Beast for who he truly was,

Was you seeing me beneath and past my ugly canvas.

You not only shown me love,

But you gave me all kinds of

Hope.

Fairytales do exist,

You're everything I've ever wanted on my wishlist.

So when you ask “where do we go from here?”

The answer seems so clear.

We can go anywhere.

We go up,

We go left or right.

We go forward.

We go anywhere but backwards.

I will go where you go,

Not behind you, but beside you.

Without you I wouldn't have made this breakthrough.

You know me at my worst,

Sunrise,

The sun will rise again.

Whether I am ready,

Whether it is rainy, cloudy, or sunny.

The sun will rise again.

New beginnings for me

I think God would agree,

That there is so much more in store for me.

More endless laughs,

More warm hugs,

More gentle kisses

And more genuine love.

Were you the one I needed?

I can't believe I did it.

I pushed you away,

But you made me smile every single day.

You loved me for me;

Even when I couldn't see me.

You were so busy looking past my flaws

When all I could do was pinpoint your flaws.

I thought I didn't deserve you

You were too good to be true.

I didn't know what to do.

But somehow you crept in;

Inside my heart, I thought it would never happen again.

You held me so tight, and just right,

I thought you were my shining knight.

Your kisses so gentle,

I’ll admit it started fucking with my mental.

You opened me up,

When I thought I was so tough;

And yet there you were with a gentle touch.

You grabbed my hand

And I flew away with you.

You had me on cloud nine,

And I lost track of time.

Because every moment with you

Was so refreshing and new.

I would be so fixated and lost

In you, I knew it was soon our wires would cross.

So perfect, so authentic, and so sure.

Your love for me was pure.

You were everything I prayed for,

And I knew in my core

That I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready for the love you were so eager to give me.

How can that happen?

To pray and pray and ask God to send someone like you,

Only for me not to be ready for you?

I don't deserve you,

And if only you knew

Who I was and who I am now.

If you knew my past,

Then you'd understand why I wear this mask.

Not a mask of outwardly deceit;

But of inner demons that I try so hard to keep discreet.

If I unleashed them you'd run away.

Or even worse;

You'd stay anyway.

I made some wrong choices in life;

And as a result I may never be a wife.

I may never have children,

And I’ll live with the consequences;

This will be my deadly sin.

This is my life,

And it makes me angry and sad all at once.

So don't hate me.

I just could never let you see

The true me.

The reason why I'm so damaged me.

Because if I could,

I would.

I'd give you all of me,

And love you wholeheartedly.

With no fences and no boundaries

I’d help you see that true love does exist

That real women exist.

That there are honest and faithful women.

But I can't.

Because I am not perfect.

I am broken.

I am damaged.

I am incapable of being everything and giving everything.

Because if I could, I would.

I'd give you everything.

As much as I want to blame him,

And hate him;

I can't.

I should've had more restraint.

But I wanted so badly to prove that I love him.

I was a fool in love with him.

I knew better,

And I still didn't do better.

I hated him at first

Because he betrayed my trust,

And he made it seem like I was the only one.

As if I was the one having all the fun.

He blamed me,

And after a while I blamed me too.

Because I knew better,

And I still didn't do better.

So imagine me in that cold room,

With my mother to the left of me,

And my doctor examining me.

Imagine the humiliation and the hurt

That I felt as I cried into my shirt.

The puzzled look on my face

As I sat there frozen and in disbelief.

I knew my life would never be the same again.

Love would never be the same again.

So when I met you,

I knew.

You gave me hope.

You helped me believe that true love does exist.

That good men exist.

I was ready to give you the world,

And then I remembered.

I can't do that.

Cause if I could,

I would.