GET IN THE DRAIN

No one really understands me really.

I have gone through several incidents that had made me explore new feelings and new emotions. I never really understood some of them. At times, the situation is so crucial and so hesitant that I don’t know what I should feel.

I feel alone most of the time. You know, it sucks more when you’re the only one going through it. My thoughts are always so jumbled up with scenarios and things that don’t bring happiness. I hate it. I wonder how those people who always look happy stay positive. What are the things going on in their head? How are they able to overcome their own darkness?

It gets lonelier when the person you talk to becomes tired. It gets painful when you get accused of “searching for sympathy” by the person you talk to. Until you do nothing but stop telling them completely . But then again, we are humans.

Humans with emotions . Humans with feelings.

Everybody needs somebody. And therefore , you end up falling right to the person you can trust the most after the person who has betrayed you. You fall in to them hoping they would catch you. Keep you safe. So to speak, they did. Finally , you let your whole word crumble. It crumbles and shatters so hard that you become dependant on the person.

You hate it.

“Why can’t I be strong ?”

“Why can’t I keep everything in?”

“What is wrong with me?”

“Why am I so weak?”

“Stop being a weak bitch!”

Questions and remarks you throw to yourself.

Those sentences are normally being thrown when you don’t feel comfortable or even feel guilty after pouring out to the person and not get the reply that you want.

“Never ever talk about this matter to anyone as this is a big secret” says the person who had shut you off.

But I’m a human and I have feelings. You have your favourite person to talk to and I don’t have anyone. I was accused of searching for sympathy about this matter when I had been crying out loud for help for months trying to shut out the darkness in my head. Not to mention I was going through something life changing exams in my life.

You never really know what was happening in my head and you expect me to keep it to myself.

And those were the things I have yet to say out loud . Those were the things that roamed in my head resulting in me depending to someone I call the love of my life.

Pain. It’s the only thing that has never left me for years. Happiness leaves. But pain stays. Why can’t I make it the other way round?

How is it that I put myself down, I put myself the last but at the same time I put everyone first ?

How is it that I’m the one who’s always getting replaced?

Why me?

This year is my senior year. Which also means I'm going to take one of my most important exams in my entire life of being in school since the age of 6 till 17. I dont wanna go home with an upset + disappointing mind. I want to prove to myself that I infact can do it.

Hence , the reason I'm on a hiatus. I will be back maybe on December. I won't forget you guys but I've left not only my fellow loves on tumblr, but also Instagram , wattpad and etc. I will only get the result next year on march. I promise I will tell you guys what I got and when I'm back on December, I will surely tell you guys my journey.