Having her so close, yet so far from his touch, was like hell. The moment her hand raised to touch his cheek, all he wanted to do was reach out his own hands, enclose hers in his and press his cheek into her palm. That, in his opinion, would do a much better job in numbing whatever pain he was feeling at the moment, be them physically caused by the wounds or emotionally brought upon by the things he'd seen while he was away. Her touch would always be better than any pain killers, any medications, because it didn't just chase the pain away. Her touches, the slip and slide of her skin against his had always whispered to him that no matter how much pain he was in, he wouldn't ever have to bear them alone. And that, more than anything, meant the most to Triph.
He wanted to answer her, tell her about those things that had happened in District 11. Them being comrades in duty, they were allowed to talk about these things. No secrecy about uproars and rebellions were posed among Peacekeepers. But even though that was the case, Triph couldn't bring himself to say the words. He couldn't bring himself to tell her all the horrible things he'd witnessed during those six months of hell. During that time he was away, he'd seen so much torment, torture, not directed at him, yes, but affected him nonetheless. He'd seen people crumpling to their deaths during the riots. He'd seen people losing those they love, and as much as he had wanted to do something about it, like last time, he couldn't. He couldn't this time because if he did, he would lose everything for sure. As much as he wanted to help the innocent, duty compelled him to be the monster, to be the one who brought upon those torment to the innocent. And that had broken him again and again every single second that passed by in Eleven. So, really, even if he wanted to tell her, he couldn't. Maybe not now, at least. Not when there were so many eyes to see them because Triph knew, he just knew for sure, that if he started telling her all about it, he would lose himself in the process. He would break down, the walls of bravery and numbness he had built around himself for the past months would crumble to dust. And when that happened, he knew he would need Kero there. He would need her there for him. He would need her as his strength because he knew that his own strength would surely evaporate into oblivion. So instead of talking all about it, all he did was nod and look at her, his eyes screaming a promise that when the time was only theirs to share, he would tell her everything she needed to know. And simply said,"Yeah, there were. There still are, actually. There's always been."
At the mention of her not knowing about constellations, Triph frowned. He knew all about them, the stars. There was a time before he'd become a Peacekeeper that he'd spent so many hours of his nights just gazing at the stars. He had this special place outside the city, outside all the racket and the blinking lights and the ruckus. It was a place he'd inherited from his mother, and he had turned it into a safe haven of his. It was his home, actually. As he thought of it, an idea lodged itself into his mind. He had to take her there some time, preferrably on the next day off they would have. He would need the peace after all the racket he'd had to live through. And he would need a break, time away from everything else, time that would solely be his and Kero's. They both needed that. He would have told her he'd bring her there some time, but then he remembered the surveillance. It wouldn't have been wise so he kept his mouth shut, and reminded himself to tell her about it the moment they were alone.
As he heard about what happened at the parade, and about the rebels, Triph felt his chest tighten, his mind suddenly clouding with the memories back in District 11, but he pushed them away just as he tried to make his voice sound void of all the emotions that the memories had brought back. "Yeah, they really are out there," he said, "And we're supposed to be stopping them." As he said the words, his mind screamed at him to say 'But I really don't want them to stop. I want to help,' but of course he didn't. He couldn't. He shouldn't.
He was pulled out of the deep well of his mind by the sound of the elevator arriving at the rooftop, the doors sliding swiftly. He knew he should have looked around first. He should have made sure that they were alone before doing anything, but the moment Kero's hand wrapped around his own and she pulled him out of the elevator, every other thing in his mind besides the very presence and feel of Kero, was flung into the void. The very second Kero eagerly jumped up into his arms and pressed her body against hers, he was just as eager. And just like that, everything felt like it was going to be okay again.
For months and months, he'd craved her touch, her presence, her kisses, really everything about her. Every single night after a rough and dangerous day, he would just lie down on his bed and wish Kero was there just like she had been months prior. He'd longed for her, longed for the peace that her presence brought upon him. Just the feel of her enclosed in his embrace and the feel of her own arms wrapped around him had always been enough to make him feel at peace. And during those times that he could feel himself physically and emotionally breaking, all he wanted was the peace and the safe haven that she had always brought him. All he wanted was to curl up against her, tell her about his day no matter how horrible it was because they promised each other no secrets, and just hug her. Just a hug from her would have been enough to comfort him. It would have been enough to chase away the nightmares that has started to plague him. If she'd been there, she would have been able to pick up his broken pieces and keep him together. And so now, with the two of them finally reuniting after so many months away, their emotions blazing so high and consuming the both of them, Triph could do nothing but let himself burn in the blaze that was Kero Gold.
He kissed her back with as much fervour as she was kissing him with. He clutched at her body tightly, pressing her closer to him as much as possible. He drowned in the ferocity of her kisses, not once complaining that she was being violent. Some of his bruises were screaming at him, but fuck, he didn't care. He needed to feel. He needed to feel something other than the pain of his memories. He needed to feel her presence. He had to know she was there, that she needed him. He needed to know that she wasn't going to push him away now. He desperately needed to know, to feel, that she didn't think him a monster after being in District 11. But alas, the last one was something he couldn't be sure at the moment.
They parted much too soon in his opinion. But the sight of her wide grin that welcomed him the moment he opened his eyes once more was enough to open up his chest and let all the emotions he'd been keeping inside to pour out without hindrances. The gates flung open and as he stood there, his arms wrapped tightly around her frame while he looked at her, took in every inch of her face from up close and re-committed it to his memory. He chained this image he was seeing now with the memory of her face that kept him going when he thought he couldn't do anything anymore. When he didn't know if he should continue what he was doing in 11 or just stop fighting those people all together, stop fighting for the Capitol, all he would do was remember her face and tell himself he had to survive because he had to go back. He had to find out if he still had a place with her. So now, looking at her, touching her, feeling her, Triph could feel his emotions overwhelming him. He didn't hold back anymore, he let them go, he let himself feel them. And in turn, he willed Kero to feel them as well.
"I know, I know," he said,his voice cracking with the happiness he was feeling at the moment. "I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. They didn't let me. They knew there was nobody in the city I should say goodbye to. It killed me, Kero. It fucking killed me, having to leave you without as much as goodbye," he leaned his forehead against hers. "I'm really sorry. Fuck, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to leave you alone all those months, I swear. I wanted to be with you. I did. I do. And those months without you killed me."
When her hands trailed to his cheek, his eyes fluttered close and his own hand entrapped hers and pressed the warm skin of her palm closer to his face. Turning his face to the side, he kissed the center of her palm just because he could. Now, he could. But when he opened his eyes once more and saw the tears clouding hers, Triph went and placed his other hand on her cheek. And when the tears finally flowed down from her eyes, the sight was enough to make Triph tear up as well, all those months without her, without seeing her, without being with her, catching up to him in a flood of tears. "Hey, shhh. Don't cry, love. You're making me cry, too. And do you really have to ask that? Of course I did." He leaned closer to her then as his thumb wiped her tears away. "I did. I missed you. I. Fucking. Missed. You." And then he captured her lips in his once again. The latter part of his sentence being murmured against her lips and punctuated with a kiss. "It was hell without you, Kero. I...I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to survive," he whispered as he pulled away. That was when he realized his tears weren't just tears of happiness anymore. They were also tears of remembrance--remembrance of all those nights without Kero. "I didn't know how to continue fighting. It was horrible in that place. All those people fighting. All those people being killed just because they wanted a better life for themselves. It was fucking horrible. And what's worse is that I'm fighting for the Capitol when all I wanted was to cross to the other side. But I couldn't. I'd been forced to hurt people who I know disn't deserve it, Kero. And every night I feel like I'm the biggest monster to ever live. And then you weren't there. Bed was empty. The space felt so big and cold without you. And--and the nightmares. I saw them in my sleep. And they hated me. I don't..." he whispered. And then he was trembling. He didn't even realize, but he was shaking. His hand that was holding onto Kero's was clutching desperately. He hoped he hadn't been hurting her, but he couldn't help it. He felt like if he loosened his grip, he could lose her again. "I hurt people, Kero. I hurt them." He was aware of how weird this must look like. A minute ago, he was composed and he was crying with tears of happiness, and now he was breaking down. But he knew this was coming. And he could just hope, while he broke down there that after Kero had heard about what he had to do in District 11, she wouldn't think of him as a monster. He could just wish she wouldn't be disgusted by him. "I'm sorry. You must think I'm a monster now."
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