triggur warning

oops

yesterday was really bad for me. it upset me to know you didn't answer. I needed you. it just really hurt. Not that you didn't answer last night, but that you chose to ignore it.

I haven't used this blog in a long time because I haven't felt the need to. And now I'm freaking out. I'm so ready to leave but I'm absolutely terrified. I keep picturing my last day at work, at school, at home, and my last day seeing my two best friends. I'm not going to be able to do it. I can't. I've cried thinking about it. . I notice those little things. It's not your fault and you don't do it on purpose, but I can tell. I feel like a child saying that you like her more. I feel stupid for being so jealous because I know (at least I force myself to think) that it's all the same and we're just different people and I have nothing to worry about but I do worry. I worry you won't miss me, just her. But it's a silly thing to say and I know how silly it is. . I haven't had a sad night in a long time but I am. I'm sad and scared and upset and not myself tonight. I want to be with someone right now. i feel like I did last year. I can't believe it's been over a year. It's gotten better but so much worse at the same time. So much better whole getting worse.

I took a trip with my sister and it was such a nice break for me. Everything was absolutely fantastic. I missed two days of school but there's really not much for me to catch up on besides math, but I think that's good. It will force me to review more and eventually get a better grade on the test. There are some people I know that I can't begin to tell how much I care about them. Every time they get uncomfortable in the slightest or a little bit sad I want to hug and kiss them and make them all better because the amount of love I have for them is so immense and seeing them so hurt and torn it makes me hurt ten times more and I want to cry thinking about this pain they have and I can't bare it. I just can't.