"I’m 27, as of 3 days ago. I remember when I was in my last year of college, I’d think about how at 27 I’d be a speech-language pathologist. I’m not really there, despite having applied this year finally. A lot of things delayed my process, and I have not been on a timeline that I felt entirely happy with since graduating 4 years ago. I’m not sure if it’s birthday related, but I’ve had dreams featuring my dad a couple of nights in a row and I really miss him. It’s hard because the years have just passed and it’s less daily that I allow myself time to remember him so much so that it’s like forgetting. And it just is. I guess dreaming about him reminds me of his being even if it’s a warped dreamworld version, it’s my memories of his essence and what I think he would say or do if in my presence. The heart attack scenes in tv shows I’m enjoying strike a chord. And that it’s not impressive at all to cry on cue because it’s quite as time goes by. I guess the point is, lately, I’m terrified of where the time has gone and where it will take me next. I thought getting into grad school would fix it all for me. I want to enjoy 27 because I feel as if I spent 26 dreading 27. I can’t allow myself the same mistake."
I'm currently 31 and wanted to respond to this so many years later. I think maybe because his birthday passed a couple of days ago and it's going to be 8-9 years since he died, and I missed him still, just not in the same way. There is still a deep sadness about the permanence of death -- but the other reason I wanted to respond to this is that I did get into grad school @29 and attained my master's not in speech language pathology like I thought in college, but mental health counseling @31. I think it is just a reminder of themes I keep hearing in young people of regret, and not being happy with their pace toward success, and maybe themes of "this thing" will solve it. I wish I could tell them what I know, and I do, as much as I can without wanting to interfere and I say as much. There's a real sincerity growing of wanting to both allow their suffering and take it away. It's been what's been coming with age, and it is also in some ways, reminding me to prioritize myself a little more, too. My 2022 intention was solely to sleep earlier or more. My 2023 intention was to prioritize pleasure. I can see why it would be that.
