Tri Awesomeness

fucking look at this shit though

The triceratops for instance, was also animatronic.

Motherfucker randomly started moving.

And i just googled malfunctioning t-rex and was not disappointed. Apparently in order to put the skin on over the steel frame a guy had to crawl inside the t-rex while it was turned on and glue the skin down. And if somebody turned the t-rex off or the power went out the guy in the t-rex stood a very real chance of getting mangled and killed by the hydraulics.

So of course, the power goes out.

And this guy is still in there gluing the skin down.

Apparently the way to survive getting sheered to death by huge sheets of metal while you’re inside a giant t-rex robot is to curl into a ball and hope for the best.

And this guy hoped for the best and got it.

But it would be a lie. And I’m so done with lying. With faking that everything is okay. Everything is not okay right now.  

I’m listening to my Spotify 2016 ‘Year in Review’ playlist. It’s a trip. 2016 beat the shit out of me. Flying knee kick style. The music blasting into my ears is a time capsule. Every feeling I’ve had this year are somehow captured on some random track. I’m riding some sort of psycho mini emotional rollercoaster. 

The boy and I blew up. 11 years and it imploded. It seemed to change in a second, but really it was a powder keg that built up over years. The explosion caught me off guard. So did the force of it. And I’m still trying to sort out the damage.

The year is divided into two halves - before and after. And I barely remember before. I don’t know that person. I miss that person. I miss that life. I hate that girl, who was sitting there at the start of 2016 and didn’t see it coming. I want to scream at her, to slap her, to tell her to get her shit together. To realize how good she has it. To be more appreciative. To see the faults - in herself, in her relationship, in him and WAKE UP!  Save it.  You could save it if you’d known. If I could just rewind an hour, a week, a year before we hit the iceberg and we could fucking fix it.  But I can’t. I can’t stop it, I can’t fix it. 

Now we’re in this horrible in between place. Staring at the rubble. Both broken, hurt, scared shitless. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Tired. So tired. It gets better and worse. Worse then better. Then nothing. We talk but it doesn’t feel easy. The world won’t let us stop to just breath. To just figure it out. I want to yell. I want to just yell so loud that the entire world just stops. I want it to just leave us alone, and let us go somewhere where we can just relax. Where we can calm the fuck down and give ourselves the time, space and atmosphere to really work on this. Even if we broke forever, to be able to end at peace. But life just won’t stop. It steamrolls through. Life is the mother fucking honey badger.

And my grandma passed away this year. She was an amazing lady and I can only hope to be as strong as she was. But when I cry I don’t cry for her. I’m glad she didn’t have to see me go through this to be honest. It breaks my heart that I haven’t grieved her in the way I’ve grieved the loss of my life (or at least the life I thought I was going to have). 

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I know the way it is now can’t go on forever but I don’t know the outcome and I’m scared shitless. No outcome feels good. The ones I want feel impossible, and the ones that feel possible all fucking suck. I feel like my life is the cat in the box, all possibilities and none at once. 

On some level it’s fine I know that a year from now, ten years from now, thirty years from now this will just be a memory, that it will have happened for a reason, that I’ll have grown blah blah blah. But sitting in it now - sitting in the not knowing, in the middle of the storm while my ego, pride and heart take a shit kicking - is fucking brutal.

I know that I still have work to do. That just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean that it’s going to be fixed. That this battle - for myself, for my relationship - is not even close to over. That I need to get up tomorrow and yell at the life-steamroll-honey-badger, “Bring it badger! You won’t break me!”. That this battle is won in a million baby steps that never end. That is life.

But today I’m so tired. The last six months have been a blur. I am so sick of hearing I’m strong. I feel like I’m falling apart. Like I’m loosing it a little bit. I just don’t feel comfortable. I know I should do things so I do them, but I feel like a robot. My body is going through the motions, but my head and heart are rarely with me. My friends and family have been amazing, the most supportive, stellar people you could ask for. I survived because of them, and I will always be grateful.

But there is only so much friends and family can do, and I’ve also been fighting alone. The emotional battle rages inside, and no one can help me with that. But I’m so lonely. He was the only person I felt safe with. Where I could relax and just ‘be’. When it’s just me I spin out. I hate being alone in my own head. So I either smoke too much weed - because being high is the only time the dark clouds part and I can relax and feel a ‘genuine’ happy emotion - or I try and distract myself by doing more, more, more. Because at least if I get shit done it’s not as hard to pick up the pieces when my head catches up. My fantasy is to run away from everything but I know it’s really myself I want to get away from.