Just Imagine...

Inspired by something I heard at work today. I thought I’d type out a lil summin summin.

So I advocate the need to speak freely about mental health.

It’s a thing.

It’s a thing so imperative to us as a people that I wish anyone struggling could understand how much it will change your life if you open up. I don’t talk about it much....

Had I known that myself a few years ago, my life would be so different now I can’t even begin to tell you. But. Hind sight.

Anyway...

A weird thing has happened....I’d like to divulge if I may.

Today I heard someone say they had OCD .

They straightened up their pen....

Said pen is now lodged in said persons left nostril.

Ok, it’s not but I wanted to.

Do you know how hard you are making it for people that actually have OCD to talk about it when you make it as common as that?

OCD isn’t needing to straighten a pen. That’s liking things in order. That’s a want. That’s something you choose to do. I like things in order....the difference is if I don’t do them in that order I physically can not concentrate on anything else. It’s not funny. Or a joke to need to line everything up like I do. Or make sure both of my feet have hit the ground exactly the same amount of time in a walk. It’s not something I throw out easily, it’s a real thing. If I blink and one of my eyes don’t close exactly in time with the other it takes me a minute or so to catch up with the eye that missed out...that sounds mental right? It’s a real thing. I know I look a dick trying to blink my eyes back into order, but I can’t choose not to do that. Fuck me sideways I wish I could.

OCD means that something in your head tells you if you don’t do something in an exact order, or line something up in a certain way that something awful will happen. Your world will stop turning. Your most intense fears will culminate if you don’t listen to the intrusions in your head telling you that if you don’t get dressed in the exact same way you did yesterday....shit will hit the fan.

Throwing these terms around like it’s easy is detrimental to the cause.

Depression is the same. You aren’t depressed if you’re having a crap day. Or feeling a bit sad. You’re entitled to be a bit sad or down, without feeling the need to tell everyone you are depressed today .

Because what you are doing is making people that ARE depressed hide away. You having a rough day is not the same as someone who battles in their own head every single minute of the day. It’s not the same as having absolutely no idea why you were fine yesterday and Suicidal today. Nothing changed. But depression means for some reason you can’t be as happy as you were yesterday, for absolutely no reason other than...you have depression.

Thats so tough to deal with.

I have PTSD. That’s my “biggie”. But that’s not relevant here, because there isn’t a comparison for anyone confused.

But I’ve battled depression and OCD my entire life. Spouts of either at different times. I’m on a good run at the minute. I’m enjoying the freedom from my head I’ve always wanted. It’s a good time for me. But I know it’ll come back, it’s always there , always will be. The OCD is there every day , and I cope really bloody well with it now. Except a few things I can’t ignore. One day I’ll get dressed in the order I want to, not the order I need to.

Saying you have depression because you’re a bit sad, just makes you a dick.

Saying you have OCD because you like the radio on a certain volume...also makes you a dick.

Just think that while you’re using these terms to seek attention, the person next to you might go home and lock themselves away from everyone they love...because they’re terrified to talk like you do.

So let’s have a lil’ thinky shall we?

As a person, there are times when you are tested beyond the realms of what you are able to cope with.

You know those days when you hop out of bed, straight onto an upturned plug that was supposed to be in the wall charging your phone which is now of course on 1 percent and you have to leave the house in 4 minutes?

Those little things all add up into this weird mind explosion that just make you want to scream fuck you!! But at what?

A plug? Yourself for being a twat and not plugging it in? Your phone for not charging itself? It’s weird right?

Another favourite is when you’ve had a long day at work, get yourself off the train and you are greeted with that razors-edge like rain. The one accompanied by wind that soaks you through in under a minute and freezes your entire face. Again FUCK YOU!! ....who’s fault this time? The WEATHER!?

These are things that test us to a new level. Things that add up to a breaking point. You are literally screaming at nothing, but inside you are so furious with nothing that you don’t know what to do with it.

Here’s one. All of that stuff. But...you have a poorly child that is completely rotten from whatever bug has been doing the rounds this week, and is therefore relentless in their need for your attention. AND another child that has realised that if you SHOUT Daddy! Every ten minutes from the hours of 11-3am that Daddy! Will eventually get you out of bed for a bloody cuddle before Daddy! Launches himself and said children from the highest point of the house.

Say said Child hadn’t slept for more than an hour solidly for over a week and has also realised that getting out of bed is quuuuuite easy now.

The good news is, you have to go to work in the morning. And be normal as fuck because.....

And here’s where this is going.

Because what?

Why are we so absolutely terrified to admit we are having a tough time? Why can’t we be strong enough to be weak for a minute?

Honestly if you don’t get so angry with everything that your head could explode I beg you to teach me how. But I think if we are honest, we all get that angry. And furious. And broken. And exhausted.

The question is why do we give a shit?

I love my children more than I can put into words. And I’m quite good at words. There is no description for it, and I have no doubt most parents feel the same.

But...

I have burst into tears at 3am on a Wednesday because I simply have lost the ability to pass anymore tests. Because I want to run off somewhere and not be a parent just for 10 minutes. For fear that one day my rage will come out of me in front of them.

You know what would make that easier though? If we didn’t all have to pretend we are perfect. If we normalised how fucking HARD it is to be an adult.

So. I, at the time of writing this, (it’s 2 am for the 9th night in a row) am hereby announcing that if you want to shout piss off at the rain, I’ve got you.

If you want to hurl an iPhone charger at the wall because it was inconsiderate enough to not plug itself in, I’m here for you bro.

And more so, if you are a parent, and you need some one to talk to because calling your 3 year old a shitbag under your breath isn’t doing it for you anymore...hit me up.

Let’s talk. Because I bet we’re all pretty amazing 95 percent of the time.

But I could use a bit of target practise for that other 5 percent.

Anyway,

Night xx

Hey people. Let's discuss something fun for a change, shall we? Nah I’m joking it'll be deep and horrible like normal. That's why you come here right? Joy and happiness? For the LOLZ.

I’m happy to throw some of them in. But the reason I type here is that for some bizarre reason I have this secondary mind that thinks that other people, slightly mad or not, may think the same as me, but don’t have a platform or support network to come out with it without feeling judged or looked down upon. Luckily I did the whole mad thing, my support network knows I’m a bit of a fruit on occasion AND I am SO ok with being judged at this point it no longer registers. So, here we’ve spoken about the difficulties of parenting with mental health, self-love (behave yourselves not like that) the issue of “manning up” and all sorts of lovely other topics. Including being a massive burden on your loved ones, this is not that...but in a similar vain....take a walk with me people, bring a torch.

Something I learned very quickly when I accepted who I am, (I say accepted I spend a lot of time in denial now BUT I do it with the most sexiest of faces) is that as hard as you try, you won't ever have the same relationship with the people around you as before. I’ll explain that, because it’s not necessarily a negative thing. The people that loved you before you asked for help, or didn't as the case may be, will still love you afterwards.Keep hold of those people, they are very very important. The flipside to that is some may not, it depends on their character as a person, and how badly you screwed up. Because even if you weren't entirely to blame, you and your vessel will always be the physical representation of whatever you may, or may not, have done. If they can't forgive and forget I have a very strong, and incredibly harsh fix to that. Please, and I mean please...don't spend too much time trying to change it. It is a waste of time begging for people to think you are the same, once “you” come out of yourself, there is no going back. Those people that still love you, may have a different view on you though. That is far more difficult to accept, one day I’ll write up on how to deal with that...but as with everything i type out, what you get here is balls-deep honesty. Truth is, I still haven't figured out how to be ok with that part of it, I will, and when I do you will be the first to know. One for the diary eh?

Anyway.....apologise, do what you can...repent even. But, peoples perception of you will only improve if they will allow it to, and that is no downside on them, if you’ve been an asshole you may not deserve them in your lives anyway, regardless of how or why. The important thing here is to accept and process. So, do what you can, but move on from it. Find new people, create new relationships with other like-minded people and honestly you will stop caring about what people think about you. And that's very important. A huge part of mental health, in many many formats, is the absolute obsession of wanting everyone to like you, I can not tell you the importance of accepting that as an impossibility, Nobody is liked by everyone. NOBODY. Think of someone right now that you think everyone thinks is amazing. The perfect human being, beautiful, kind, caring. Sneeze fairy dust-and-fart-glitter-incredible person. Guess what? Someone, somewhere thinks they are a dick. It is probably me, to be honest. So, before we move on, stop trying to be perfect, you can't be, its impossible. 

HOWEVER, if like me you have been a bit of a dick, you can work on you regardless. Take it one step at a time though. Don’t try and change your entire personality. Accept who you are and try and change the things that make you a bit shitty. Don't go being all reserved and hidden if you are loud and outgoing. Don't start singing in public and doing stand up routines in the pub if you are introverted and being in a large group of people gives you panic attacks, That is NOT the point. 

If the people around you want to change WHO you are, find a new people. It's counterproductive to think that not being YOU is a good idea. Fuck those people absolutely sideways if they tell you otherwise ok? Cool. Changing bits that make you less of a good person, however, fine.

See, for me, i’ve got a shitty temper. Again, I could list 1000 reasons why I have one. Why I have a short fuse. Why I am always ready to attack. Ultimately none of them matter, that is something I know I can try and do something about, so I should. 

I know I don't have an off-switch. If I go, I go. My button gets pressed and we go Defcon-1. Nuclear. Kim Jong Un hasn't got shit on me. BUT, recognising what MAKES ME like that is just as important as trying to change it. 

“Prevention is better than the cure”. 

It’s tough to live by that if you feel like just mentioning you have a headache is going to make people go “oh for fuck sake whats wrong with you NOW”..but keep going. Realising and accepting your triggers is incredibly important. Just as much so as realising that a lot of things can contribute to the bits of you that are shitty. We’ve all got shitty bits, some are just more prominent. 

You aren't a bad person if your flaws are losing your temper or jumping to conclusions. They are flaws that make you, you. Just try and manage them better.

It is no different from everyday life. If one person is good at something and you aren't, does that mean they are better than you? 

I mean, I can't draw. Like at all. Please don't take that lightly, sometimes i’ve drawn characters on pieces of paper FOR my 3-year-old to laugh at and people have congratulated her on her “brilliant drawings for her age”...weirdly I don't point out I did them.

However, I can write poems and stories in 10-15 minutes that other authors have told me would have taken them years...does that mean I am better than them? Or an illustrator is better than me? Does it bollocks, it means we’re different.

It works the EXACT same way in reverse. Someone elses shitty bits may not be as obvious as yours, but they have them. Look at your loved one now. Right now. You think they’re perfect don't you? Well let me tell you, that person is hiding some stuff if you think they are. Probably a weird fetish. Involving fruit. I digress....

You can’t be perfect. No one is. Stop trying to be, and you’ll be a million times happier. Embrace your flaws and make them into something less crap. If you are in an environment where talking about whats going on in your head creates issues, change your environment. Don't ever EVER stop talking about whats happening inside. Because when what is inside comes outside in an unnatural way...you are bang in trouble. Trust me, I know.

So be you, funny how most of my blogs come back to that, isn’t it? There is a message there. Regardless of what others may want you to be if you arent it already...I probably wouldn't bother.

Have a good one people,

Nic

xx

Hello you.

This isn't particularly long. It's not a poem. And I promise there’s no video of me at the end trying to make words sound more cleverer than they are.

This is a really tiny blog simply to say I have learned WAY more than I wanted to in the last 18 months. We’re all familiar with what happened there. I f**ked up. I went mad. I didn’t deal with my PTSD diagnosis particularly well (insert sarcastic response here) and I am still, 2 years down the line trying to figure out where, how and why this all happened. I'll get there.

However, one thing I have learned, after spending a lot of time speaking to people after my little “don't man up” campaign (went on t’elly) that it's not really hitting home is it?

Its great to post lovely quotes with waterfalls in the background on social media and say “you should always talk if you need to” to people if they’ll listen...but from my experience so far, people are still terrified to talk.

I am still, after everything I did, and have done with the lovely mental health community since, one of them.

SO!

Here are a couple of tips that I have been preaching about and not living by myself. Take them or leave them. I’ve started writing so I’ll finish (Magnus Magnusson get back in your box)

1) Absolutely 100 per cent, without question of any doubt, fuck ANYONE that dismisses your “problem” by insinuating you are hard work. You aren’t. and if you are, who gives a shit. They probably are too. But dealing with mental health is HARD. It will never not be, ever. So best learn to deal with it best you can eh? Surround yourself with people who will back you. Forever. Not just now. FOREVER.

2) You are only as good as your last performance. So be the best you. Every day. Some days that “you” might be a bit crap. If the people you’ve surrounded yourself with cant deal with that, then fuck them too. find new people. There are millions of people in the world that will listen, help and talk to you as a person not some “problem” or hindrance.

3) There is never a “wrong” time to talk. Bollocks to Sunday lunch if you are feeling low enough to not go. If you are worried about “spoiling dinner” because you are “exhausting” then again, find nicer people to eat with next week.

4) Having children does NOT mean you cant have an off day. I love my children more than I can put into words. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. I truly mean that. BUT. Sometimes you cant be climbed all over. Sometimes you need 5 minutes to reign yourself back in because being in control ALL the time when you have to fight to do so is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. So give yourself a break. you arent a piece of shit for needing 5 minutes away from something you love, It doesn't mean you love them any less, it means you have to look after yourself too.

Finally. Because I said this would be short...

FIVE (does anyone else hate that you cant type numbers in capitals?)

LOVE YOU. Literally that simple. I saw an amazing Will Smith thing where he spoke about learning that it wasn't his wifes responsibility to make him happy. It was his. 

It is SO hard to love yourself when your natural instincts tell you to do the exact opposite, but it is so important to stop relying on others to find your smile.

If you spend your life needing and wanting the happiness you crave from another person you will never find it. So do you.

Get a better job, ditch your miserable relationship, take up a hobby, join a gym...INSPIRE YOU.

Whatever that thing is you thought of doing, do it. Even if people around you say don't. Chase whatever it is that makes you happy because it is no one else's job.

K bye.