As a relationship develops with somebody good, you’ll find your self sufficiency less at odds with things: your independent nature will have its place in the way you face the world, not the way you face your dominant. It doesn’t go away, you point it to different places. There is no fight.

I was talking to a friend of mine who had to punish his submissive and he lamented, "I hate inflicting punishment, but it’s part of a Dominant’s responsibility. And sometimes, such as during punishment, that responsibility is just...*heavy*."

And as we talked, I explained that as much as I need comfort after punishment, sometimes I think my partners need it more than I do. I need his forgiveness. I need to know that things are okay between us and I’m still his, still loved, still safe.

But he needs that, too.

The first time I realized it, many years ago, it was a huge lightbulb moment. My partner was quieter than usual and I was worried. Worried that, despite his earlier reassurance, all was not right between us once again. So, after a couple of hours of watching him brood about it, I screwed up my courage and knelt at his feet and gently asked him if there was something we needed to talk about.

He said something that rocked my world. He simply asked me, “Do you know how difficult that was for me?” And I sat back on my heels for a moment, because the answer that came to mind immediately was “No. I don’t.” I realized in that moment how selfish I’d been, thinking only about how *I* felt about being punished, and not about how difficult it had been for *him*, to watch me struggle and struggle and still fail and then have to follow through with the consequence we’d discussed. He loved me and wanted me to be healthy and happy and not only had I disappointed him and broken the rules, but he’d had to do the work of correcting me and putting me back on the path he set *again*.

That’s when I realized he needed my comfort, he needed to know I still loved him, that I appreciated the lengths that he went to - not only to monitor my behavior but to punish me - not because he was angry or disappointed, but because I needed it. I needed his structure and constant adherence to the rules I couldn’t seem to follow on my own. He had to do all of those things and I...I just had to accept it, take it. He had to do something to someone he loved that I expressly did not enjoy. He had to watch me sob my way through it. And he had to hold me when it was over and forgive me.

And realizing that, I crawled up in his lap and held him. I told him how amazing he was and how sorry I was - not for the thing I’d done to deserve the punishment; I’d already apologized for that - but I was ashamed it had taken me so long to see not just the immediate consequences of my behavior, but how much punishing me weighed on him. I told him “thank you”. I told him I loved him.

And I tried to remember, the next time, to make better choices, not just because I didn’t want to be punished. Not just because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want him to have to punish me. I’m not perfect; of course I messed up eventually. But the lesson about taking care of him stayed with me for a long, long time.

Aftercare isn't just for submissives, or for after scenes. Dominants - if you need it, please tell your submissive. It doesn't make you weak or lessen your dominance in any way. Most submissives I know would would practically sell a kidney if that's what it took to comfort their Dominant in need of care.

Yes, yes, you’ve heard it many times - your submission is YOURS to give, or not. You get to choose. I’ll assume that message has sunk in and move on to another application of this sentiment.

Submission doesn’t have to be reserved for a tough, gruff, badass like those portrayed in so many arenas. High protocol is work and though it is idealized, life gets in the way. Small and gentle acts of submission can be deeply meaningful, if they are meaningful to you.

This morning, instead of cuddling, I got up and knelt beside my guys side of the bed and rested my head on his hand. I kissed his hand and smiled up at him, while he was still tucked in and sleepy. His mind shifted from his very high stress job with an impossible-to-please boss to his true being - a leader. A gentle and competent leader who is the master of his environment. I wanted him to feel honored, which is what submission is all about - honoring our Dominant. We talked for a moment and moved on with our morning.

It was informal. It was brief. It was slight. But, because I chose to own the meaning of my act of submission, it was deeply meaningful.

“I want someone who initiates sex every once in a while.”

“I don’t want some doormat with no opinions.”

“I want to be with someone passionate, not submissive.”

I see phrases like this all the time when people reject having a submissive partner. And I’ll admit—once upon a time, I rejected my own submissiveness based on the same misunderstandings. So let me try to clear it up.

When I say I’m submissive, it doesn’t mean I’m a robot awaiting instructions. It doesn’t mean that I’m dormant until a Dominant’s needs and desires activate me. It doesn’t mean that I expect my Dominant to take all the actions while I merely respond. 

I am submissive, but I am not passive. I am strong-willed, passionate, and energetic in pursuit of what fulfills me. 

I initiate sex with my Dominant. It’s different from how a Dominant initiates, but it’s not all that hard to read. I will straddle their lap and nibble their neck and talk about what a needy little girl I am. I will say that I’ve been thinking all day of the way they taste. I will lay their favorite implement on the bed with a sticky note that just says, “Please?” I will strip and kneel, and then I’ll beg for what I crave. 

I have strong sexual desires and needs, and I share them openly. But I don’t dictate what happens or when. And however my Dominant chooses for me to serve, I will pour all my energy into it. I will curl up between their legs for hours, lost in the joy of exploring them. I will moan and whimper and push back against them as they use me. I will ride them as long as my poor cardio fitness holds out. Being submissive does not make me quiet or passive. I am deeply passionate and completely unafraid to show the one who owns me.

And it’s not just in the bedroom. I have strong opinions about what I think is right and how things should be done, and I will 100% make those opinions known. But with the right partner—someone I can trust to put my needs first—I will defer to them on the final decision. With the right partner, I accept that they may make a decision I disagree with, but they won’t make a decision that harms me. And sometimes I do disagree. Vigorously. Sometimes a decision will make me angry enough to want to shoot lasers from my eyeballs. But if I submit to this person, then I trust them to do what’s right for both of us, and for the relationship. So I make my feelings known, and then I actively choose to follow. 

Almost caught me off guard too 😂 did I mind her telling me she wanted me? Not at all. Is this topping from the bottom, or me not being Dominant? Again no. The fact I made her wait when we got home before we did was just me teasing her, but ultimately she got what she craved and ended up a hot red mess; exactly how we both wanted.

I want to watch you gasp as you realize how good it feels

I want to watch the tears well up in your pretty little eyes because of the stinging

I want to feel you squirm underneath me even though you know how futile it is

Being a a man who wants to choke a woman on your cock, and also pull out her chair is not contradictory. Drying her tears when she burns dinner, and wanting to beat her ass with a paddle until she cries, are not contradictory. It’s okay to care about her favorite book, what happened at work, and why she thinks she doesn’t deserve that new sweater. It’s also okay to enjoy that whimpering sound she makes when you pull her hair, and want to smear her makeup with your cock while she edges herself for you. You can hold her when she stubs her toe, and still want to fuck her ass so hard she begs you to stop.

I want someone to hurt me. I like pain, yes. But it's knowing that someone *wants* to hurt me, that my pain arouses them, that they are pleased by my suffering. That's the sexiest thing.

Tell me that I make cute noises when you hit me.

Tell me that my tears make turn you on.

Tell me that I'm so pretty when I'm afraid.

Sometimes, pin me down or tie me up so that I can't escape the torture.

Sometimes command me to take it using my own discipline to stay still.

Give me the opportunity to prove my devotion by suffering for you.