Laura-jane

I have had such bad luck with relationships in the past few years, choosing boys who are clearly emotionally unavailable or have substance abuse problems or just don’t appreciate me, for instance my most recent failure was with we’ll call him Dave, so Dave chased me for over a year we were friends and he said he liked me the whole time we were friends so I decided to give the relationship a go. It started off great we always got on as friends but the romantic/sexual side of it just wasn’t there so I decided to call time on the relationship. The FIRST thing this boy said to me when I ended it was that he better give me the money I owed him back, for a guy that had apparently liked me for over a year and “chased” me that was the first thing he was bothered about when we broke up which made me feel I had made the right decision to end the relationship, however I still felt upset about the fact that was the only thing he was concerned about. He was a year younger than me and very immature. Then there was the relationship before that with we’ll call him Nathan, that was the worst relationship I had ever been in, he was controlling, emotionally abusive, nasty and just an all round unpleasant human being, however he was sometimes nice and I could see there was good in him somewhere but he had a lot of issues and was quite damaged. I tried to change who he was and we just became really bitter and argumentative towards each other and the relationship ended very badly. Both these relationships ending so badly has taken a toll on me, I now have this perspective of myself that I’m simply not worthy of having a decent relationship, I don’t understand what’s wrong with me? I like to think I’m a good person with a decent heart who looks out for the people close to me. So this makes me ponder, am I destined to end up in a relationship with a horrible man, even boys that I like always seem to prefer someone over me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really wish I could make sense of it because it baffles me. Or maybe I simply accept these pathetic excuses for relationships because that’s the only love I feel I deserve, like in perks of being a wallflower the teacher says “we accept the love we think we deserve” so maybe I need to start having a higher opinion of myself and stop being bothered by all these apparent “happy” couples on instagram and facebook because I suppose it’s better to be alone than be in a relationship simply for the sake of it.

So I’ve challenged myself to do sober October this year and I’ve been sober for 2 weeks now and I have to say it has been the best decision I could have ever made, it has not been without it’s challenges, the first weekend I thought I was going to crumble.. however once I got past that I feel so full of energy and I’m no longer wasting the day after in my bed ALL day. I’ve joined the gym and I’m keeping active at least 2-3 times a week, also I’ve began meditating when I can which is very calming and de-stressing. For someone who used to go out 3-4 times a week to staying in at the weekend is a huge deal and a great personal accomplishment. I’ve also found that I’ve grown in confidence and realized I don’t need alcohol to be interesting/funny because I am without alcohol, so in future I won’t always feel the need to drink alcohol at events or when socializing. I’m having a much better sleep every night and my skin is a lot clearer as a result of drinking more water. Also, I’ve lost some weight ((not that I needed too)) however it’ a nice bonus. However,  I’m only halfway through my challenge so I still have a while to go and a party next weekend which will be a real hurdle to see if I can attend an event without drinking. As well a this I hope to start doing more things over the next few weeks to challenge myself even more !