Traveling into the Truth

Watch the world and also watch yourself.

Does awareness lead to action??

Moment by moment. Each word, each movement. Watch it, feel it.

Get inside your body and feel the blood flowing, the heart beating.

Attention... On! On! On!

....

What am I saying? What do I want with that? What is the other one going to feel?

What do I feel?

I know that when I am triggered, I lose awareness.

Sadness or overexcitement, both work just the same. They shut down reason. 

It is when one passage of the story takes over the rest and it becomes a relevant weight in reason, impacting decision making. 

Sometimes good, huh? 

I recognize and I treasure those experiences. So much so. 

With your smile and your fullness you flow. 

I love that. That makes me so me. 

I like my power, my adventurousness, my "yes" to life.

How can I still be this fire I love to be, but in a healthier way?

Expectations! That's is the key.

So, what about self control?

Well... let me think about it.

....

I guess, just now (a I write this) I'm experiencing judgement towards a person I don't even know. 

Then comes the reminder that I see the others just like I see me. That reminder questioned my judgement. 

And it change it to compassion.

We all want to be happy, and healthy. We are all living our best stories.

I have a choice which story we follow. How?

Change of perspective, which comes from exposure. 

And curiosity.

More perspectives, more (possible) stories and less attachment to that one story.

Choice?  Of the plot.

What is a story and how are we aware of it? 

"I'm gonna believe that this is happening in this way for .... (whatever reason I chose that it makes sense)" while we also KNOW it is a belief.

Some things are known while there is always some amount of unknown.

......

Self control comes from awareness.

If I know about the motivations for an action, I'm more prone to make a decision of halting it.

Specially if I know I CAN do it. That comes from confidence. 

Can we have confidence without any external feedback ever? 

There is no such a thing of a separate individual. We work in community.

Absorbing and processing what is around us. Then offering back to the universe.  

.....

Self control is Awareness + will

Will is the Qi.

The movement of life.

Sometimes there is strong will. But maybe not enough awareness.

What do we do? Ask for time to think. Take your time to decide. Ask your higher self. 

.....

In this moment, I'm living the observer of my life.

.....

Overwhelming feelings showed me that I'm not aware of my actions and that I'm placing expectations out of my own imagination.

.....

Enjoying my own company as I'm the person that can best take care of myself. And have fun with myself.

I was looking that outside, forgetting that the love and the care and the warmth are with me this whole time.

With me, I have conversations I NEED to have. 

......

Why do I want a relationship?

I don't know. 

Why do you want a relationship?

A chest to lay on.

What do you offer?

My wrapped arms around us

Be honest, spontaneous, give what I can and be responsible for my expectations. 

.....

I will always do my best but I will no longer be attached to the outcomes of it.

...

Can feelings change meanings? 

Yes. Maybe some things that were once pleasant are not pleasant anymore.

Then we re-write the feeling... or the expectation that is attached to it.

The expectation, I think. Because the feeling is just the data that generates the judgement (or the expectation).

Nops. It is not. The feelings come from some sort of body energy-flow. Feelings are in the body.

When we feel, the body has already interpreted the data to some extent. 

The body's algorithms that can be changed too.

I beg to disagree. I don't think we re-write feelings. We just re-write how we see then, which is the expectations (or the judgement).

Do you mean the wording of it?

Like when pain become pleasure? Yes!

.....

Choose your inputs.

Maybe even better. Manage your inputs. 

Receive only the ones that your gut tells you. I think I'm gonna start calling it higher self (sorry Johannes).

I recognize there is a voice. Many in fact.

But only a few come out of the realm of purpose. 

.....

What do I want to be? 

Well... I don't think I have an answer for that right now.

Let's try.

Peace keeper and excitement maker.

I want to know very well what I am talking about when I speak about life and relationships and people.

And show people what I see.

Then learn from them. And spread.

I want to be the hub. But not with too much commitment. 

The butterfly NEEDS to fly.

.......

Adviser fits me perfectly. 

.....

I want to know what I am talking about when I speak about music.

Because I want to share it purposefully. 

I want to make music that comes from my body. 

Dance to move the Qi. Dance to become free. And I want to share that.

Connection with the body. And peace in the mind.

But I also want to feel (and understand) the ancient chants. Music is holy.

I serve music.

....

Freedom to flow is what I give myself now.

To be IN FLOW.

Long showers.

Most of my time is detached to the concept of time.

Productive marathons of writing and music.

And loads of thinking and analyzing and self inquiring. 

.........

How do I feel now? 

I have let go of the schedule to stick to general intentions.

I know the things I want to be doing.

When in doubt (or too high) go back to intentions.

Those things you decided sober to use when you are high (or triggered, or in doubt)

Because they are what you decided you want to be. The intentions are what I want to be doing. They come from the places of joy and excitment.

The motivators for my actions. 

Awareness brings me back to that space of intentions.

And then I do it. And I love it. And I get lost in it. 

And then I answer a message here and there.

And then I put my phone on airplane mode.

And then I produce a bit more of whatever i am doing.

And then I get distracted again.

But that is ok because the creative engine is flowing in the direction you want it to go.

......

Relationships around life and not life around relationships.

Live my life to the fullest and relationships will follow suit.

That is TRUST. Well done for practicing it.

.....

You changed so much in this last year.

So many ups and downs and twists and turns.

Pain. Loads of it.

But the reminder that you still feel it makes me so alive.

Besides the opportunity to question: why do I feel it?

Which person am I being? What is me?

After answering what do I want to be, I am prompted by myself to deal with this even tougher question that just popped in my mind.

(all of this while sitting on the terrace of the standing bar. Sunset over The Truch Bach lake on my left side)

What is me?

Im protected but understood. By myself.

Im moving in between extremes of openness and closeness. Im experimenting with myself to find my boundaries.

I want to feel it. I missed this aliveness.

And “to feel” humbly reminded me that I needed to learn to deal with the "feel".

And I forgot how it can take me over. I forgot my broken hearts when I was a teenager. I forgot how doubt can kidnap my brain and my heart.

And my TIME. 

The constant reminder that the most important thing right now is to follow my purposes (my intentions).  

That is the exact reason why I kept  productive in the toughest times. And I produced sooo much. 

To be in love and to be scared is a polarity that generates so much life energy. And I used it. 

Employed it to purposeful use to the best of my abilities. 

So... are you spacing from this answer?

The truth is that while I'm so "found", I'm lost. But I know I will find the way back to safety.

That is TRUST. Well done!

I know that this trip into myself will only take me to where I want to go. And the person I want to be.

So what about safety?

Interesting question... seems like you know me so well.

I'm only just recently feeling in my body what I have been speaking about for a while: "ground on yourself!"

I have known that was the answer but the feeling of it took much longer to materialize.

Grounding on myself, Im working towards my best self.

And my best self is ready to give. To give to purpose.

You can only give to your best intentions, but you cannot control the outcome. 

Let go of the outcomes. that is the way to let go of the expectations. 

Get comfortable on feelings, feel your body.

Manage your stories.

Better yet, go away from the stories. 

Even though I know you like them, I feel we are ready to move away from the stories. 

.....

Breath in and out.

Now we are back to what you want to be, right?

Present moment is moving. In fact, it doesn't even mathematically exists.

...

Remember you made the choice to not wear headphones and, instead, participate in the sounds of the environment.

Music on the background, chit chats in three tables. 

.....

Be awake. Be aware. Know your urges, watch them, talk to them.

Reason with the urges. They want to speak.

....

Mischievous, playful. For the fun of it.

Cross eyes intently.

.....

New faces? Where are they?

I want something out of my bubble.

Lets listen to this. 

What are they going to complain about?

Maybe they aren't.

They work for BUV. Judgement: bang! 

Obnoxious. This tone of voice. bleh

Keep listening and observing yourself.

Or detach from it. Can you?

....

Maybe thinking (and writing) about Hanoi is a more meaningful way to spend my mental time than judging how other people speak.

But that is all I can listen.

Because we are here and I am writing about it. 

They are talking about a kettle.

2 million? Im not understanding.

I think they are talking about coffee.

"he puts milk in his coffee" 

"and I dont drink tea" 

I'm still listening and my judgement of disdain is still high.

Why do I feel this way? Because I was there in their space. I'm still there. That feeling of saying whatever in a group of friends and trying to show off.

Something I don't like on myself projected on them. Bang.

......

The thoughts about him are becoming rarer and rarer. 

Sometimes strong emotional (illusion driven) memories come and then I thank them and then I wrap the stories in bubble wrap.

The images get tighter and tighter. Immobile. Distorted, at times. 

A good trick for me. It works.

They come back sometimes [the memories] but now they are immobile. And less relevant.

My way to out of infatuation. 

The amount of illusion is so high that there is no reason to keep the memories that generated the illusion.

Like he said: ‘what about the unknown in this situation? which was surely much bigger than the known’.

When in illusion, there is little recognition of the unknown.

.....

As I am free on any possibility of hope now that we are clear, what is left inside me?

That is the interesting trip to be taken. Alone.

It is like I am claiming back my space that it was somewhat taken from me.

And who let it be taken? You.

....

That laugh... that i know so well...

And also despise in myself...

Aversion.

....

I'm now in the background of their lives.

We are together but we are not.

They exist only in my imagination and... I certainly existed on theirs too.

.......

When does it become real??

......

The feeling I had in my relationship with Johannes was of plain safety and niceness.

Ever so real. Lingering through time, as safe as I know safety to be. Perennial

When there were light touches of disappointment, those were followed by long hugs of mutual understanding.

Way more hugs than disappointment.

And that is gone and I accept it but I also miss it.

And it is beautiful but it is also sad that THAT is gone. THAT is gone.

What is THAT? THAT is a segment in space and time that has ceased to exist in the same way as we live and die.

Everyday.

The nostalgia becomes gratitude and the TRUST that the possibilities are infinite.

......

The present moment is beautiful and it is sad.

But it follows purpose. And it is one of the richest moments of my life. 

In a long time.

Feelings generate aliveness. 

.....

I'm also grateful for the present moment while I am letting this all out in this beautiful internal dialogue. 

....

Why is the time so important?

To develop the thoughts. Space to organize them.

Will my fear just grow with time?

No. Fear comes from ignorance.  

......

Be aware and awareness takes nurturing.

....

Jealousy. 

Instead: what can I learn from them?

It is not about power.

What is yours, will be yours. You own no one. And no thing.

....

 And how do we connect with others.

We invite them to be part of your adventure.

Agree on the terms.

Collaborate

......

***Me, you, yours I, we, ours, mine and us have been used to refer to myself. The choices where interchanged as it pleased me. But perhaps would be good to analyze my unconscious relationship with myself through the usage of words. 

***They, him, he are about specific other people. 

*** After I wrote I copy and pasted into google translator and had the voice reading it for me. It was like listening to the conversation in my own head. Strongly recommended experience.

As times goes by I watch my memories lose their bright

Smiles, smells and sensations, pieces of the puzzle of my life

Slowly we move towards the absence of everything:the colors, the music, the jokes

Nothing lasts besides the darkness

May I appreciate the reality of my own truth in each infinitesimal space of time

May the certainty of the darkness inspire me to make wise choices

May I become the history I'd be proud to read about

JUNE 23, 2015

This is an essay about emotions, how much they affect the way we see the world today and how our memories are those emotions.

Hypothesis: Your truth is what you see through the “sunglasses” you  wear. 

“We can’t even tell that the yellow you know is the same I know”. 

Information comes through the senses and it is processed, be it in the brain, the heart or the bones. This process filters and give meaning to this information, what I call here the sunglasses. This means that when you change your emotional state, your view upon the world changes accordinly. 

The truth is yours and what you see it’s particular to you. 

That doesn’t mean that a random person right by your side is running a very similar thought process, that is what we call connection.

(Self)Experimentations:

Method:  I decided to (very biasedly) analyze my memories in the search of proofs to my theory.

Disclaimer: I know this is not how one should run experiments but Im cool to not follow the rules as Im talking about my own truths. 

Evidences:

I remember once I was a kid and the art teacher requested a free drawing (guess it was one of those days they forgot to prepare the class). After some thinking I decided I wanted to draw the wind. And there it was, trees moving and the hair of the girl all the way to one side. I was 11. I thought it was an amazing idea and I still do. I was proud of myself. I can still feel this awe.

There was another time I asked my mom:  “How do I know that I am myself? I’m not sure because sometimes I feel like I am you or aunty x”. I honestly didn’t know then and I still have this feeling of not being myself from time to time.

Santa Claus used to come to my grandma’s house and I remember well how excited I used to get with the anticipation of his visit. I remember the profound respect and the love I had for him. He was just this amazing dude. I can still feel that love.

Later on I had my first love in 4th grade and I was rejected. My classmates laughed at me. I remember the shame and the feeling that I wanted to disappear.

In India, I had amazing feelings of freedom. I could let myself go and do whatever I felt like without judgments of others or my own. I can still recall the heart beat.

Every time I think about the music Radical face – welcome home sun I see a sunrise on a green field.

Those are some of the emotions that defined these memories, my own sunglasses.

My personal Conclusions: 

I remember, not with my brains but with the shivering through my body. I remember through heaviness on my back or fire in my stomach. I remember with a smile or a heavy heart.

If the feelings are subjective as they say … Then I realized that my whole life  still only exist in me today as something I call here emotions.

Unconcluded results: Do you feel the same way?

Once upon a time in southern Laos, June 2015.  Motorbike trip, waterfall hunting. 

We drove through a dirt road, got to the parking lot.  After that, we climbed a bit to reach the lookout spot. Nobody there, that is the first thing I noticed. Peaceful. 

We looked closer, what a disappointment.  It was dry season.

We sat and lighted a joint. I stared at the few drops falling while I took a few drags. After some time in this trance, stoned, I suddenly noticed the formation of the rocks on the wall behind the falls. I saw the grass, infant still, growing everywhere in between the rocks. Shiny green, so much alive, as if feeling the world for the first time.

Cycles of summer and winter, dry and wet seasons. Birth and death. 

This time the rocks and the grass had a chance to be seen.  Behind the scenes was now suddenly exposed, beautiful in its uniqueness.

Interdependent coexistence. 

To live and to die are just two states of the matter. A point of view. Perspective.

However, there must be more than that. Humans have gone beyond physics when ideas became a thing. Ideas have their own lifetime dynamic. Some last longer than others. 

Me, myself, I'm composed of a collection of those ideas, some born from my own experiences, some others I’ve learned from listening to the tales told by the common folk. 

In myself watch the changes and the waves in me. The new ideas that replace older ones. Cycle of birth and death. 

As I lose the skin of the snake, I feel closer to death. Unprotected, unrecognizable. There is fear that all can be lost at that moment. 

I remained alive.  I breath

Not all was lost. 

Eternal love, to me, is a reference to the PAST, not the FUTURE. 

I find the sentence “I’m gonna love you forever” to be empty, shallow. It sets expectations and a commitment that needs to be honoured by “future you”, someone that will be certainly different than you are today.  

However, I do believe that love can last forever. 

This means that, far ahead up there in the future, we might look back at this long sequence of moments where there was love and say:

   “I have loved you forever”

Pleasure, Touch, and The Wheel of Consent – with Betty Martin 

I usually have a hard time to connect to past pictures of me. The issues is with the identification of myself. It feels like the picture depicts someone I'm close and I know well, but it is not me.

Today I had my first drum lesson. We started with the djembe. Mine doesn’t sound very good, the teacher noted. But his was beautiful, pristine. 

However, at the stage I am at this point, I am only able to concentrate on my fingers and try to perform uniform movements. 

Muscle memory, is what I am going for. Currently.

I felt the excitement of a child, trying to do something that I really suck at. The feeling of having no idea. Very much out of my comfort zone. 

I wonder this plain silly excitement will last. But in any case, it is nice to register this feeling of innocence that I feel today. 

On a side note, the cool thing of learning as an adult (perhaps to balance out our preconceived ideas) is that I can ask questions that can help me to learn better. I mean, better than I remember myself as a child. For example, I was able to ask exact questions about the finger positions and the arm movement.  

Maybe the idea of agency on my learning is what makes it different now than how I felt as a child. I think.