poison oak

By the way he touched me, I knew it would hurt when he left me.

So you attempt to hide your loneliness in public, to behave, in fact, as though you have too many friends already, and thus you hope to attract people who will unwittingly save you. But it never works that way. Your condition is written all over your face, in the hunch of your shoulders, in the hollowness of your laugh. You fool no one.

You’re not a teenage girl but you feel the heat rising off these boys. Their eyes when you enter the classroom: lowered flame; the body curves. And when you lean across a desk to whisper good, you smell their necks. That animal distancing itself—but not too far; still innocent. The sharp cologne they wear says men to you, says: almost men. You think they have doused themselves for your sake; you straighten, swoon at their intent. At any moment they could strike the match of touch, they are that close. Boys, you tell yourself, they’re only boys. And toss your head. You’re thinking of wild horses, how the world will murder them.

I understand the gravity of a train from the empty space and warm afterbirth air of recent loss which I encounter when I run down to the platform 30 seconds too late. It is the same with all things of such weight - to know them best when you have just missed them.

You do this, you do. You take the things you love and tear them apart or you pin them down with your body and pretend they’re yours.

Once you have feelings for someone it will always be there. You may not like them anymore, but you still care.

I cannot remember the books I’ve read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.

I thought she was sleeping until I heard her call out from across the room, “Will you bring me a glass of water?” I did. Then in her always-sleepy tone and drawl she said, “Do you remember when you were a little boy and you would ask your mama to bring you a glass of water?” Yeah. “You know how half the time you weren’t even thirsty. You just wanted that hand that was attached to that glass that was attached to that person you just wanted to stay there until you fell asleep.” She took the glass of water that I brought her and just sat it down full on the table next to her. Wow, I thought. What am I gonna do with love like this.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

If you can just stop loving her then you never really loved her at all. Love doesn’t work that way. If you ever truly love someone, then it never goes away. It can become something else. There are all different sorts of love. It can even become hate—a thin line and all that—and, really, hate is just another kind of caring.

TO-DO LIST FOR THE DEPRESSED 1). Wash your sheets, change your pillow case, wash your blankets. Wash away all the days you’ve spent withering in bed crying. Wash the tears off your pillowcase. Wash away the sad skin cells. Wash away the darkness. 2). Take a shower today. Brush your teeth. Make yourself a good breakfast and remind yourself that you deserve to eat. Dress to impress— yourself. Do whatever makes you feel put together, even if you’re not leaving the house. 3). Water your plants and remind yourself that you love them even though they’re not growing quickly. The same should go for yourself. 4). Feed your pets and remind yourself that there will be no one to love them if you commit suicide. Know that there is no one your cat purrs louder around and there is no one your dog’s face lights up for but you. 5). Return all the things you’ve been meaning to return. Return the clothes that make you feel fat. Return the clothes that make you feel ugly. Return your sick clothes. Throw them away if you need to. Let go if you need to. Cry if you need to and remember why you kept them for so long, but know that it is okay to let them go now. Return your cynicism to the cold boy who taught you it was better to love nothing. Make him feel how warm your heart is now without him. 6). Get new curtains. Close them. Close your eyes. Open them. Pull away the curtains. Let yourself reminded that there may be things in life you can’t control, but how much light enters your room is something you can control. The same can be said for your soul. You decide how much light you let in. You decide how many people you let in. You decide how many people you let help you. You decide how you love and who you love. Let that sink in for a moment. 7). Let yourself float in water. You only drown when you panic. Lie on your back and relax. Even on days when you can’t function, remind yourself that all you have to do is float. As long as you are breathing, you are alive.