trans Sammy headcanons

Sam tries to be himself with confidence, but sometimes he’s reminded of his curves that aren’t gone yet (he’s on hormones, but fat redistribution takes FOREVER) and his binder feels tight when he moves. He’s not supposed to wear it when they could possibly encounter a monster during a hunt, because fighting and running with a binder on can be awful and potentially damaging, but that doesn’t keep him from being dysphoric about the sports bra he wears instead. After a long day he still has Dean though. Dean understands. He buys Sam a beer when he wants one or leaves him alone when he needs it, but Sam knows that if he wants to talk, Dean will listen. And sometimes he just needs a hug.

Sam needs a while to figure herself out. At first she think she’s just a trans girl and she’s happy with that, only to freak out once she don’t exactly feel that way anymore. All of a sudden trans girl isn’t a label that fits right and doesn’t describe her perfectly. Sam begins to fear she’s been faking all along and dad was right about it being just a phase, but when she talks to Dean about it, the older brother doesn’t exactly understand, but he’s supportive. Dean helps Sam research some other identities until she finds something that fits, because Sam definitely isn’t a guy either. Nonbinary feels good to Sam. Demigirl maybe. She’s not sure if she might be genderfluid, but that’s okay. With Dean’s support, Sam doesn’t mind not knowing 100% how to label herself. Sam needs a while to figure herself out and she still didn’t fully come to a conclusion, but she’s happy with it and that’s the important part.

Over the course of their puberty and even into their twenties Sam always asks themself the same questions. “What if I’m just faking?” “What if I’ll change my mind and I’m actually cis?” “What if dad was right and this is just a phase?” “Am I even trans enough?” Sam doesn’t hate their body, not really. It’s not perfect and Sam would like it to be different, shorter, more feminine, but they can live with what they’ve got. Some days they don’t want anyone to look at them, knowing that they’d just question Sam because they don’t make enough of an effort to transition and skirts just look unusual on such a giant body. The questions never really stop, but eventually Sam learns how to answer them for themself. They’re not faking. And it’s fine if they’ll change their mind about labels, that doesn’t mean what they feel right now is wrong. Being nonbinary is just as trans as having a trans identity that fits the binary. Sam knows that maybe there is always going to be a little bit of doubt, but they’re happy and patient with themself. And that’s what really counts.

Being nonbinary isn’t exactly easy for Sam. They realised rather late in life, not knowing that they could be anything but male or female. They always felt wrong, out of place, as if they couldn’t quite relate to other people and being called “he” and a man left a sour taste in their mouth. Being the nerd they are, they eventually stumbled across it during research though and suddenly the world made a lot more sense. At first, Sam didn’t think that was what they were. Or at least they didn’t wanted to accept it yet, a concept so foreign that they hadn’t heard about it for most of their life. Eventually Sam came to terms with it though and the day when they looked into the mirror and told themself “I, Sam Winchester, am nonbinary,” fully realising that this described them perfectly, was one of the best days in their life.