we coulda still had something good. we really coulda. but at this point my heart is. healed, actually. i don’t want her anymore. i want to make amends and be friends again, yeah, but the fairy tale shit is….. i don’t fuckin wanna be a knight in shining armor. that was never my fantasy. i want *my* knight in shining armor. i want *my* prince charming to come save me from my secluded castle. i wanna be the princess. i hate being the knight. especially when i’m forced into that role. and i wasn’t ready to talk about how fraught our relationship has always been either but i know it would’ve been a lot fuckin easier to facilitate that shit if we’d taken one look at that shit and went “let’s just embrace it” and fetishized the hell out of it to mutually cope. instead we got some kind of. hellish heteronormative hyperrepressed thing. so like no wonder we weren’t able to get it up we were both fucking terrified of hurting each other and i was doing fifty times the emotional labor for her but actually having someone genuinely goddamn try at ALL for me and try to actually fucking put the damn charm on me and fucking romance me for once was like . holy shit you have no idea what a step up that was from everything i ever had before. you have no idea. i dated nothing but duds before and got nothing but hollow promises after.

….. but i’m tired of thinking about what ifs at this point. it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. i’m at peace with it. genuinely at this point if she comes back i’m gonna ask to be friends and try to discourage the relationship bit cuz i just. i want something else now. specifically i’m tired of being pushed into a masculine role in relationships. i wanna be the girl. i wanna be the healer. i wanna be protected. i’m still not a girl but i just. i’m tired of being forced to wear the pants. maybe i wanna wear skirts now. maybe i wanna be the one who gets princess carried. maybe i like being submissive. maybe it’s obviously fucking mana who’s the dominant one and i’m super fucking insulted she rejected her so resolutely when half the fuckin shit she wanted me to do was shit she’d be more than fuckin happy to do but nooooooo you gotta call her scary you gotta turn away from her when she just wants to draw you all the time you gotta act all overprotective of me when i actually wanna fuck her brains out and i know better than anyone else in this goddamn system her dick is the best in the fucking game and if you ain’t gonna suck it good god am i not gonna wait around that dick is MINE bitch. FUCK you.

…… i think i had a point somewhere and then i just started venting and then i got distracted thinking about my brother’s dick again . anyway

which. no disrespect to the mask, the status quo works, i understand. but you know change isn’t that scary when you consider everything else it could change in your life. you’re so miserable and trapped with people you hate and have no social mobility because you’re stuck in a place where your disability controls you instead of being with someone who has the fucking capacity to help you achieve some financial independence instead of just playing emotional babysitter all day or worrying about the drama of the week or maintaining an up to date dni criteria or making sure your eyes are fucking glued to the news because it’s morally wrong to need a break from hearing about the horrors of the current political climate or going about the same tired routines or having a love that probably hasn’t satisfied you in a long time just because it’s all safe. stagnancy is safe. routine is safe. doesn’t matter if change would open up the world to you. doesn’t matter if stagnancy is boring. doesn’t matter if i clearly love you more and want to love you better. you’re safe and you’re comfortable and you’re happy enough. you don’t need to be more happy, right? you don’t even think you deserve it probably. but you do. i don’t think you deserve to stay in that stagnant place. i don’t think you deserve to remain under your parents’ thumb the rest of your life. i don’t think you deserve to never get to be in the spotlight. i don’t think you deserve subpar love.

i think we deserve to shine together. i think we deserve to let this love blossom together. i think we both deserve a love that blooms with the glory of every flower on earth. i think it deserves to be made real. i don’t want to fantasize forever. i want it to be real. it only seems like a big leap because you’ve been stuck where you are so long. i didn’t want to change either but i was forced and i’m so glad i was. and you helped me, even though it hurt. let me help you. let me return the favor, but not make it hurt so much this time hopefully. or as much as i’m able. come over to the side of the fence where we don’t hide in victim mentality forever and we start taking control of our lives back. come over here where you’re loved like there’s no tomorrow. just come here and let me love you already. i’m tired of waiting. i don’t want someone else to come sweep me off my feet for you to realize you really want me because you’ll be seething with jealousy, just get over here already. this sucks. this sucks, doesn’t it?? it could stop sucking with one conversation. it would be so easy. just one leap into the unknown and i’ll take it from there. let me lead you to glory. i just need your hand and i’ll guide you. it won’t be that scary at all. you won’t have to worry about it being scary because you’ll be too busy being loved on. so why wait? why keep me waiting?

but like i don’t want him to do that except in theory bc even though prison wife memes are so fucking funny i just. i wanna be with him. i miss every day i’m apart from him. lately even when i pray about something else i have to include something about him because it feels wrong not to. i don’t wanna just yearn and dream about him or hope i bump into him or pray for someday, i want to be with him right fucking now. i’m so impatient. i miss him so much. i can’t stand it. making the decision to just focus on him backfired on me in that regard the most. the waiting makes me so upset. i can’t tolerate having to wait longer than it’s already gonna be. i just want him in my arms now.

i want to slow dance with him in the kitchen. i want to walk on a secluded beach and hold hands and pick up shells together and talk about everything. i want to listen to him yap about everything and nothing. i want to take him to every concert he wants to go to. i want to buy him all the clothes he wants and dress him up. i want to have cute little whiny arguments about how much he gets to gps track me. i want rub his back while he cries. i want to run my hands through his hair while he sleeps in my arms. i want to kiss his forehead. i want to be there for him. i want to be his safe place. i want to be his rock. i want to be his one healthy, certain anchor in this cruel world. i want to ferry him away from everything horrible. including everyone i can’t stand in my life. i don’t wanna think about old drama, i don’t need that big of an apology, i only really need an explanation and a confirmation of how much of my interpretation of whatever the fuck that bullshit was was right. but i really just don’t care, i wanna skip to the good part. i just wanna be with him. i don’t wanna make him drop anybody he doesn’t want to drop. i don’t wanna take him away from anything he loves. i love him. i want him to be as happy as he can. i want to be the one who makes him happy. selfishly, i want that happiness to come partially from what i can give him. from the love i can give him. from the words i want to say. from the things i want to gift him. from the acts of service i want to do for him. from the time i want to spend with him. which is forever, by the way. i don’t see how he could get rid of me when i’m still this obsessed.

……… i don’t want to reach out again. i don’t want to get my heart broken again. but it breaks every night we’re still not reunited. i want to be reunited again so bad. i want him here. i want him by my side. i can’t stand being apart. i can’t accept the thought we might never be reunited. i can’t accept the thought he might actually hate me and not be putting on an act to save face or keep his stupid shitty fiancé who’s never gonna have a ceremony and if he does it’s gonna suck ass and he’s gonna invite his parents and it’s gonna be awful and his dress is only gonna be like a few hundred dollars at most and i wanna get him some several grand fucking tailor made masterpiece to wear i wanna book a huge venue and just have me and him and a rabbi and our pets as witnesses and i wanna dance all night and i wanna get married fucking tomorrow if he wants and i just.

… i get so carried away.

how can i not. he’s perfect. he’s precious to me. i can’t stop seeing him that way. no matter how hopeless, i can’t unsee the hope. i can’t unsee the love. no matter what manipulation on my heartspace i endure, i won’t let anyone convince me or any of my alters or especially him that i’ve moved on and i don’t care anymore. it’s just not true. yes, we try to be good to ourselves these days, but part of that means not denying how we feel. and i know this feeling is true. i’ve tested it a hundred times. i know what i want. i want him.