Gay Disaster™️

2023 alectopause: you know it's ok we can wait. i got some fics to write

2024 alectopause: here is 30,000 words on how john's characterization as emperor and lyctorhood interplays with colonialism, imperialism, sexual assault, and misogyny, featuring a full bibliography, a reading list, and peer reviewed by three mutuals

2025 alectopause: gideon would not fucking say that

gideon is like a solid 115/65

camilla is 100/60

palamedes is 100/60 only because he drinks a lot of water to make sure it stays normal

coronabeth is 120/79 because i think she's a little stressed

ianthe is 95/65 and its only that high because she's tall. orthostatic but tries not to make a big deal of it

dulcie is probably like 80/40, DEF orthostatic

augustine is 150/90 due to smoking and being annoying. hypertension georg

mercymorn is 135/85 purely due to stress

g1deon and pyrrha are 125/70 due to smoking and also stress

nona is like 105/65 because cam and pal make her drink water

pash is 110/70

- a pair of military officers who try to be bullies and fail spectacularly because Camilla is just too awesome

- twins who probably aren't fucking each other but you can't say for sure. and also Babs is there too i guess but who even cares about Babs

- two actual children

- a charming diplomat and a kickass historian who get murdered for being too good at history

- a brilliant necromancer and scholar and a badass swordswoman who love each other more than life itself

- a myriad-old super necromancer who's coaplaying as said scholar's former situationship and her walking corpse

- a guy whose main character trait is "hates the protagonists because basically racism" whose magic speciality is soul siphoning and his nephew who was expressly born and trained to have his soul repeatedly stolen

- a three apples tall, stick-thin war crime who definitely has only the most platonic of feelings for her cavalier and a masc lesbian who just learned that girls can be nice to her and also has only the most platonic of feelings for her necromancer

AND FOR THAT I’LL MAKE YOU BOTH SUFFER UNTIL YOU NO LONGER UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THAT GODDAMNED WORD

HIM I’LL KILL QUICK BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME TO AND BECAUSE THAT MUCH HE HONESTLY DESERVES BUT YOU TWO MUMMIFIED WIZARD SHITS I WILL BURN AND BURN AND BURN AND BURN UNTIL THERE IS NO TRACE OF YOU LEFT IN THE SHADOW OF MY LONG-LOST NATAL SUN.

WILL REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU KISSED ME—YOU APOLOGISED—YOU SAID, I AM SORRY, DESTROY ME AS I AM, BUT I WANT TO KISS YOU BEFORE I AM KILLED, AND I SAID TO YOU WHY, AND YOU SAID, BECAUSE I HAVE ONLY ONCE MET SOMEONE SO UTTERLY WILLING TO BURN FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVED IN, AND I LOVED HIM ON SIGHT, AND THE FIRST TIME I DIED I ASKED OF HIM WHAT I NOW ASK OF YOU

I KISSED YOU AND LATER I WOULD KISS HIM TOO BEFORE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU WERE, AND ALL THREE OF US LIVED TO REGRET IT—BUT WHEN I AM IN HEAVEN I WILL REMEMBER YOUR MOUTH, AND WHEN YOU ROAST DOWN IN HELL I THINK YOU WILL REMEMBER MINE

THE ONLY THING OUR CIVILIZATION CAN EVER LEARN FROM YOURS IS THAT WHEN OUR BACKS ARE TO THE WALL AND OUR TOWERS ARE FALLING ALL AROUND US AND WE ARE WATCHING OURSELVES BURN 

WE RARELY BECOME HEROES.