i like a lot of stuff

I had a nervous breakdown. And I tried to kill myself. There were a lot of reasons and triggers, from my constant battle with PTSD and depression, to some personal family tragedies, and even some of the thoughtlessly cruel words of others.

i've been trying to force myself to immediately return to okay. For anyone who has any familiarity with how severe and debilitating a nervous breakdown can be, it's pretty fucking obvious why setting my goal that high was only setting myself up to fail and feel like a failure.

I'm still not okay, I don't know when I'll be okay. My therapist is very supportive and I'm fighting with everything I have. I want to update my fics and draw more frequently but it's been very difficult for me to even look at that stuff without triggering the anxiety around the breakdown. While none of my writing or art was in any way responsible for my breakdown, since I was extremely prolific at the time, it hurts. Also some of the negative attention I received that helped trigger my breakdown was from those who strongly disliked my work. That along with mounting guilt about my inability to write, read, or draw also makes it difficult to think about without feeling panic. I’m scared of the memories, I’m scared of a relapse, and I’m scared of disappointing others.

I've decided to stop trying to force myself to be magically better overnight. Every time I return I try to force the energy and cheer I had before I broke down and it only increases my stress.

I love my stories and of courses I'll continue them when I can. I'm so sorry to all the people I've kept waiting and all the people I don't have the energy to talk to. I don't know when I'll be okay but I know it's not healthy to rush myself.

Normally I would want to keep this information as private as possible but the guilt over my continued absence has eaten away at me to an extent that I don't know how to proceed forth without addressing it and explaining myself. This is an entirely self-indulgent selfish post to explain why I can't just jump back into it. If I’m able to post at all it will probably be inconsistently.

If you've felt ignored by me, please understand that I'm not ignoring anyone; I haven't even had the energy to speak to even my closest friends lately. I'm in a pretty fucking dark place rn and if you catch me, that's probably because I'm on a good day among a sea of very bad days.

If I’m not particularly energetic or happy to talk, it’s not because I’m mad or because I don’t like you. I’m struggling rn and I hope you can understand why it’s difficult for me. I’m struggling but I’m going to try to stop pushing myself so hard.