You Tickle Me, Emo

Roman and Logan

Remus and Janus

Virgil and Patton

Kai and Elliott

"What are you up to, sombra?" Remus asks in groggy amusement as he slowly sits up. There's no need to be quiet, Janus sleeps like the dead. 

"Had a nightmare," Elliott's small voice cuts through the darkness. 

"Was it so exciting you can't sleep?" The sound of sniffles and small hiccups alert Remus that this isn't the case at all and suddenly Remus is very awake. He holds his arms out and helps Elliott up onto the bed and instantly Elliott is clinging to him tightly. Their body shakes as they sob and Remus can feel their tears soaking through his shirt but he doesn't care at all as he protectively wraps one arm around Elliott and reaches over to shake Janus awake with the other. 

Janus stirs awake with a groan and tries to turn over away from Remus, but Remus grabs Janus' arm to stop him. Janus huffs and finally opens his eyes. "Remus, why-" 

"A nightmare, Janus. Not a good one." 

Just like his husband was, Janus is now very awake. He hears Elliott's cries and immediately sits up and adjusts himself so he's sitting closer to Remus. "Oh, darling, what happened?" 

"I had to go back to Mommy and Daddy but I didn't want to. I wanna stay here with you, but they wouldn't let me!" Elliott wails. The feeling of his child shaking in his arms both breaks Remus' heart and enrages him. Anger towards Elliott's birth parents, anger towards them fighting for custody and preventing him and Janus from finally adopting Elliott. Heartbreak at how distressed they've made Elliott. 

"You don't have to go back," Remus assures them. His voice is uncharacteristically soft. 

"I want to stay with you forever," Elliott sniffs. Remus and Janus' hearts melt and Janus reaches over to rub Elliott's back to help comfort them. 

"You can, we'll make sure of it," Janus says softly. Elliott's sobs have quieted down now but tears still stream down their face. As the three of them sit in silence Elliott reaches over and grabs one of Remus' hands. They run their small fingers over Remus' calloused fingertips and over the scars littered across his skin. They look back up to Janus and Remus, still teary eyed and their lip is still quivering. 

"I wish you could be my daddies," they whimper. Remus and Janus practically melt. 

"Oh, Elliott," Remus says with a voice full of adoration, "we can be if you want us to." This makes Elliott finally smile. 

"Really?" 

"Of course. We're Kai's dads and we'd love to be yours, too," Janus tells them.

"Will Kai be my brother?" 

"He will," Remus assures them. 

Elliott's smile grows. "Kai calls you Pops." 

"That's right." 

"Papa," Elliott decides. Remus pulls Elliott into such a tight hug that Elliott squeals with laughter. "You're squishing me!" They manage to say through their laughing. When Remus finally lets go Janus takes the opportunity to scoop Elliott up and hold them in his lap. Elliott happily looks up at Janus with a wide smile that already has that charming Addams manic-ness to it. "You're Daddy!" 

"I'm so honored, darling," Janus says before kissing Elliott's forehead and hugging them as well. Remus wraps his arms around both Janus and Elliott, squishing them both and making Janus yelp and Elliott squeal again. Remus finally lets go and Janus holds back a yawn. "Well, as your daddy I say it's time to go back to bed." 

Elliott looks at their dads. "Can I sleep here?" 

Remus hesitates for a moment. The gesture almost feels too saccharine, it's not something he or Roman did as kids with their parents, but now that his own child is asking the idea of saying no is out of the question. "If that's what you want," he says. Remus then looks at Janus with a shit eating grin. "Move over, Daddy." 

"Remus, don't," Janus huffs in exasperation and rolls his eyes, but he does scoot over to make room in the middle for Elliott. 

Elliott happily settles in between their fathers and once they're nestled and comfy Janus presses a kiss to their forehead and Remus playfully pokes them, earning one final giggle before Remus lies back down to go to sleep. Janus, however, can no longer sleep. He sits with his back against the headboard, staring down at his husband and their youngest child. Elliott had been so afraid at the prospect of going back to their birth parents, no doubt the fear was exacerbated by today's court hearing. Janus is getting tired of waiting, tired of going through all these hoops and hurdles because of those two incompetent fools. Something has to be done, and it seems Janus will have to take matters into his own hands. 

────────

Sharon has a headache. Getting custody of Elliott back was supposed to be easy. They're a good family with good morals and good standards. Losing custody of their youngest son has been a nightmare and a stain on their reputation. Some of the people at church look at her and her husband differently now, though some members understand what they've done. Elliott is going through a phase and that phase needs to be stopped sooner than later. He's just a confused child and he needs to be steered in the right direction, though he hasn't made that easy. Every time Sharon reminded him he was a boy, that it was not his place to wear his sister's dresses or try her nail polish, he had burst into tears even though she thought surely he would've gotten it through his head by now. To think this was the child they gave the legacy name of Herbert Jr. 

As Sharon places a kettle on the stove so she can make some tea for her headache she notices a car in the driveway that doesn't belong to her or Herbert. It looks vintage and expensive. A bang from the front door makes her jump as more loud, aggressive knocks follow. She rushes to the door, if only to make the banging stop, and Herbert appears from his home office looking confused. 

"Can I help y-" she freezes in place when she sees who's on the other side of the door. Janus Addams stands in front of her with Remus Addams standing behind his husband. They both loom over Sharon, and while Janus has a smile on his face it's not friendly. 

"Yes, I believe you can," Janus says before he pushes past her and invites himself into her home. 

"Now wait just a minute-" Herbert starts to protest but Janus ignores him as he walks further in. Remus trails behind him like a dog on a leash as Janus walks into their living room and sits down on one of their couches. Sharon exchanges a glance with her husband before they rush into the living room. "You can't just-" 

"Please, sit. There are things we must discuss." Janus' voice doesn't leave room for argument and Herbert and Sharon sit down on the opposite couch before they even comprehend they've done so. 

Sharon isn't terribly familiar with the Addams family. She's pretty sure they have some children around her oldest son's and daughter's age, but thankfully her children go to private school so they never had to meet the Addams kids. She's heard talk from people at her church who's kids do go to school with the Addams children, though. She used to think the stories about them were greatly exaggerated, but then she finally saw Janus and Remus Addams. It was in court during a custody hearing and she could not believe these were the people her baby was staying with. They look downright evil; Elliott must be so scared. 

"I'm Janus Addams and this is my husband, Remus," Janus introduces even though he surely knows they already know who they are. Faux niceties and polite conversation is a language Sharon knows. She eyes Janus down; despite his bizarre way of dress and his disturbing glare he has the body language of someone raised in a dignified, well bred household. Coming from him, this body language is unnerving and startling. When Sharon looks to Remus he's much less refined. While Janus' posture is straight and poised, Remus leans against his husband and fidgets. His eyes are shifty and dart between Sharon, Herbert, and around the living room. He has the aura of someone unstable. Remus' eyes land and lock onto Sharon, and while Janus has the dignity to keep a fairly neutral expression, Remus is staring down Sharon with narrow eyes and a barely disguised sneer, which he then also gives to Herbert. Remus looks like he's holding back, as though he's a dog restrained on a leash, and Sharon gets the feeling that Janus is the one in hold of the leash and Remus is waiting for the moment Janus lets go. 

Herbert stares down Remus in contempt. "Seems more like a guard dog than a husband." Seems niceties have been abandoned. Remus' lips curl up into a sneer. Janus smiles. 

"Only when he wants to be," Janus says with amusement. 

"Enough with the flattery. We need to talk," Remus huffs. 

The tea kettle shrieks loudly in the kitchen, causing both Sharon and Herbert to jump. Sharon had completely forgotten she was making tea. Habitually she looks to Janus and Remus. The whistling brings her back to her senses, and while it seems her husband has thrown manners out the window Sharon refuses to do the same, at least for now. She is an excellent hostess. "Would you like some tea?" The words escape out of her lips like a robot doing what it's made to do. Mechanical and hollow. 

Remus opens his mouth but Janus, who Sharon recognizes as the more dignified and composed of the two, smiles without any warmth and says "Tea would be lovely" before Remus gets the chance to speak. Remus doesn't say anything after that and Sharon quickly leaves to go to the kitchen. As she prepares tea she notices her hands are shaking, when did they start doing that? The silence is oppressive as she can hear neither her husband nor the Addams talking in the living room, and she feels a pit in her stomach as she returns to the living room with a serving tray for the tea. 

As Sharon mixes some milk and sugar into her tea she watches in disbelief as Remus pulls out a flask from his jacket and pours a bright green liquid into his teacup. 

"What is that?" She asks warily. 

"Absinthe," Remus says as though it's obvious. 

Sharon and Herbert gawk as they watch Janus uncap one of the rings on his fingers and pour some kind of powder into his own teacup. 

"What's that?" Herbert asks as he stares at the two Addams men as though they're animals in a zoo. 

"Cyanide. Would you have wanted some?" Janus answers as he stirs his tea. 

"Cyanide?" All the color drains from Herbert's face. 

"Yes, it adds a nice, slight almond flavor without being too sweet." 

Remus huffs in frustration at the small talk. "We need to talk about Elliott." 

Sharon straightens up and glares. "I don't understand what you wish to talk about. We should never have lost custody in the first place, and we won't stop fighting until we finally get him back." When Sharon says "him" Remus raises an eyebrow and Janus looks unamused. 

"Well that's a problem, isn't it?" Janus' voice is icy and sends a shiver down Sharon's spine. "You see, Remus and I are going to adopt Elliott and you two are the only things preventing us from doing so." 

"Elliott's told us about you," if Janus' voice is unfriendly than Remus' is downright hair-raising, "and if you think we'll allow them to go back to you then you are sorely mistaken." 

"Them?" Herbert questions. 

"Elliott," Remus answers.

Sharon barks out an incredulous laugh, causing both Remus and Janus to snap their heads in her direction. She tries to ignore the pit growing larger in her stomach. "Are you seriously encouraging that nonsense? You're either a boy or a girl, whatever you're born as. He's just a child going through a phase, he'll learn that eventually." Remus starts to shift in his seat and Janus reaches over and grabs his hands, causing Remus to instantly still. The atmosphere in the room is heavy and tense as Herbert and Sharon stare at Remus and Janus and the two Addams stare back. 

Janus takes a sip of his tea. "Elliott will be staying with us. While I'm fine with either way this ends up happening, I'm sure there's one outcome you two would prefer over the other." 

Sharon's eyes widen and she desperately looks to Herbert to say something, but he's just sitting there stupidly looking appalled. So Sharon has to speak up. "Are you threatening us? If you're threatening us we will go straight to our lawyer and tell them all about this little visit and you will lose custody and-" 

"Well we wouldn't have anything to lose then, would we, dear?" Janus looks over to Remus, who smiles in response. Wide and full of teeth that Sharon is almost certain want to rip out her throat. Her teacup slips from her fingertips, shattering into a million pieces and getting tea all over her carpet. Herbert gawks at the Addams as Janus finishes his tea and sets the teacup down on the coffee table. "I'm glad we were able to have a productive chat." He stands and holds out his arm, waiting for Remus to jump up from the couch and lock their arms together. "Goodbye." 

All Herbert and Sharon can get themselves to do is stare as Janus and Remus walk away and slam the door behind them. 

A week later the Addams are celebrating Elliott's adoption. Remus has one warm wrapped around Janus' waist and he holds a drink in the other as the two proud fathers watch as Elliott chases Patton with the dagger Remus had used to cut the cake. Remus chuckles with amusement as Elliott still has frosting smeared all over their face. 

"Can you believe it? We're fathers of two," Janus muses happily.

"Our own little monsters to raise hell and make the world a worse place," Remus says proudly. 

"To terrorize the populace and ruin the lives of countless others," Janus adds. 

"Querido," Remus hisses under his breath before kissing Janus' shoulders. 

"Darling, we should let the rest of the clan meet the newest members. A party, with everyone from the clan invited," Janus proposes. Remus pulls away from kissing Janus' arm so that he can look his husband in the eye.

"Wonderful idea! And Roman loves planning parties." 

Janus smiles even more. "And I'll invite Rachel as well, I'm sure the family will lover her." 

"You always have such good ideas, querido." 

"Thank you, mon sauvage." 

In Patton's nursery the little monster is still fast asleep, and Roman flits over to his son's bed and caresses his face to wake him up. Perhaps Roman should be rougher, should wake up his son with a shout or a bang the way his own father had when he was Patton's age, but Roman can't find it in his heart to do so. Patton is such a sensitive little thing, after all. Patton stirs and lets out a small whine before opening his eyes. Upon seeing his Papa a wide smile spreads across the toddler's face, and Roman smiles back. 

But then Roman frowns. Something feels off and as Roman looks down at his beloved son, who's now sitting up in bed and still staring up happily at Roman, he realizes what it is. Patton's expression is cheerful. Roman thinks Patton's eyes are the most lovely shade of blue, like a turbulent ocean that will drown anyone who gazes into it, but now they're bright and happy and practically sparkling as they stare up at Roman. Patton's smile, usually such a precious, manic smile, is now downright delightful and sunny. 

Patton holds out his arms so Roman picks him up and holds him tightly. "It's such a dreadful morning, isn't it, darling?" Roman asks as he runs his fingers through his son's bedhead. "Are you unhappy?" Patton shakes his head fervently, catching Roman off guard. 

"'M happy!" Patton exclaims. Roman's eyes widen. 

"Oh you poor dear. Your lovely pallor is gone and you're all flushed." Roman presses his hands to Patton's worryingly rosy cheeks and then his forehead. He's warm to the touch, making Roman even more worried. "Are you feeling sick?" Patton once again shakes his head. There's a clap of thunder outside so loud it shakes the house and Patton squeals with delight and wriggles in Roman's arms. Roman lets out a small sigh of relief, at least Patton isn't acting completely out of character. "Let's go join everyone else outside." 

Outside, just like Roman suspected, Remus is holding up the antenna as high up as he can while Logan holds up Virgil so that the boy can hold on to the antenna as well. Virgil's face is as expressionless as ever, but Roman can recognize the giddiness in his son's eyes. The rain soaks immediately through Roman's clothes and Patton is wiggling wildly in his arms wanting to go down and play. Patton is too young for the antenna so Roman sets him down and lets him run off. 

"Any luck yet?" He calls out to his family. He doesn't join them at the antenna so that if Patton comes back he can scoop the toddler up into his arms again. Patton loves to be held. 

"No," Remus calls back. The rain is coming down so loudly that Roman can hardly hear his brother. Logan turns to Roman and gives him a smile before he turns his attention back to Virgil. Roman can't help but eye Logan down since his white button up is practically see through and now plastered to his skin because of the rain. 

Janus joins Roman at his side. He's holding an umbrella as he just got his hair retwisted and doesn't want it to get wet. "Where's Patton?" 

"He ran off, he should be..." Roman glances over to where Patton usually likes to play during storms, down near the swamp where he can dig for worms or look for frogs, but Patton isn't there. Roman looks around the expansive backyard and finally finds Patton near the entrance to the family cemetery. Roman inhales sharply in shock and Janus follows Roman's gaze in alarm. Patton is giggling and jumping around in puddles. 

"Oh dear," is all Janus says as they watch the toddler stare down at his reflection in a puddle before splashing in it. 

"I think he's sick, Janus. His cheeks are rosy and he was so bright and happy when I woke him up." Roman reaches over and grabs his brother-in-law's arm as he grows increasingly worried watching his son. 

"I should make him some henbane juice, that might help him feel better," Janus offers. Roman nods. 

"That's a good idea. I hate to see him like this," Roman frets. Logan, having noticed the look on his husband's face, follows his gaze and also frowns when he sees what Patton is doing. That's when lightning finally strikes the antenna. 

Patton's behavior only becomes more concerning as the day goes on. When Logan tried to get him dressed he fussed until Logan let him pick out his own clothes: a pair of brown pants and a deep red sweater. Fine pieces of clothing on their own, especially when paired with black, but not together. When Patton wanted to draw a picture Roman gave him paper and a charcoal pencil like he's always done, but Patton got upset and said he wanted crayons. Roman encouraged Patton to go play instead, but a few minutes later Remus appears in his brother's study with a disturbed expression and he informs his twin that Patton had just asked him to play catch. Roman almost faints. 

Virgil and Patton have a play date today. The neighborhood kids have been inviting the Addams children over for play dates less and less, and Roman can only assume this is because of the parents and is no fault of the children. Today Virgil and Patton are invited to the Thompson's house down the road. They have children around Virgil and Patton's age, and Roman and Logan believe it good for their sons to socialize. So Logan drops the children off at the Thompson's and when he returns the Addams adults gather in the living room to discuss Patton. 

"I'm so worried. I don't know what's come over him," Roman cries. "I mean, we never did this when we were children, did we, Remus?" 

Remus shakes his head. "No way. We were completely normal little brutes. Blowing things up, trying to kill each other. We stayed out of trouble." 

"Remus please don't imply that Patton is abnormal," Roman says in distress. "Though... he has been very strange today." 

"Maybe he picked it up from one of the neighbor's kids. I don't trust them, with their white picket fences and their daisies," Janus says before taking a sip of his tea. 

"We would've thought we'd have a problem child," Logan sighs. 

"It's unbelievable," Roman laments. 

"Our own son." 

"He was always such a good boy. Keeping to the basement or playing with the bats in the cave. Our poor boy, something's come over him. What are we going to do?" 

Logan grabs Roman's hands and takes them into his own. "Darling, I must have time to think. After all, this isn't some boyish prank like setting the house on fire." 

Remus perks up. "Hey, I could help him with that!" Janus reaches over and pats Remus' cheek. 

"Darling, Patton is too young for that. Try the tool shed first." 

"Yes, I suppose you're right." 

"Je sais."

"Janus, that's French!" Remus wraps his arms around Janus' waist and begins feverishly pressing kisses against Janus' shoulders. 

"Control yourself, Remus. Patton first, French later," Janus tells him. Remus warily pulls away, but he doesn't release his arms from around Janus. Janus looks over to Roman and Logan. "I say give it time. He's in his terrible twos, I'm sure all of this will pass." 

"I hope you're right," Roman sighs. 

The boy's play date is cut short when Mrs. Thompson calls the Addams and demands they come pick up their sons. She's shouting so loudly that Roman has to hold the phone away from his ear until she slams the phone down and hangs up on him. "Ugh. Logan, next time the boys play with the Thompson children I want us to be around. I don't want that kind of behavior rubbing off on them," Roman huffs. 

"What happened?" Remus asks. 

"She's absolutely irate over some simple childish fun. I don't want Virgil around her, I don't want him to feel discouraged," Roman answers. 

"Virgil is such a well behaved kid, what could have have possibly done to make her so angry?" Janus inquires. 

"All he did was trample on her petunias! There is no need for that kind of behavior," Roman explains with exasperation. 

"Sounds like Virgil did her a favor," Janus mutters. Roman nods in agreement as Logan gets up to go pick up his sons. 

In his study Roman tries to settle and distract himself with poetry and prose. He stares down at the paper, quill hovering over it, but all his mind can focus on is Patton. He huffs and tries to push these thoughts out of his head as he paces around the room, but his worry and fear bubble and collide and push away all other thoughts and feelings, leaving Roman feeling breathless. Normally such a sensation would be fun, but not when it comes to his children. 

Out the window he can see Logan returning with Virgil and Patton and he watches fondly as the three of them come back into the house. He's glad the children are home; between Mrs. Thompson's outburst and the clouds now disappearing from the sky and revealing the sun it's best for them to be indoors in their own home. 

Roman sits back down at his desk in another attempt to settle but this time instead of focusing on poetry he lets his hand idly glide across the paper, sketching out whatever feels right. This helps Roman relax more and unwind and lose himself. A knock on the door grabs his attention and he smiles widely when Logan enters. 

"Mi amor," he says happily and holds out his hand for Logan to take. Logan walks over and kisses Roman's hand, but Roman can tell there's something else on his husband's mind. "Is something wrong?" 

"It's Patton," Logan says warily. Roman's face falls. 

"Oh dear, did Mrs. Thompson upset him?" He asks as he quickly stands up. Logan grabs Roman's shoulders to stop him from running off and to keep him steady. 

"When I arrived at the Thompson's house he was in their yard playing with a bat." 

Roman relaxes. "A bat! Well, that's more like our boy." 

Logan shakes his head. "A baseball bat. It's a game played outdoors. In the sun." 

"Oh, no," Roman sinks back down in his chair. He bites down on his finger nervously and Logan gently grabs his hand and pulls it away. "Where did we fail, Logan?" 

"Who knows." 

"I have it. He's still just a baby. Tonight when I tuck him in I'll read him something nice and soothing." 

Patton loves bedtime stories, he always refuses to sleep without one, and he especially loves stories about animals. Roman grabs a copy of The Black Cat by Edgar Allan Poe and he is certain this will help Patton feel better. Patton has always loved the other poems and stories of Poe that his fathers and uncles have read to him. But at bedtime when it's time for his story Patton already has a book he wants Roman to read. Roman stares in horror as Patton tries to shove The Poky Little Puppy into his hands. Roman snatches the book out of his son's hands and hands it off to Logan. 

"Patton, where did you get this?" Logan asks in alarm.

"Found it!" Patton explains happily. Logan and Roman glance over at each other with concern. 

A well meaning but poorly misguided neighbor had gifted Roman and Logan a collection of books that her own children had outgrown. While Roman and Logan are sure this neighbor had good intentions, the books are absolutely atrocious and not suited for children. Colorful covers and happy pictures, no dramatic twists or deaths, nothing that reflects the real world. So Roman hid them away to throw out later, but it seems he didn't hide them well enough. Patton loves to explore and get into anything he can get his little hands on. 

"Let's not read that one. Papa picked out a nice-" 

"Noooo!" Patton whines and he tries to grab the book out of Logan's hands. The fathers exchange looks again. When Logan won't give Patton the book his lip starts to tremble and he stares up at his fathers with teary eyes. Roman can't stand it. 

"Oh my love, that book is no good," Roman tries to comfort him. "I promise this one is better." 

"That one!" Patton cries defiantly and points to the book still in Logan's hands. 

Roman sighs and leans over to speak to Logan in a hushed tone. "I'm sure he won't like this, so just let me read it until he's had enough and then I'll read him The Black Cat instead." 

"Alright, Patton," Logan says with a sigh of his own. "Get in bed and Papa will read this book." Patton beams, the smile still dreadfully cheery, and rushes over to get in bed. Logan tucks him in, making sure the sheets are nice and tight and snug so that he won't be able to thrash around too much during the night. 

Roman tries his best to hide his disgust as he reads the story, and after every page he pauses, waiting for Patton to demand he read the other one instead. But Patton doesn't. Patton listens, enraptured and absolutely delighted by the pictures and the story, and Roman gets through the whole book without being interrupted. He exchanges a worried look with Logan, a wordless conversation, and the two fathers kiss Patton's forehead and wish him goodnight. 

"I really hope this is just a phase," Roman wails once they're far enough down the hallway out of earshot. His legs feel weak and he leans against Logan and Logan has to grab him to keep him from sinking to the floor. 

"I'm sure it is. Like Janus said, he's in his terrible twos. Don't worry your pretty head about it too much. You've already spiraled once today, another spiral would wear you out before I can get the chance to." 

"Mi amor." 

Six years later Roman pulls a load of brightly colored shirts out of the dryer and begins to hum a funeral dirge as he folds the shirts neatly. He takes a moment to pause and stare down at the yellow fabric in his hands. So it wasn't a phase, so Patton still has unusual taste that Roman cannot for the life of him understand, but never once did Roman ever think of discouraging or changing his son. Patton is Patton, and that's how Roman likes him. His smile is still cheerful, but now has that same familiar, manic energy Roman loves. His blue eyes are still bright and happy, and how could Roman ever be upset his son is filled with so much happiness? Roman finishes folding the last of the clothes and steps out to take the laundry up to Patton's room. He smiles fondly when he sees Patton and Elliott playing together on the bedroom floor. 

"What are you two up to?" He asks as he begins to place the shirts in drawers; he doesn't want to pull Patton away from his play. 

"I'm showing Elliott how to play autopsy," Patton explains. Roman's smile widens. Patton may have unusual taste, but he is undeniably an Addams through and through. 

"Ah, that's a lovely game." 

Patton nods and points at the doll laying on the floor between the two children. "Mhm. We're about to start the internal examination. Uncle Remus let me borrow his tools."