i dont think im supposed to get better

julien baker // margaret atwood // julien baker // uli edel // sophocles // the mountain goats // sue zhao

When I was a little girl I was afraid of everything. I was so afraid that i couldn't sleep because i was terrified of what nightmares I'll might have. And when I woke up I was afraid in school. And when I went to bed again I had panic attacks over the fear of being kidnapped in my sleep. Then I found this coping mechanism of living in my fantasies. At first they were fun fantasies of magical worlds. But then later as my brain adjusted more to this physical reality, my fantasies got darker. I fell in love with this fantasy of dying. Of slowly wasting away, so weak, so quiet, so peaceful. It calmed me down, and I could finally sleep. The panic attacks stopped and I was calm. Self destruction felt so much better than that blood freezing fear I felt all the time, stabbing into my guts every morning and every night. And yeah I know it's fucked up but it's better. It's so much better.

and I’m sure that I will burn eternally.

i distance myself from myself

echos.

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kofi

Warsan Shire // Richard Siken, Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out // Mahmoud Darwish // Richard Siken, Planet of Love // Rabindranath Tagore, Jodio Rajani Pohalo // Mitski, First Love/Late Spring // Carrie Fisher, Shockaholic // Japanese Breakfast, Tactics // Aurora, I Went Too Far // Mary Oliver, Hum 

In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me, Ada Limón

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— Henry Miller, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953

i know the end, phoebe bridgers / not all those who wander are lost, lana del rey / cop car, mitski / the long and the short of it, richard siken / i didn't change my number, billie eilish / fast as you can, fiona apple