likes my husband, pillow princes, size differences, shibari, dacryphilia, problematic power dynamics.

you may find on this blog dubious consent such as somnophilia, forced intox, and fauxcest, among other taboo topics.

you will not find on this blog “gross” kinks like watersports, scat, etc., or political kinks such as raceplay and detransitioning. anything involving excessive injuries, pain, bleeding or permanent damage is not going to be here.

do not interact minors, adults who interact with minors, and ageless accounts. everything is fantasy between consenting adults—if you go against that, leave.

original posts -> #2big4him

more info -> strawpage

I will get surgeries. But that won't make me legal. Ig it's just.. I don't want to crush my own hope in this, there's all kinds of people in the world, but I'm a too logical man. I seem to keep.. being misunderstood. Which. Maybe it's me. I'm typing paragraphs to a stranger running a blog just because he mentions he likes his husband for who he is. But ig it's just.. idk. I'm asking for confirmation ig. That is it okay to hope small anyway, underneath everything. That maybe one day someone.. understands. And still likes me enough to not just.. be friends in understanding. I love my friend. But I keep thinking about a someone that isn't there.

I've thought about if I'm just thinking too much. I am. But I need something to go on yk? I guess I'm just wondering if I should pick something else to hope for. Even if it's just someone looking and seeing me before I just put it all on and assert myself deliberately all the time. Ig I just want someone to look and see me and be attracted ig. Not long, lol. That's much to ask for when I'm not really myself. Can't present myself. But genuine. At the real me, maybe. Possibly. It always seem less logical every time I think of it. But I could at least imagine then, while I get myself free from it all. Smth to think about while I work. Confirmation that I'm not illogical for a little bit of imagining. I try to be realistic when I imagine things. I find it very hard to imagine anything otherwise - why would I think of grand gestures when that's a tiny chance after several obstacles of even knowing I'm a man. Sometimes I just think I shouldn't bother seeing anyone till I get my surgeries. It'll just be another obstacle. And I have enough of those. But even then, after surgeries, getting my life back,

Is it realistic? To want when I'm legally not meant to find anyone? What can I offer but what I have - what I haven't even been able to build? I keep being interested in cis men who end up just saying they're always straight, and I never have qualms about it, but. At this point seeing hot guys I just remove myself from the equation. Or look as much as I can manage before I be realistic and look away. A cop out in a way, I know. Theres always a what if. But I don't even get my words right, and I know I come off as odd. And boring. And too aware. And competent, even - I've had counsellors tell me they don't see why I even came in. So I know I hurt sometimes, but. I always seem to right myself. And ig it.. even hurts me sometimes. Why can't I be a bit more in distress. A bit more.. likeable in the conventional way. Have smth charming about me instead of blunt apathy and an overactive mind and such a level tone & composure the guy asking me out on a street said he'd thought I was 10 years older than I was after I checked if our ages even matched [it didn't, he turned out to be the one 10 yrs older, which even I didn't rlly guess]. Which I didnt take much offence to, how could I really, but I've thought about it since, that people probably have a more.. cheery outlook and affect. Look less tired all the time, more like. Idk. Not dainty lol, but. You wonder ig. My friend always reassures me it's not much to ask for a look or a polite word or.. anything really, that I'm not thinking for too much even when assumed to be a woman, but.

Everyone has their moments. Mine's at one in the morning when I feel like I really should just ask for a blunt answer from a stranger about my chances because I do the same gamble with my own psyche at every small pitfall like I'll give myself some different answer. I'm fucking rambling, just.

Apologies for springing this on you randomly. Hotlines have hung up on me lol - not deprecating, it's just ironic to look back on. You're the lucky one tonight ig, sorry if this is jarring. But it's up to you. I won't off myself or smth if you delete this, just thanks for reading if you got to the end of it ig. I don't expect you to have any answers for some random person's life story. There's a cliché answer for me anyway ik. Ig I just wanted to connect for once.

If this is weird, mb, ignore it.

this isn't weird or tmi. i'm so sorry to hear you're struggling like this, but there is hope.

i'll tell you something. when i was younger, i met a man who i thought was my soulmate. he was everything i ever wanted — both from a partner and myself. he was my dream man and role model all wrapped up in one. and because i convinced myself he was the only one for me and i wouldn't be able to find anyone else who made me feel the way he did, i accepted so many horrible things. i allowed myself to be treated horribly and feel miserable all the time because i didn't have hope for something better.

but now i'm married, happily so, to someone who accepts everything there is about me. i imagine you're tired of hearing “just wait, it gets better” but unfortunately it's a common saying for a reason: it really does get better.

for me, the best advice i can give you is to just start loving yourself the way you wish someone else would. that is how love finds you. you love yourself more, you love the world more, you love life more, and soon you will feel just as loved. it takes time, hard work, and lots of steps back—but you'll get there. i had never felt love until i decided to try and love myself.

not to make everything about ddlb, but i need a younger boyfriend to take turns babying and force mascing.

oh, i'm a big fan. i'm a very “traditionally masculine” guy in a lot of aspects, but most masc gay spaces are very focused on cis white upper class idea of masculinity, so i prefer the more gritty, punk outlook that most forcemasc art centers on gay relationships. it simply fits my view of queerness better and makes me feel very welcome and proud.

i try not to post to the nsfw tags though because it seems to be a mostly t4t community on here and i don't want to step on any toes.

that's a strangly worded question, but i'll answer anyway in good faith.

i just can't get myself sexually excited at the idea of oppression. i don't get turned on hearing about medical or legal discrimination. at a time where transphobia and violence against them is at its worse, most detransition posts make me feel a bit disgusted.

another thing is, most cis men who are into detrans are straight (or adjacent), i'm gay. i'm into men. and while i do like generally cutesy guys and guys who are in touch with their feminity, and don't mind trans men who are early into their transition or don't 100% “pass” and still handsome and attractive, i'm not into women. i never have been, never will be. i don't need my partner to be a hyper-feminine and submissive woman for me to love them. i like feminine guys, androgynous guys, boyish guys, and masculine guys.

if my trans partner is interested in exploring misgendering and some forcefem as a kink, especially as a way to help with their dysphoria, then i'm open to trying it out with them and entertaining it. but hardcore scenarios and fantasies involving medical detransition and heavy violence and discrimination are a limit for me.