Alonzo

Ray-Ban Sunglasses

everything is a dream. in the end we all die and everything we know will vanish.

end of the day everything is going to be okay...

back again emotionally unstable as usually... had another fight with my parents.. this time it didn’t go so well. I was defending my niece.. because my parents wanted to go though my niece’s phone because it took her ONE HOUR to buy fucking burgers for my parents.. what kind of fucking shit is that. I couldn’t believe this shit anymore. she is 18 years old its not right for them to do that she also pays for her own phone. the funny thing is that my sister was also going in her phone telling my parents all her messages, The fuck up part is that sister is the one who beat up my dad so hard she left him with a black eye. he can’t even see with that eye anymore. she is talking to him telling him and my mother everything on her phone. the first thing i told my parents is how the fuck are you going to go through my niece’s phone but don’t go through her phone. my dad yelling in the back telling me to leave and go down stairs my mother telling me she is hiding something, I told her why the fuck do you think she’s hiding something because it took her one hour to pick you up burgers, the place could of been pack. my sister telling me that don’t get involved because its non of my business , Im yelling at her “shut the fuck up, you beat up dad and going through someone’s phone when you’re the sneaky bitch in the house bringing your boyfriend over at night in your window” as my mother is trying to hit me for some fucking reason. I’m just yelling stay off me, as she continue to attack me with my sister. My sister goes downstairs and my mother doesn’t want to give back the phone to my niece even though she paid for it herself. She also is the one who cleans the house, cleans my sister’s mess and cleans after my fuckign sister’s pet. My parents ended up tossing me out the house, not sure what to do anymore at this point. I’m gonna fill out my drop class papers. I thought I could make something with myself but I guess I was destine to become a failure. I really just want to hang myself but at the same time I want to live.. but I don’t know why I want to live.

would it even matter if you end it all?> you won’t feel anything, everything is black, its not like you’re in another world, you’re dead, nothing, just blank, there isn’t anything, just blank, the world goes on, this really puts a hole in my heart. :’(

Just a random memory from when I told a doctor I wanted to kill my self he told me not to worry about it. lol :) don’t I love how the world doesn’t give a single fuck :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

just another sleepless night writing about my thoughts, Just to look back at something, like one day ill be sick and old and find joy looking at my old post. its really nothing but depression but that’s how i see it now. Just can’t sleep been up just thinking about death, thinking about how nothing really matters in the end because you’re dead everyone you know will die, just thinking about how my parents are getting old really depresses me. god I never want to deal with death in my family circle but one day i will. just makes me sad to be honest. How life just sucks then you die, at this very moment nothing really good is happening to me. just the same shit over and over. hard to express my love to my parents even though I know they don’t have much time left.... Just thinking about death upsets me but i came in terms with it because everyone dies in the end... What really bothers me is how my parents deal with it. I know for a fact my parents think about this every day, as they’re in their 50′s ( im sure that’s not old but the adv life span is between 70-60 for my family ) I’m sure they feel more worse than me. It just depresses me, I don’t want to live in a place of suffering. This is the real hell. It’s hard to express my feelings to my parents considering they don’t really open up. ( unless they drink of course ). anyways that’s all i have for now... I’m just gonna go back watching some old western movies and keep my mind of death and depression, Im sure it won’t because i just think about it every fucking second. It hurt my self sometimes just to feel the pain. Knowing that one day i won’t feel anything and how everything will just fade into darkness... hopefully i wake up... sometimes ... I don’t want to wake up.. sometimes i wish i was never put on this world to begin with.... cya... 

growing up I remember being scared of getting old. I used to talk that my old self died. I never really thought it out as a kid I just used to freak out. Now that im 21 years old and I think i was right. I was right about your old self dying. I am currently dead inside. It may sound edgy but I lost all my creativity, Humor, friends and more. It’s pretty sad but thats my life. 

its pretty sad that i grew up just watching tv everyday because I was a social outcast growing up. Only thing that kept me active was my friends online and tv shows. never interacted with people growing up. I always avoided them. :P

Growing up, I was abuse as a child. parents were poor and drunks. They would drink everyday and fight all the time. I cried almost every night growing up from my parents fighting or getting bullied in school or getting hit by my parents. I was born with a learning disability and it was hard for me to learn things. I have a terrible memory problem. I have social anxiety and I feel everyone judges me. I need glasses because I am blind as a bat. I am somewhat deaf  because of band. I would go nights without eating. around the teenage years my only friends were people online. I never had no one to talk to other than the friends on the block. My whole childhood was suffering and I ask myself. If there was a god why would he put me though all of this. I prayed before. Ask god to help my family out. “Please help me make more friends” and here I am still thinking about those worthless words. I remember crying for a whole week when I first found out about death. My parents told me when I was like 12 or 14. I couldn’t understand death.  It was something that still makes me depress. Till this day I think about death and how life is meaningless if you’re going to die. 

Love how I try to come out today with my personal problems to my parents. Talking to them about my metal problems and the voices I hear when I take a shower. Trying to tell them about my suicidal thoughts I have. My mom was talking to me about it while my dad tells me I’m going to end up like his brother who takes 10 pills a day to help with his problem. I told him maybe if he didn’t snif paint growing up and snorting coke he wouldn’t have to deal with that problem. I never did any drugs growing up so it’s something else. Then my fucking shit dad says maybe find a fucking job and work and deal with that pressure. Like I’m here trying to seek help about the problems I have and my dad is treating it like its nothing. I really hate my dad. Hopefully when I talk to my doctor for the first time in 3 years ( someone trained ) he/she can tell me what problems I have. 

I haven’t seen a doctor in 3 years. My mom got me in her medical card thing so I’m able to get a check up. I really wanted to talk about my depression and pain around my body and this random bump that grew on my wrist. Was setting up everything, my mom was going to show me how to get there on train but my mom wants to bring her sister. I was okay with that even though she is a bitch to my mom at times. Once everyone was ready my dad decided to come along -_-’ I was all ready to go and I went outside to get in the car. My dad told me “did you bring your ID”. I told him yeah I was going to grab that right now. Then he decides to bitch me out. Outside in the morning where everyone was out mowing, relaxing outside and there is my dad yelling at me saying you’re fucking retarded and dumb etc. I decided to not go. I rather just not go to a doctor anymore. I hope this bump is cancer so life can end faster. 

"I wounder if I dided, would tears come to her eye"

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since i was in 6th grade. It comes and goes randomly. honestly I don’t really see the point of living when my whole life is nothing but suffering. 

me everyday 

My sister has a kid with a loser who smokes weed and sells “drugs”. The other day I hear him calling my sister fat, ugly, hoe, bitch. apparently this is something he does normally to her. My other sister says he tells her that a lot. I was mad when I heard him calling her that. I normally don’t like getting into things with my sister relationship considering she treated me like shit and always kept trying to fight with me but I’m the older brother. I came outside calling him out for being a piece of shit. calling him a bum and to get a job and support the kid. Telling him don’t talk shit to my sister before I kick your ass. My sister next to me telling me please don’t fight him we were just talking. looking at this it seems like she still wants to be with him. I told him he was a scum bag and if i catch you talking shit me and my other OLDER brother will kick your ass. He told me I don’t give a shit about you or your older brother. I got really mad at this point but i decided to be the bigger man and told him to get the fuck out. He left on his bike saying “BDK, I got boys I live on the streets, I make money from the streets. I don’t need a job cause I make more money from the streets.” After hearing this I wanted to round up my friends to come to his house to give him a ass whipping but He looked like the type of person that would call the cops “STREETS” fucking hate this punk bitch. Later during the day I heard my brother telling me that her BOYFRIEND was trying to get my OLD BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND fired from her job. Yes that piece of shit just got even fucking lower. I came up stairs and my to talk to my mom about this and she already knew because my brother told her. I told my sister we are going to kick his fucking ass and she was “okay” with it because its a problem between us and him. Pretty much gave me the okay to kick her boyfriends ass. As I was talking to her she told me her boyfriend threatens her with lots of shit. he told her he can said our whole family to mexico ( even though we were born here ) saying that he can find all of ours social security number. (talking about my while family in the household) I got so pissed after hearing this, Right now I’m undecided on what to do about this bullshit. I want to beat his ass but again he is the type to call the police and he threaten me that I better watch my back. Threaten my family, and threaten my family’s privacy. I feel i could lock him up for that and if not the “drugs” he sells from the streets he lives in could Or just a ass kicking. I honesty just want to kick his ass and his father’s ass.  My his parents don’t give a shit about what he says because they don’t really care what he does and my parents don’t care either. As we speak they’re drinking with their family. That’s another post. I’m going outside to call out their parents for being pieces of shit for letting their son do this to my sister.

woke up to my drunk dad as normal. Blasting his music drinking with his brother and my older brother (25). How doesn’t he understand how retarded he gets when he starts drinking. He goes from normal guy to a crazy fuck. Hearing him do his (drugs). this is fucking sad. I should just drop out of college and get a normal job and move the fuck out this hell hold.